Discussion Saying goodbye to a 5 year old

[Wreck-it-Riley]

I wrote my first letter to my daughter. the second one is going to be my general note for all adults, but include sections for everyone. I also changed names (Riley isnt even my real name) and stuff before anyone says it. Please keep in mind this is for a 5 year old. She is very smart, but i tried to dial it back a little to her age range.





My dear Jellybean.


If you have this letter, it means that Mommy Riley is gone, and I am so sorry I didnt get to say goodbye. As hard as we try, the things we want desperately do not always happen. I prey you will be able forgive me, and understand why in the future. Your mother will have another letter to show you when she think you will understand. I hope you will find all the answers you need.


The most important thing in my whole life was you, Daughter. I love you now, and have always loved you. When you would smile, the entire world went still. At times, I could only think clearly when I knew you were going to visit. Your laugh made my day shine bright. I remember how fragile you felt when I first held you, so small you could be held with one hand. And how fast you grew! Throwing you up high into the air, With screams and laughter, were moments I couldn't forget. You loved to be tossed onto beds, always yelling "Again! Again!" until exhaustion took me. So happy and content to just cuddle and draw on the whiteboard. You were defiantly way to smart for your own good. Once, we took you to the doctor and managed to teach you how to say "Florescent" at only 2 and a half years old! Your mother might still have the video. We tried so hard to get you to stay out of things, but being the smarty pants you were, you could do anything! One of my favorite pictures of you is eating a giant block of cheese almost as big as you were! You managed to steal it from the fridge with a step ladder, and we were so proud.


The last few months without you have been the hardest of my life. I look at your pictures every day, and what few videos I have. I wish I had more, and newer ones. Its been so long since I heard anything about you. The most beautiful gift I have ever received was your love. I wish, every day, that I could have been the mom you needed. I am sorry I let you down. As I write this, I remember the last time I saw you. You had just finished a gymnastics class, and were so happy. Im sorry that I was crying and barely able to speak. If I could have, I would have told you just how much I truly care. I ask the gods daily for you to remember me in a much brighter light.


I hope you know that I loved you more than life itself. And every day we have been kept apart has been painful. I miss you Daughter. And if our forced separation is even close, you will be in unimaginable pain from my being gone. My biggest regret will be not getting to watch you grow and shine as bright as I know you can. Your first date, Graduation. If you chose to get married and have kids of your own. Neither of us will get to know each other properly. I am sorry I have stolen that from you. The chance for a different opinion from a parent. Nothing I can do will give that back, and I am so, so sorry.


This world is not for me my love. But the day you were born, it got a whole lot brighter. A purple, screaming poop monster for your mother and I to hold close. In the hospital, I knew your cry. 10 other babies making sounds and crying, but I knew yours instantly. You made me a better person. Want to keep growing and growing to be everything you needed. I am sorry I wasn't strong enough to beat this illness. Please forgive me.


Goodbye Daughter. Mommy loves you.

 

[Deltrus]

Wow, amazing and great letter! I am sure she will treasure it.

 

[Wreck-it-Riley]

Wow, amazing and great letter! I am sure she will treasure it.

Thank you. I really want to hug her before i go. Look into those eyes one last time. I have so many beautiful pictures of her. i think i will be holding one when i pass.

 

[Sweet emotion]

This is just my opinion but a five year old shouldn't be reading a suicide note. First of all their little minds aren't mature enough to understand the true meaning of life and death much less suicide.

That's not a thing a 5 year old should ever get. That's a 16-18 year old, your mother wanted you to have this to let you know how much she loved you even though she was fucked up, sort of thing.

I completely agree. A five year old will not understand and they shouldn't know what suicide is at that age. There is such a small window of time when we are blind to the horrors of the world and you don't want a five year old who is already in therapy thinking about death non stop. Especially suicide.

