Discussion Scared of Recovery

[dannysgrave]

Has anyone else been scared of recovery or getting better? What if my personality completely changes and I'm stuck wondering if the personality I had was ever actually me? What if who I am changes so much I can't even recognise myself anymore?

I've been dealing with and feeling these things for as long as I can remember and I'm kind of scared of what my life will be like if I get better. Has anyone else gone through something like this?

 

[smiggles]

i am scared of getting better too +__+ it is trulyTerrifying..i wish u luck in recovery if u ever try

 

[dannysgrave]

i am scared of getting better too +__+ it is trulyTerrifying..i wish u luck in recovery if u ever try

it really is scary. thank you i wish you luck too!

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

Your personality is constantly evolving, not a predefined or static collection of traits. You can never stop being "actually you"—unless you believe in the non-existence of the self, in which case you are not "actually you" and never have been.

It is tempting to build your identity around your past and present struggles, feelings, thoughts, and so on. It can be a way of giving some meaning to the suffering, but your personality is not static. I don't know you, but I can guarantee that you're not the exact same person you were a year ago, or 5. Sure, you might be very similar, but I can assure you there have been changes. Are you more "actually you" or less because of that?

Whether you try to recover or not, who "you" are will continue to evolve. The only difference is overall the direction of that evolution. It can be quite scary to think about "getting better", but your personality will not "change completely" because it's not a monolith. People who recover still struggle with problems. You're not going to suddenly turn into someone else.

I think that, if you're constantly evolving as a person, you may as well try to nudge that change towards something that will make you feel better. You won't be someone else, you'll still be "actually you", only a bit improved.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I understand what you mean. I started writing seriously when I was in a particularly bad spot in life. I got some notoriety for it and then I attempted to recover, got into therapy, and eventually found my way to a psychiatrist who diagnosed and medicated me. Things were better and I've never been in that deep of a rut since then. Never got that particular voice in my writing back, though, so I kind of missed that sadness for a time. But recovery is not a linear process and I realized it was okay to lose those parts of me. I may have stopped writing for a few years. I may have hated myself and who I was becoming for a few years. But it's not like I stopped knowing how to write, things were just different. I just expressed myself differently. I'm still becoming a different person, but those poems and stories were still written by me. They're still me.

Even if we don't recover, we aren't static beings. We evolve and change no matter what. Old versions of us are bound to die and we shed the skins whether we like it or not.

What if my personality completely changes and I'm stuck wondering if the personality I had was ever actually me?

If your personality completely changes, I believe that you will still be you. The personality you have right now will always be you, and the one that you may develop when you decide to try recovery will also be you. They're both real versions of you, real parts of you that existed for a time. We may lose parts of ourselves to time but it doesn't make them any less us, if that makes sense. They are simply parts of ourselves that we don't identify with anymore.

You'll never really know what your life will look like once you recover. You only know that it will be different. I think it's completely natural to be afraid of a difference, though. After all, we're only used to who we are now, and we've sat with pain and sadness for so long that anything else will seem weird and maybe even unwelcome. But the alternative also has its fair share of uncertainty and fear surrounding it. You may choose not to recover, but making that choice will make you a different person than you were before you made the choice. You may choose to recover and that choice will make you a different person, too. Either way the choice is yours and neither will make you any less you.

Whatever you choose, I hope you don't fear the new you. Who knows? You may try recovery and find that one day, you like who you became. I believe it's always worth a try if you even have a sliver of desire to recover. Good luck in whatever you decide!

 

[tropicalrain]

I've always thought of recovery as recovering/uncovering who you really are under the mental illness.

 

[dannysgrave]

It is tempting to build your identity around your past and present struggles, feelings, thoughts, and so on. It can be a way of giving some meaning to the suffering, but your personality is not static. I don't know you, but I can guarantee that you're not the exact same person you were a year ago, or 5. Sure, you might be very similar, but I can assure you there have been changes. Are you more "actually you" or less because of that?

I think that, if you're constantly evolving as a person, you may as well try to nudge that change towards something that will make you feel better. You won't be someone else, you'll still be "actually you", only a bit improved.

You're 100% right it all feels so meaningless if I don't do anything with it, if that makes sense? I'm not the same exact person I was a year ago, I guess I just have this image of what recovery looks like in my head and it's a complete change from how I live/am now even if I know that's not really what it looks like for everyone.

