Discussion Scared to CTB because of failure?

[nightnightnitrite]

Is the fear of failure keeping some of you here longer than you want to be? I came really close last fall to CTB through a partial hanging but I failed. I was left with this ugly scar around my neck and I know it could be worse and I could have permanent damage but it still taunts me every time I look in the mirror): I also hated going to the psych hospital and it was the worst one I have ever been to. I have SN now but I'm scared to take it out of fear of another failure. I would love to do partial again because it was surprisingly calming but I don't want another ugly rope scar around my neck or permanent damage this time. Anybody else experience this? It's just so time consuming to get everything in place and then have it all be for nothing because you failed again):

 

[WornOutLife]

Yes, failure sucks.
I failed to ctb last year and my life became hell for 6 months.
I didn't end up in a psych ward but you can't imagine the things I went through.

Permanent brain damage sounds scary too! The doctors said that I was TOO LUCKY! I should be a veggie right now!

Anyway, my best advice for you is not to act impulsively. Try to have a good plan and be 100% sure you wanna do it.

 

[nopointofliving]

I'm scared of failing attempts. We don't need more pain and suffering. Death itself doesn't bother me.

 

[I'm Darkness]

I'm afraid of failure but also of the pain that it will bring me, i can't take that small step like kicking the chair or firing the gun because i hesitate too much and overthink the situation, l will never be able to ctb unless i buy N.

 

[nightnightnitrite]

Yes, failure sucks.
I failed to ctb last time and my life became hell for 6 months.
I didn't end up in a psych ward but you can't imagine the things I went through.


Permanent brain damage sounds scary too! The doctors said that I was TOO LUCKY! I should be a veggie right now!

Anyway, my best advice for you is not to act impulsively. Try to have a good plan and be 100% sure you wanna do it.

I'm sorry for that): It's such a hard thing to come back from especially if you let all responsibilities(bills, job, etc.) go before trying. I'm happy you didn't turn into a veggie either): That would have been an even worse hell to be stuck in): How did you avoid the hospital if you don't mind me asking?

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm sorry for that): It's such a hard thing to come back from especially if you let all responsibilities(bills, job, etc.) go before trying. I'm happy you didn't turn into a veggie either): That would have been an even worse hell to be stuck in): How did you avoid the hospital if you don't mind me asking?

Well, I was supposed to be sent to a psych ward but I was in a coma for 2 days and got covid in the hospital so, they had no choice but to wait.
However, I behaved so "properly" and showed "so many improvements" that they offered me the option to move with my parents but talk to a therapist and psychiatrist twice a week.

I guess the key is to be a nice guy and say YES to everything while showing HOW MUCH YOU "REGRET" having tried to ctb. Of course I regretted nothing, I just wanted some shortcuts to be free again haha.

Anyway, I hope you never ever end up in a psych ward. I'm soooo scared of them!

 

[nightnightnitrite]

I'm afraid of failure but also of the pain that it will bring me, i can't take that small step like kicking the chair or firing the gun because i hesitate too much and overthink the situation, l will never be able to ctb unless i buy N.

That's understandable! You don't want to be in a worse situation then you already are<3 I'm happy you know your limits because going for another way out that your unsure of can really hurt you and not yield the results you want. I rather you have a sure safe way if you do decide then end up like me who did so irrationally.

Well, I was supposed to be sent to a psych ward but I was in a coma for 2 days and got covid in the hospital so, they had no choice but to wait.
However, I behaved so "properly" and showed "so many improvements" that they offered me the option to move with my parents but talk to a therapist and psychiatrist twice a week.

I guess the key is to be a nice guy and say YES to everything while showing HOW MUCH YOU "REGRET" having tried to ctb. Of course I regretted nothing, I just wanted some shortcuts to be free again haha.

Anyway, I hope you never ever end up in a psych ward. I'm soooo scared of them!

That sounds rough! I couldn't imagine getting covid from being in the hospital involuntarily. They wouldn't even let me consider getting out or giving me another option like staying at my dads): I hate that you had to lie to get out but I'm glad you did because I've been in and out of psych wards since 5th grade for a number of different reasons but this last time for an actual attempt was the worst experience I ever had. I was ignored all the time and instead of happy pills they gave me potassium:,) I got out only because it was right before Turkey day(and I think they gave up on me). I'm still eating bananas and saying "i'm not depressed my potassium is just low" to make jokes but honestly it was shitty and the moment I finally came to terms there is no actual help for people like me. Love that I have SS so I can confide with like minded people<3

 

[xrafinha]

Well, I was supposed to be sent to a psych ward but I was in a coma for 2 days and got covid in the hospital so, they had no choice but to wait.
However, I behaved so "properly" and showed "so many improvements" that they offered me the option to move with my parents but talk to a therapist and psychiatrist twice a week.

I guess the key is to be a nice guy and say YES to everything while showing HOW MUCH YOU "REGRET" having tried to ctb. Of course I regretted nothing, I just wanted some shortcuts to be free again haha.