I cannot answer your question, about what to write to a 5 year old, I'm sorry. I hear your pain though, that you want your child to know that you love her and that your decision has nothing to do with her.
I want to tell you one story though: My friends mom killed herself when he was 11. She wrote him a letter, of course, and he has read it a million times, he can quote it, and when he misses her, he actually does. The words give him comfort and your child will always carry them with her. What my friend has not gotten, is closure. He once said something to me that really made me think: He said that he loves his mom and that he loves her letter, but he doesn't understand.
His letter was addressed at an 11 year old boy, at the cognitive abilities and the limited horizon of an 11 year old boy. She did not take into account that he would one day be an adult. And at that point I swore to myself that, if I had a kid, I'd write to that kid at the age when I die, and a second letter for later, to the adult I hope s/he becomes, where I explain more, as you would towards an adult. I don't know if what I'm saying makes sense. Point is: write two letters. One age appropriate one, one for the adult your child will become with adult logic and adult explanations.

Do you think the age of five is an appropriate age to receive a suicide letter? They're not going to understand. And they shouldn't understand at that age.

I cannot answer your question, about what to write to a 5 year old, I'm sorry. I hear your pain though, that you want your child to know that you love her and that your decision has nothing to do with her.
I want to tell you one story though: My friends mom killed herself when he was 11. She wrote him a letter, of course, and he has read it a million times, he can quote it, and when he misses her, he actually does. The words give him comfort and your child will always carry them with her. What my friend has not gotten, is closure. He once said something to me that really made me think: He said that he loves his mom and that he loves her letter, but he doesn't understand.
His letter was addressed at an 11 year old boy, at the cognitive abilities and the limited horizon of an 11 year old boy. She did not take into account that he would one day be an adult. And at that point I swore to myself that, if I had a kid, I'd write to that kid at the age when I die, and a second letter for later, to the adult I hope s/he becomes, where I explain more, as you would towards an adult. I don't know if what I'm saying makes sense. Point is: write two letters. One age appropriate one, one for the adult your child will become with adult logic and adult explanations.

Do you think the age of five is an appropriate age to receive a suicide letter? They're not going to understand. And they shouldn't understand at that age.

 

[Wreck-it-Riley]

This is just my opinion but a five year old shouldn't be reading a suicide note. First of all their little minds aren't mature enough to understand the true meaning of life and death much less suicide.

Children are way smarter than you give them credit for. She has had a grandma pass before and been fine. There is no true meaning of life, if there was you would be setting the world on fire by announcing it. it is basically only Christians who have this massive fear of telling their kids about death.

She needs to know i love her. that none of this is her fault. Children s imaginations are wild. If you don't tell them what happened to satisfaction, they will make up their own mind. I would rather her deal with it and grow while she can than find out she has been lied to for years when my second letter shows up with detailed reasoning for my death.

Never lie to your children. Even white lies strip trust. the survivors will think she needs to be sheltered and say im away somewhere or some bullshit and run me down. Not telling her my truth, would be doing a disservice. not leaving her with words of love to hear from my heart will haunt her for life.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I never thought about that. the few things i have writen as builder ideas are all very 5 year old worded.

I am also making it a point not to say anything bad about her other mom. She doesnt need to hate the one she has left because of how she treats me. 10 years of marriage had to mean something right?

We broke up because a friend outed me as transgender. I had mentioned seeing a psychologist to work on gender stuff, but i didnt know if i wanted it or not. She very violently over reacted. It put me in the hospital. Kinda said fuck it and went for it after that, already lost my wife and kid right? We had started talking again and even being slightly friendly. And then at the end of April i asked to have motherday with them. The fallout was horrible. havent heard a word from anyone in almost 7 months. their lawyers call me though, she has been trying to take away my visitation rights, even though she isnt letting me see her anyway.

You didn't tell your wife that you were transgender? Please forgive me as I don't know how to ask this. Did you transition from a man to a woman or the other way around. And this is your biological child? And if you transitioned to a man how could your wife not know when she sees you without your clothes on?

Children are way smarter than you give them credit for. She has had a grandma pass before and been fine. There is no true meaning of life, if there was you would be setting the world on fire by announcing it.

