Discussion scared of death, but only when it's out of my control

[mushroomhive]

i have a fear of driving/being in a car which is more recent because i'm scared of how suddenly you can die because of one mistake on the road but i've also have had a life long fear of being murdered. like seriously long term, i was paranoid about it in my earliest toddler memories. i don't have any death related trauma i guess i just had a morbid mind that told me to be afraid of the world and gave me graphic gorey dreams of my family being murdered. i'm always on edge i take anxiety medication to try and prevent panic attacks over small noises . around 2020 i developed health anxiety too and get my most severe panic attacks when some small pain shows up and i delude myself into thinking i'm gonna die in my sleep. the idea of my life being taken away suddenly or out of my control is so terrifying. i'm suicidal for many reasons, and even if i didn't have this fear i would be suicidal, but i can't deny one of them is that i absolutely cannot stand the idea of dying outside of my control. anyone else feel the same?
i just need to be able to say goodbye, prepare. i need to be in control of it. i have a strong need for control in my life and my death is one of the things i'm very obsessed with being in charge of

 

[puppet_nihilist]

Between getting killed and suicide I'd also choose suicide. I understand your concern about it. I hope that you're not in immediate danger of getting killed. If it's paranoia and anxiety that's making you feel like that and not a real world threat then I hope you can find ways to cope with it or even mitigate its effects. I only have social anxiety, it's literally like a phobia lol so I understand how tough it can be to keep your brain quiet. I don't have experience with extreme paranoia, but hopefully you can find better advice on it

 

[mushroomhive]

Between getting killed and suicide I'd also choose suicide. I understand your concern about it. I hope that you're not in immediate danger of getting killed. If it's paranoia and anxiety that's making you feel like that and not a real world threat then I hope you can find ways to cope with it or even mitigate its effects. I only have social anxiety, it's literally like a phobia lol so I understand how tough it can be to keep your brain quiet. I don't have experience with extreme paranoia, but hopefully you can find better advice on it

i live in a safe household, definitely a lot safer than when i developed this as a child, but if you asked me when i'm in a paranoid state if i was in danger and i was genuinely gonna be murdered/die i'd probably say yes

 

[FuneralCry]

It's very much understandable wanting to be in control of when you die as so much in life is determined by factors that we have limited control over and suicide is the way of gaining control over all of this and preventing a more horrible unexpected death by some other cause. Suicide has always appealed to me as a way to die as I would prefer to exit at a time of my own choosing when I know that I'm about to leave, rather than die at an unexpected time.