Anyway, I hope you never ever end up in a psych ward. I'm soooo scared of them!

How nice would have been just to die of COVID tho

 

[Moose.000]

Fear of failure is alive and well in all of us. It's the difference between thought and instinct. If someone asked you to jump in the water and hold your breath for 5 minutes you would either tell them you can't do it or you'd jump in with your body and mind fighting you the entire time until you eventually give up early and come to the surface for air. But if a car ran off a bridge and was sinking in the river with your child or someone you care about inside of it you would just jump. How long you can hold your breath for wouldn't even cross your mind. There would be zero doubt. Possible failure isn't an option. Thought disappears. Instinct takes over and under only those circumstances you'd find out you can hold your breath for 5 minutes if that's what it takes to save someone you love. So I guess the ultimate goal is going into the process of our topic with more instinct than thought. Can you achieve a no retreat "I have to do this" mindset and remove the thought process? Is what you're going through enough to put you there? If not, your thoughts and doubts will win.

 

[nightnightnitrite]

Fear of failure is alive and well in all of us. It's the difference between thought and instinct. If someone asked you to jump in the water and hold your breath for 5 minutes you would either tell them you can't do it or you'd jump in with your body and mind fighting you the entire time until you eventually give up early and come to the surface for air. But if a car ran off a bridge and was sinking in the river with your child or someone you care about inside of it you would just jump. How long you can hold your breath for wouldn't even cross your mind. There would be zero doubt. Possible failure isn't an option. Thought disappears. Instinct takes over and under only those circumstances you'd find out you can hold your breath for 5 minutes if that's what it takes to save someone you love. So I guess the ultimate goal is going into the process of our topic with more instinct than thought. Can you achieve a no retreat "I have to do this" mindset and remove the thought process? Is what you're going through enough to put you there? If not, your thoughts and doubts will win.

I don't know if I can get into the 'I am definitely going to end it' thought process again. In my daily life, I have let my life, job and bills go. I'm thousands in debt and I know I don't want to be here but the thing that pushed me the first time(ex leaving) isn't going to be there. In my mind I have given up and I'm in the final stages of wrapping things up again but I don't know if I will be able to do it with as much ease this time around): This leads to many doubts and a higher chance of failure and I know it but I can't stop worrying and overthinking):

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

I have a fear of failing and being in agony but I think that's normal.

 

[TooConscious]

Remembering this sick evil rigged society is designed to make us suffer its disgusting even. Makes people feel lower than possible "I can't even kill myself"
Makes you feel less than worthless and they love it. It's not funny but smile at their sadistic fucking game

 

[WornOutLife]

How nice would have been just to die of COVID tho

Yes! I was like "2 day coma? No brain damage? Covid? WTF? Why is my body so fucking strong?" lol

 

[Desi]

Yes definitely although it's second to dying in agony.
i'm considering a method that is not covered here on SS, i have plenty of questions and no answers. Have no medical qual, either, i'm unsure about the how and whens. It's chemical.
NB: it actually is covered on SS and it doesn't look very promising, eye drops stuff.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes. I know death is the right answer for me and the thought of non existence comforts me. I am scared of most methods as I have read so many posts about failed attempts and most methods require courage and planning and even still the SI could kick in. Its the main thing holding me back. I wish there was some euthanasia type methods but society would rather people suffered :(

 

[katesmith]

I am scared of failing as well. Even if I have N I am scared someone will find me too early and I won't be dead.

Is the fear of failure keeping some of you here longer than you want to be? I came really close last fall to CTB through a partial hanging but I failed. I was left with this ugly scar around my neck and I know it could be worse and I could have permanent damage but it still taunts me every time I look in the mirror): I also hated going to the psych hospital and it was the worst one I have ever been to. I have SN now but I'm scared to take it out of fear of another failure. I would love to do partial again because it was surprisingly calming but I don't want another ugly rope scar around my neck or permanent damage this time. Anybody else experience this? It's just so time consuming to get everything in place and then have it all be for nothing because you failed again):

I can so relate to this! You know I am sure that no one else can see your scar on your neck, sometimes when we have a scar or something and we find it horrible or embarassing and want to hide it most of the time, it's bigger in our eyes than other peoples x

 

[nightnightnitrite]

Yes. I know death is the right answer for me and the thought of non existence comforts me. I am scared of most methods as I have read so many posts about failed attempts and most methods require courage and planning and even still the SI could kick in. Its the main thing holding me back. I wish there was some euthanasia type methods but society would rather people suffered :(

I hate how the universe pushes us to these methods. Assisted suicide should be something offered but instead we are left dreading living and dying): I hate reading failed attempts that end up hurting the person and placing them in a worse position then before): This site both gives me hope and takes it away sometimes<3

 

[katesmith]

I hate how the universe pushes us to these methods. Assisted suicide should be something offered but instead we are left dreading living and dying): I hate reading failed attempts that end up hurting the person and placing them in a worse position then before): This site both gives me hope and takes it away sometimes<3

I couldn't agree with you more