That really helped me I think I get stuck in my head and obsess on an idea (even if I know it's wrong) and I needed to hear it from someone else.

The personality you have right now will always be you, and the one that you may develop when you decide to try recovery will also be you. They're both real versions of you, real parts of you that existed for a time. We may lose parts of ourselves to time but it doesn't make them any less us, if that makes sense. They are simply parts of ourselves that we don't identify with anymore.

I guess I never really considered that I wouldn't lose those parts of me forever you know? I see recovery as an "all or nothing" kind of thing (even though I know that's not how it works) that it feels like I'd have to lose those parts of myself forever and I wouldn't be "truly recovered" until I did.

Whatever you choose, I hope you don't fear the new you. Who knows? You may try recovery and find that one day, you like who you became. I believe it's always worth a try if you even have a sliver of desire to recover. Good luck in whatever you decide!

Thank you for this. You've given me a lot to think about and I genuinely appreciate it.

I've always thought of recovery as recovering/uncovering who you really are under the mental illness.

I've never really thought about it that way before, thank you!

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

I guess I just have this image of what recovery looks like in my head and it's a complete change from how I live/am now

Recovery is a process, and it involves (sometimes radical) changes to your way of life, but it's something that happens gradually and that you have control over. If you're unfit and start exercising, for example, both your body and your mind will change, and the way you live will shift to accommodate those changes. Maybe you dread waking up each morning, but once you start enjoying a morning run or something, you won't dread getting up as much, or you'll even look forward to it because it makes you feel better.

I've been going through some of these changes myself recently. Loathed getting up in the morning, or the idea of going outside. I did it whenever I had to, but I preferred to stay up until 3 or 4 am on my own. I wasn't exactly enjoying it and my energy levels were a disgrace, but I told myself that's just who I was, a "night owl" who was incapable of functioning before noon. With time and some effort, my habits have changed. I still enjoy staying up late and sleeping in, and I like being at home doing what I want to do. But I'm beginning to enjoy going out once in a while, seeing a friend or two, and even getting up earlier to do some light exercise. Still, I don't feel like I'm a different person. I'm myself, only a bit more comfortable with the way I live.

 

[dannysgrave]

Recovery is a process, and it involves (sometimes radical) changes to your way of life, but it's something that happens gradually and that you have control over.

I guess I kinda forgot that it's MY recovery and I have control over what it changes and how fast it goes.

But I'm beginning to enjoy going out once in a while, seeing a friend or two, and even getting up earlier to do some light exercise. Still, I don't feel like I'm a different person. I'm myself, only a bit more comfortable with the way I live.

I'm really happy for you that you're beginning to enjoy these things! You've given me a lot to think about and I truly appreciate that. Thank you. I wish you the best of luck on your journey!

 

[EmpathyMinded]

Has anyone else been scared of recovery or getting better? What if my personality completely changes and I'm stuck wondering if the personality I had was ever actually me? What if who I am changes so much I can't even recognise myself anymore?

I've been dealing with and feeling these things for as long as I can remember and I'm kind of scared of what my life will be like if I get better. Has anyone else gone through something like this?

Recovery is a relatively recent thing for me, but the answer to your question is yes in a different way. I have, even before recovery, become a much different person that I used to be. Felt like I didn't recognize myself in the mirror like you alluded to, even though the face was similar, but I knew I had become something better than who I was. I don't think it was scary, so much as it was profound. How we can evolve so much, our soul can change so much, but still be the same person. Because the thing is, regardless of becoming a different person, you still hold those memories and experiences you had as the person before. The pain, and the triumphs. You carry that with you, and you know you are you because you did go through all that. The you right now isn't gone in that person tomorrow, it's a foundation it's built from, which as weak as it seems like it should feel, can be the true source of the strength that person tomorrow has. Because if they couldn't kill you now, how the fuck will they stop that version of you tomorrow?

You aren't without having experienced this in your own life, even if different from mine in terms of the phases we are at now. The you as a baby became the person that was a toddler, a child, a teen, a young adult, grown adult and so on. People are like butterflies or moths in that way: the form may change inside and out, but the identity transcends it. In that way, I feel like you don't need to be as scared as you feel like you should be right now. Change is inevitable, but if you fight for what form that will take, it can be change that belongs to you. And in that way, you aren't so lost or powerless as you would want to believe.