She needs to know i love her. that none of this is her fault. Children s imaginations are wild. If you don't tell them what happened to satisfaction, they will make up their own mind. I would rather her deal with it and grow while she can than find out she has been lied to for years when my second letter shows up with detailed reasoning for my death.

Never lie to your children. Even white lies strip trust. the survivors will think she needs to be sheltered and say im away somewhere or some bullshit and run me down. Not telling her my truth, would be doing a disservice. not leaving her with words of love to hear from my heart will haunt her for life.

We will have to agree to disagree with this one.

I wrote my first letter to my daughter. the second one is going to be my general note for all adults, but include sections for everyone. I also changed names (Riley isnt even my real name) and stuff before anyone says it. Please keep in mind this is for a 5 year old. She is very smart, but i tried to dial it back a little to her age range.





My dear Jellybean.


If you have this letter, it means that Mommy Riley is gone, and I am so sorry I didnt get to say goodbye. As hard as we try, the things we want desperately do not always happen. I prey you will be able forgive me, and understand why in the future. Your mother will have another letter to show you when she think you will understand. I hope you will find all the answers you need.


The most important thing in my whole life was you, Daughter. I love you now, and have always loved you. When you would smile, the entire world went still. At times, I could only think clearly when I knew you were going to visit. Your laugh made my day shine bright. I remember how fragile you felt when I first held you, so small you could be held with one hand. And how fast you grew! Throwing you up high into the air, With screams and laughter, were moments I couldn't forget. You loved to be tossed onto beds, always yelling "Again! Again!" until exhaustion took me. So happy and content to just cuddle and draw on the whiteboard. You were defiantly way to smart for your own good. Once, we took you to the doctor and managed to teach you how to say "Florescent" at only 2 and a half years old! Your mother might still have the video. We tried so hard to get you to stay out of things, but being the smarty pants you were, you could do anything! One of my favorite pictures of you is eating a giant block of cheese almost as big as you were! You managed to steal it from the fridge with a step ladder, and we were so proud.


The last few months without you have been the hardest of my life. I look at your pictures every day, and what few videos I have. I wish I had more, and newer ones. Its been so long since I heard anything about you. The most beautiful gift I have ever received was your love. I wish, every day, that I could have been the mom you needed. I am sorry I let you down. As I write this, I remember the last time I saw you. You had just finished a gymnastics class, and were so happy. Im sorry that I was crying and barely able to speak. If I could have, I would have told you just how much I truly care. I ask the gods daily for you to remember me in a much brighter light.


I hope you know that I loved you more than life itself. And every day we have been kept apart has been painful. I miss you Daughter. And if our forced separation is even close, you will be in unimaginable pain from my being gone. My biggest regret will be not getting to watch you grow and shine as bright as I know you can. Your first date, Graduation. If you chose to get married and have kids of your own. Neither of us will get to know each other properly. I am sorry I have stolen that from you. The chance for a different opinion from a parent. Nothing I can do will give that back, and I am so, so sorry.


This world is not for me my love. But the day you were born, it got a whole lot brighter. A purple, screaming poop monster for your mother and I to hold close. In the hospital, I knew your cry. 10 other babies making sounds and crying, but I knew yours instantly. You made me a better person. Want to keep growing and growing to be everything you needed. I am sorry I wasn't strong enough to beat this illness. Please forgive me.


Goodbye Daughter. Mommy loves you.

The word prey is wrong...it's supposed to be pray. Prey is like when a lion is stalking its prey.

I wrote my first letter to my daughter. the second one is going to be my general note for all adults, but include sections for everyone. I also changed names (Riley isnt even my real name) and stuff before anyone says it. Please keep in mind this is for a 5 year old. She is very smart, but i tried to dial it back a little to her age range.





My dear Jellybean.


If you have this letter, it means that Mommy Riley is gone, and I am so sorry I didnt get to say goodbye. As hard as we try, the things we want desperately do not always happen. I prey you will be able forgive me, and understand why in the future. Your mother will have another letter to show you when she think you will understand. I hope you will find all the answers you need.


