Venting Ive lived a fairly empty life

[miles-away]

I'm 23. I don't even have an associates yet. I live with my parents and they drive me to work. I was homeschooled since 8th grade and barely interacted with anyone outside my immediate family. It made me develop severe social anxiety, ocd and I became borderline obese. From 18-21, I was shut-in agoraphobe who rarely left the house and I was scared of the outdoors. I dropped in and out of community college because I kept getting burnt out and I became passively suicidal.

I look at my life and it's just...empty. I didn't do anything as a teen except develop religious ocd. During my hermit years I did nothing. I didn't read more or learn anything new. I just listened to music and paced around the house daydreaming. I talk to other people my aage. They had friends, experiences, no matter how boring. There's a giant gap in my teen years to my early adulthood.

I am passively suicidal but that's how my suicidal urges will stay until i grow a spine-passive and in my head. I kept telling myself I'd kill myself after school but I kept changing the date out of laziness or cowardice.

So I want to get better but I'm already filled with regret. I'm come to the conclusion I'm probably on the spectrum like the rest of my family. I hate picking up the pieces of my life whilst other people my age are starting their careers and lives.

 

[swankysoup]

I can relate, i was in a similar situation at 23, and some time later i started uni but idk if there is any point in trying anymore. Existing like this and seeing other people enjoy their lives causes more damage to me. But it's hard to make the final decision to ctb for my own personal reasons.