Besides, there are those of us here to see who you are now, and will stand beside you so to speak as you become the you of tomorrow. You aren't facing that change alone. I will bear witness. Everyone here that cares to - and I think that would be more people than you expect - will bear witness. And we will all know you became more powerful, but nevertheless, remain YOU. Take heart, you don't have to struggle alone anymore.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

I guess I kinda forgot that it's MY recovery and I have control over what it changes and how fast it goes.

I'm really happy for you that you're beginning to enjoy these things! You've given me a lot to think about and I truly appreciate that. Thank you. I wish you the best of luck on your journey!

Thank you, and I'm glad you found my perspective useful. I wish you the best too, and hopefully you'll get to a place in life where you feel better. It gets tough sometimes, but I think you can do it. :)

 

[UsagiDrop]

I guess I never really considered that I wouldn't lose those parts of me forever you know? I see recovery as an "all or nothing" kind of thing (even though I know that's not how it works) that it feels like I'd have to lose those parts of myself forever and I wouldn't be "truly recovered" until I did.

That's understandable. The image of healing is often becoming the opposite of what we were healing from, but that isn't necessarily the truth about it all. As others have said it's not just getting from point A to point B and becoming a different person than you were in the beginning, rather it is adjusting parts of yourself to accommodate a different life. There will be some things we will have to "lose" in that process but they will still be part of us, we will still be ourselves— just a little different. And nobody ever "truly recovers" anyway from what I hear. Sometimes you still struggle, it's just that the changes we make equip us to handle these things better. Where you are on the journey to recovery doesn't make you any less recovered, it's something we will all probably have to continue doing as long as we live.

If I can make you feel even a little more comfortable with that change then I'm happy. I hope you recover and wish you well!

 

[dannysgrave]

I don't think it was scary, so much as it was profound. How we can evolve so much, our soul can change so much, but still be the same person. Because the thing is, regardless of becoming a different person, you still hold those memories and experiences you had as the person before. The pain, and the triumphs. You carry that with you, and you know you are you because you did go through all that. The you right now isn't gone in that person tomorrow, it's a foundation it's built from, which as weak as it seems like it should feel, can be the true source of the strength that person tomorrow has. Because if they couldn't kill you now, how the fuck will they stop that version of you tomorrow?

And in that way, you aren't so lost or powerless as you would want to believe.

Besides, there are those of us here to see who you are now, and will stand beside you so to speak as you become the you of tomorrow. You aren't facing that change alone. I will bear witness. Everyone here that cares to - and I think that would be more people than you expect - will bear witness. And we will all know you became more powerful, but nevertheless, remain YOU. Take heart, you don't have to struggle alone anymore.

This was really beautiful to read and it made me cry a little bit honestly. I truly appreciate you saying all that, you've given me a lot to think about. I don't think I've ever felt so seen and heard before and I genuinely thank you for the kind words and encouragement you've given me.

 

[Unending]

I'm scared of recovery in the sense that it feels like with each time I've attempted to recover that hasn't succeeded, it's gotten slightly more upsetting and tiresome to invest hope in a system that hasn't been able to do me much justice thus far. I guess it's sort of painful watching over the years as it feels like my life is on the line yet nothing seems to work. That being said, there have been some slight changes lately in my environment that work to my benefit. Overall though, I'm really struggling to feel like anything will fix me. I'll keep an open mind but reserve the right to feel pessimistic about treatment considering just how many times I've been failed by the current mental health options.

 

[dannysgrave]

If I can make you feel even a little more comfortable with that change then I'm happy. I hope you recover and wish you well!

You really have, I truly appreciate everything you've written thank you so much. I wish you the best of luck on your journey as well!

I'm scared of recovery in the sense that it feels like with each time I've attempted to recover that hasn't succeeded, it's gotten slightly more upsetting and tiresome to invest hope in a system that hasn't been able to do me much justice thus far. I guess it's sort of painful watching over the years as it feels like my life is on the line yet nothing seems to work.

I feel the same way. I've seen three different therapists and I've never left any of them feeling better.

