Venting Scared of people with BPD even though I have it myself

[NormallyNeurotic]

The title, I guess. For reference, a family member of mine has BPD. This has caused fights between us that involve deflection, splitting, paranoia, and yelling on their part. I love them, and I'm encouraging them to get help.

But. That stuff has traumatized me. I can't ignore that fact anymore. I have had multiple friends with BPD, and thing have gone "wrong" before. Recently, a semi-friend split on me, accused me of trying to piss them off, and then refused to tell me what exactly I did to cause this. All the things she sent reminded me of that family member and it triggered me bad.

They then posted something that is... psychosis inducing? Publicly on a server. And I think they genuinely believe it too. Sone conspiracy theory similar to starseeds. Their posts had already been getting odd lately too.

All of this made me realize that I subconsciously have my guard up around people with BPD.

And I definitely shouldn't because I have it too but it's something that's hard to shake. I also have NPD, and all the personality disorder support spaces I've been in with primarily borderlines have been a lot more... chaotic? Yet the spaces I've been in with mostly narcissists and sociopaths have been way calmer.

I want to tell myself that it's a coincidence. That there's some variable I missed that causes this. I just can't ignore how toxic BPD spaces are after I experienced so much in them. It becomes a "mean girl club" so fast and so many people in those spaces have high paranoia. The amount of borderlines that talked about how "all narcissists are secretly taking over the world and borderlines are the only ones who can save the neurotypicals from being turned into one, because borderlines can deflect narcissistic energy and read auras" and other odd conspiracy theories genuinely gave me anxiety.

I feel like the "normalization" of BPD in some places has just become romanticization? So much "borderlines love so deeply, we make the best partners" (yeah until we split lmao?) and "all borderlines are empaths, I'll always know what my partner is thinking" (empathy ≠ telepathy) and "borderlines are the antithesis of narcissists and sociopaths" (we are called borderlines because we're ON THE BORDER of all Cluster B disorders )

For some reason, a lot of the borderlines in my life are allergic to accountability for emotions. And I get that a lot of humans are like this in general, but I just can't figure out why the sample size of borderlines I hang out with is like this so much? The people I meet aren't even all from the same place either? What is it about ME in particular that attracts these people (I have borderline friends who aren't like this but it's getting insane how many are)

I'm really trying to shake this weird anxiety I've developed around people with my own disorder. I don't know how. I want to go back to relating to people again, not being nervous.

If I've talked to you on here and you have BPD, just know that I haven't been faking being nice to you. It's just that I have this buzz of anxiety and hypervigilance beneath the surface. I want it to go away.

If I'm helping someone get resources or something it isn't as bad because my brain says "obviously they aren't the type to no take accountability because they're actively trying to get help right now" but otherwise... ugh

 

[Forever Sleep]

It makes sense (to me) to be wary of individuals after having negative experiences with them. Even if it isn't something as extreme as a fight. Even with friends who have backed out on things we planned say- I made mental notes not to rely on them again. It's a shame if it's becoming literally anyone with the disorder though- for you.

I suppose I have a very severe suspicion of narcissists- because I believe I grew up with one. They were the reason I first became suicidal. But then- it doesn't necessarily mean everyone with NPD will act like them. They may even have changed- we were children at the time. I wouldn't want to risk finding out though! They may not even have NPD. I just thought they displayed so many traits, it seemed likely. But, self proclaimed NPD sufferers here seemed more reasonable.

I think you have to know yourself though too. Personally, I would likely try to avoid both BPD and NPD in real life. Because I can feel intense emotions and be clingy too. But, also have a fear of abandonment. I think the intensity and volatility of such a relationship/ friendship would do more harm than good- for me.

I don't think it's always about villainizing people. It's just recognizing that maybe we don't have the type of character that lives harmoniously with theirs.

I sometimes wonder about those with autism or neurodivergents. They often say they can't seem to relate to neurotypicals. That they can't necessarily read the social cues or that they irritate them being fixated on niche subjects. I wonder whether neurodivergents find it easier to relate to other neurodivergents but then, I suppose if their interests are different, the irritation maybe just intensifies.

I'm really just speaking naively though- based on next to no knowledge of the conditions. But then, just basically- multiple people together- all feeling incredibly intense but sometimes unstable emotions (in the case of BPD) does sound like a recipe for intense disagreements.

Does knowing in yourself, you are prone to these extremes help? I believe I'm prone to limerence- crazy obsessive crushes. But, knowing that, I am more able to keep myself in check. I guess in friendships or relationships where emotions run high in both partners, can there be awareness and agreement at the start? That, should they find themselves falling into a rage pit, there's some way of stopping and taking a breath- before it escalates?

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

I sometimes wonder about those with autism or neurodivergents. They often say they can't seem to relate to neurotypicals. That they can't necessarily read the social cues or that they irritate them being fixated on niche subjects. I wonder whether neurodivergents find it easier to relate to other neurodivergents but then, I suppose if their interests are different, the irritation maybe just intensifies.

Ironically, all the borderlines who I've had bad experiences with were autistic too. I think it may play into it, my borderline family member gets worse BPD symptoms during Autism meltdowns/shutdowns.

I'm really just speaking naively though- based on next to no knowledge of the conditions. But then, just basically- multiple people together- all feeling incredibly intense but sometimes unstable emotions (in the case of BPD) does sound like a recipe for intense disagreements.

Yeah, looking back at my message and everything, I think I figured the variable out:

Most of the BPD-centered areas I frequented consisted of borderlines who were either pre-recovery, or currently in the process of it.

The NPD/ASPD-centered spaces had people had either been in therapy for years, or had high psychological knowledge and DBT skills.

It makes sense... for the more stigmatized PDs, we tend to be too afraid to admit to others (and sometimes ourselves) that we have them. So we're less likely to enter spaces like that.

Plus, narcissists might be worried that their envy traits would cause them anxiety in a group (envy SUCKS ugh this was one of my worries), and sociopaths might just want to avoid too much social interaction/be worried that they will be expected to conform and mask emotion-wise to be palatable. So those of us in groups are typically more aware of our vices and able to cope.

Does knowing in yourself, you are prone to these extremes help? I believe I'm prone to limerence- crazy obsessive crushes. But, knowing that, I am more able to keep myself in check. I guess in friendships or relationships where emotions run high in both partners, can there be awareness and agreement at the start? That, should they find themselves falling into a rage pit, there's some way of stopping and taking a breath- before it escalates?

When I split on people I really like, I tell them that I need to step back for a bit. Then I just have to not ruminate for a while, away from them. Telling people ahead of time is definitely helpful, yeah.