Story Saying that I don’t matter /=/ thinking I am worthless

[Cloud Busting]

Was drinking a few beers with my step bro and his ex

Got a little loose. Her chihuahua took a liking to me. He stood near me and let me pet him, despite his shakes. The girl pointed this out, since it is a rarity. Most chihuahuas are aggressive towards me.

It was such a beautiful moment to pet a neurotic dog and enjoy a few beverages with people I love and care about. I spilled that- while human beings are just specks of dust and mere atoms and matter and therefore insignificant in the grand scheme of things- it is such a privilege to live in a grand and glorious world. We could all die tomorrow and it wouldn't matter, yet I still get to marvel at the wonders of the world, even if I'm here by random chance.

Well that was a mistake. "don't say that! Stop right now! You do matter!"

I tried to explain that I never said I was worthless. I just understand I'm not the center of the universe and not even necessary for it's existence. That I am alive at all is a blessing I do not want to take for granted.

Of course they refused to listen.

Assigning a value to life- whether positive or negative- is so weird to me. They assumed that's what I was doing. Absolutely not. I was saying that I exist at all for no reason is a luxury, so I'd like to live to the fullest.

Why do pro-lifers think we ought to have value or meaning to live fully?

I may be in recovery, but I post on SaSu regardless because this is a pro-choice platform that respects any recovery path I choose. When talking with pro-lifers, I always feel like I have to hold in my views cuz I'm not recovering in the "right" way.

This is the only place where people actually dig deeper to try to understand why people are suicidal to begin with. It's the only place where I can be honest.

And for that I am grateful.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Well, you matter to your stepbrother. No nihilistic, big-picture kind of thinking can negate the genuine importance you hold for him.

So you matter within the context of human relationships both on a personal level and on a societal. Even if it doesn't extend beyond those systems those are the ones you primarily exist within.

If you're not attached to your life enough that you don't want to continue it that's another thing. No one should try to force you to ascribe more meaning to it than you naturally do.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Well, you matter to your stepbrother. No nihilistic, big-picture kind of thinking can negate the genuine importance you hold for him.

So you matter within the context of human relationships both on a personal level and on a societal. Even if it doesn't extend beyond those systems those are the ones you primarily exist within.

If you're not attached to your life enough that you don't want to continue it that's another thing. No one should try to force you to ascribe more meaning to it than you naturally do.

That's true, and it provided some context for why they found that so upsetting.

I mean they both matter to me.

Though reductively- on a philosophical level- nothing really matters on a grand scheme of things. I wish people understood that you don't have to ascribe some objective value or meaning to life, or yourself, or anything really to marvel at life's mystique and beauty.

I think these platitudes of "there is hope!" or "you value! You matter!" sounds so empty to depressed people and that such an approach doesn't work for everyone.

Tho if i want them to understand my POV, I should try to understand theirs. Point noted.

 

[moondazed]

Was drinking a few beers with my step bro and his ex

Got a little loose. Her chihuahua took a liking to me. He stood near me and let me pet him, despite his shakes. The girl pointed this out, since it is a rarity. Most chihuahuas are aggressive towards me.

It was such a beautiful moment to pet a neurotic dog and enjoy a few beverages with people I love and care about. I spilled that- while human beings are just specks of dust and mere atoms and matter and therefore insignificant in the grand scheme of things- it is such a privilege to live in a grand and glorious world. We could all die tomorrow and it wouldn't matter, yet I still get to marvel at the wonders of the world, even if I'm here by random chance.

Well that was a mistake. "don't say that! Stop right now! You do matter!"

I tried to explain that I never said I was worthless. I just understand I'm not the center of the universe and not even necessary for it's existence. That I am alive at all is a blessing I do not want to take for granted.

Of course they refused to listen.

Assigning a value to life- whether positive or negative- is so weird to me. They assumed that's what I was doing. Absolutely not. I was saying that I exist at all for no reason is a luxury, so I'd like to live to the fullest.

Why do pro-lifers think we ought to have value or meaning to live fully?

I may be in recovery, but I post on SaSu regardless because this is a pro-choice platform that respects any recovery path I choose. When talking with pro-lifers, I always feel like I have to hold in my views cuz I'm not recovering in the "right" way.

This is the only place where people actually dig deeper to try to understand why people are suicidal to begin with. It's the only place where I can be honest.

And for that I am grateful.

It sounds like they were projecting, to be honest. Not saying that as a slight towards them, because they seem to care and it came from a good place. But you were clear that you were taking a philosophical / metaphysical angle with what you were saying, and it's likely they took it personally. Like most people who aren't often stuck in their head would. So the "polite" response was to say you do matter. I get in this situation often myself.

We're all made of matter, so we all matter, in a sense hehe

 

[Cloud Busting]

It sounds like they were projecting, to be honest. Not saying that as a slight towards them, because they seem to care and it came from a good place. But you were clear that you were taking a philosophical / metaphysical angle with what you were saying, and it's likely they took it personally. Like most people who aren't often stuck in their head would. So the "polite" response was to say you do matter. I get in this situation often myself.

We're all made of matter, so we all matter, in a sense hehe

They just talked over me. It really sucked.

Your last sentence is really aspirational aha

 

[LaVieEnRose]

That's true, and it provided some context for why they found that so upsetting.

I mean they both matter to me.

Though reductively- on a philosophical level- nothing really matters on a grand scheme of things. I wish people understood that you don't have to ascribe some objective value or meaning to life, or yourself, or anything really to marvel at life's mystique and beauty.

I think these platitudes of "there is hope!" or "you value! You matter!" sounds so empty to depressed people and that such an approach doesn't work for everyone.

Tho if i want them to understand my POV, I should try to understand theirs. Point noted.

You matter and you don't. A paradox. But despite the positive-negative polarity I think both those statements can be true.

I also think that it is generally better for us if we are in fact able to accept the real place we occupy in the greater scheme of things and therefore be less hung up on what has either been denied or forced upon us. Of course achieving that kind of attitude is no mean feat. I guess it's about striving towards it rather than actually getting there.