That being said, there have been some slight changes lately in my environment that work to my benefit. Overall though, I'm really struggling to feel like anything will fix me. I'll keep an open mind but reserve the right to feel pessimistic about treatment considering just how many times I've been failed by the current mental health options.

I'm glad there have been changes that work to your benefit. But I understand how tiring it is to have to rely on the same system over and over again. It's hard to put any more effort into a system that's never truly helped you before.

 

[Stormy Raine]

I was going to ctb Saturday but I told someone I would do it soon, well long story short I was placed on a 72 hr hold. I don't really think the hood helped me, what helped me ultimately was seeing how many people truly cared for me. I will never do it again, it's simply not worth it. As far as your thread, I'm excited about life now, I have a new support system and it hurt my kids the worse. Getting better isn't a bad thing, the meds help but you have to want the help 1st! Try to find reasons to keep going and when it's tough find healthy outlets, healthy chat sites, get a pet, etc. Life can be difficult but we are stronger than we think we are. Give life a chance it's not too bad, and I'm saying this with a ton of problems so it's no cliche in me saying it. So you've become a professional I assume at being depressed and sad and you know how it feels, now give your life a purpose and let us know how you feel. I wish you the best and there are brighter days ahead, don't keep letting them pass you by!

 

[EmpathyMinded]

I was going to ctb Saturday but I told someone I would do it soon, well long story short I was placed on a 72 hr hold. I don't really think the hood helped me, what helped me ultimately was seeing how many people truly cared for me. I will never do it again, it's simply not worth it. As far as your thread, I'm excited about life now, I have a new support system and it hurt my kids the worse. Getting better isn't a bad thing, the meds help but you have to want the help 1st! Try to find reasons to keep going and when it's tough find healthy outlets, healthy chat sites, get a pet, etc. Life can be difficult but we are stronger than we think we are. Give life a chance it's not too bad, and I'm saying this with a ton of problems so it's no cliche in me saying it. So you've become a professional I assume at being depressed and sad and you know how it feels, now give your life a purpose and let us know how you feel. I wish you the best and there are brighter days ahead, don't keep letting them pass you by!

Glad you are doing better. It's hard to believe sunshine exists when you just feel buried alive. I've been there myself. Glad you are climbing your way out.

I'm scared of recovery in the sense that it feels like with each time I've attempted to recover that hasn't succeeded, it's gotten slightly more upsetting and tiresome to invest hope in a system that hasn't been able to do me much justice thus far. I guess it's sort of painful watching over the years as it feels like my life is on the line yet nothing seems to work. That being said, there have been some slight changes lately in my environment that work to my benefit. Overall though, I'm really struggling to feel like anything will fix me. I'll keep an open mind but reserve the right to feel pessimistic about treatment considering just how many times I've been failed by the current mental health options.

It's destined to be a struggle, but I'm sure you're stronger than you feel like you are right now and it's one you can win. Some people will avt like it's simple who are on the outside. Who have never been where we have. It isn't. I'm not going to lie to you, and you know it's true already anyway. BUT…it's not impossible. If you need people in your corner to help going forward, you have me. Here to listen and give advice if you want that any time. You'll never be a burden to me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I've had these exact thoughts before. I've had ideation for 33 years- since I was 10. I can't really imagine who I'd be if I didn't think and feel like this.

It definitely put me off trying to change in the past. Really- I'm a bit of a fraud posting here at all to be honest- because I'm not looking to recover- partly because of that reason. I suppose familiarity is comforting- even when that familiarity is feeling unhappy. I just can't be bothered to challenge myself that much to become someone new. Still- I wish everyone luck who are willing to put in that work.

 

[iLikeFrogs]

I totally understand you. I'm too scared of recovery, I'm scared that I will stop being myself when I'll recover and that I'm nothing without being ill.

 

[Valky]

A very very valid reason to be scared. Our mental illness takes over our head, our mind, our soul. You will change, but only for the better. Of course it will feel strange at first because we are so scared of loosing that bit of familiarity that we have left but that doesn't mean that it is not worth it

 

[BlissCore]

Its pretty scary to not recognize yourself, i dont even from a year or 2 ago. You constantly change, and if thats headed in the direction of getting better for recovery, what is the fear of besides the change? If the direction is positive in correlation to you, i would see how it feels.