Scared to SN, scared of the process

[affirmatice]

I have a rough date in mind, sometime soon after the new years.

The best option I saw is SN, I have that on hand. Meto and propranolol is on the way. Still need to get diazepam on the DNM.

I'm scared. The process itself doesn't sound too bad when really thought about.

I've read peoples failed experiences. Some say it was not bad before they suddenly blacked out. Some say it was quite distressing. I have no idea how I'll react, I'm young and my body is healthy, I don't know if that will make it harder.

The overall experience I think, can't be that bad. A bad tasting drink, potential headache/nausea (we've all felt this at some point).

I just think it's scary to know that in those 10-20 minutes, I'll know that my body is dying, my organs are shutting down, I've poisoned myself and this is a permanent decision.

I'm sad that my last meal will be a disgusting drink. I'm sad that my last moments will be me high on benzos, probably dissociating and feeling ill.

I know SN remains one of the easier ways to CTB. But still, it's sad and scary for me. I just wish I didn't have to feel this way and be this way. I just want to spend my life happy and with my girlfriend.

 

[deathproof17]

You sound conflicted. You don't have to do it if you don't want to. No need to do anything rash. Most people who are suicidal have gotten to the point where the pain of living is worse than the potential pain of suicide.

 

[WallowingWillow]

I have a rough date in mind, sometime soon after the new years.

The best option I saw is SN, I have that on hand. Meto and propranolol is on the way. Still need to get diazepam on the DNM.

I'm scared. The process itself doesn't sound too bad when really thought about.

I've read peoples failed experiences. Some say it was not bad before they suddenly blacked out. Some say it was quite distressing. I have no idea how I'll react, I'm young and my body is healthy, I don't know if that will make it harder.

The overall experience I think, can't be that bad. A bad tasting drink, potential headache/nausea (we've all felt this at some point).

I just think it's scary to know that in those 10-20 minutes, I'll know that my body is dying, my organs are shutting down, I've poisoned myself and this is a permanent decision.

I'm sad that my last meal will be a disgusting drink. I'm sad that my last moments will be me high on benzos, probably dissociating and feeling ill.

I know SN remains one of the easier ways to CTB. But still, it's sad and scary for me. I just wish I didn't have to feel this way and be this way. I just want to spend my life happy and with my girlfriend.

I know how you feel friend. I just want to spend my life happy with my boyfriend. But that's not possible so I will have to ctb soon. I am sad and scared also.

 

[affirmatice]

You sound conflicted. You don't have to do it if you don't want to. No need to do anything rash. Most people who are suicidal have gotten to the point where the pain of living is worse than the potential pain of suicide.

I am conflicted. Time and time again, I've thought about why I have to do this. Then I remember how hard the last 5 years were. I think about my future and know how difficult each day will be living in this body.

I think about how far I've fallen. How impossible it is to climb back. Even if I manage to feel a bit better, I'll never forget the person I could've been, if I was healthy, if I was normal, I'll never reach that mark no matter how hard I try, and I don't think I can live knowing that.

That's why I feel like I have to make this decision.