The most important thing in my whole life was you, Daughter. I love you now, and have always loved you. When you would smile, the entire world went still. At times, I could only think clearly when I knew you were going to visit. Your laugh made my day shine bright. I remember how fragile you felt when I first held you, so small you could be held with one hand. And how fast you grew! Throwing you up high into the air, With screams and laughter, were moments I couldn't forget. You loved to be tossed onto beds, always yelling "Again! Again!" until exhaustion took me. So happy and content to just cuddle and draw on the whiteboard. You were defiantly way to smart for your own good. Once, we took you to the doctor and managed to teach you how to say "Florescent" at only 2 and a half years old! Your mother might still have the video. We tried so hard to get you to stay out of things, but being the smarty pants you were, you could do anything! One of my favorite pictures of you is eating a giant block of cheese almost as big as you were! You managed to steal it from the fridge with a step ladder, and we were so proud.


The last few months without you have been the hardest of my life. I look at your pictures every day, and what few videos I have. I wish I had more, and newer ones. Its been so long since I heard anything about you. The most beautiful gift I have ever received was your love. I wish, every day, that I could have been the mom you needed. I am sorry I let you down. As I write this, I remember the last time I saw you. You had just finished a gymnastics class, and were so happy. Im sorry that I was crying and barely able to speak. If I could have, I would have told you just how much I truly care. I ask the gods daily for you to remember me in a much brighter light.


I hope you know that I loved you more than life itself. And every day we have been kept apart has been painful. I miss you Daughter. And if our forced separation is even close, you will be in unimaginable pain from my being gone. My biggest regret will be not getting to watch you grow and shine as bright as I know you can. Your first date, Graduation. If you chose to get married and have kids of your own. Neither of us will get to know each other properly. I am sorry I have stolen that from you. The chance for a different opinion from a parent. Nothing I can do will give that back, and I am so, so sorry.


This world is not for me my love. But the day you were born, it got a whole lot brighter. A purple, screaming poop monster for your mother and I to hold close. In the hospital, I knew your cry. 10 other babies making sounds and crying, but I knew yours instantly. You made me a better person. Want to keep growing and growing to be everything you needed. I am sorry I wasn't strong enough to beat this illness. Please forgive me.


Goodbye Daughter. Mommy loves you.

You wrote defiantly smart for your own good. I think you mean definitely.

 

[Wreck-it-Riley]

I am the child's biological father. I knew i was trans at 16. And yes, she knew too. I spent the next 10 years playing my part. but when the urges came up or dysphoria was too much, i would "Crossdress" (With her out of the house of course, she hated seeing me in anything not OVERLY masculine. I had a spot in the shared closet for dresses and my own makeup kit. Her denial was calling it crossdressing. NOW when people undress me they have a small surprise, but i chose my sexual partners carefully and they all know before hand. The surprise is how cute it is! and the friend outing me was never spoken to again.

As a trans woman, if im wearing panties you would never tell i wasn't born this way. Trans men can do the same. it is pretty easy to be what we call "Stealth".

If you actually read the letter, it says it is from her mommy. and i have been a woman since she was a year old. she has no memory of having a man in her life.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Why is she in therapy at such an early age? It's a very sad situation for this child.

 

[Wreck-it-Riley]

I Well first her mother took her away from me, for 4 months i didn't see hide nor hair of her. Then i got sick, and started hallucinating and getting a mass of the worst BPD symptoms ever. suicide attempt, 2 weeks in hospital, had to live with estranged father who just got out of prison, he tried to kill me and i ended up moving in with my ex wife and her extremely JW parents. With very bad mental illness, and all the stress of having an ex live in the living room, shit got heavy. they forced me to be the one to try and put her to bed every night because i was the only one who weighed less than the 400LB bed weight limit. but she hadnt seen me in months and me trying to lock her in a dark room didn't go over well, there where very unnecessary spankings and horrible fights among the house. Except for me, she was basically ignored, or yelled at to go away or not do things. i know its a horrible life over there for her. and at least my ex knows it too and got her in therapy.

And now she has a dead parent to deal with. but it will be better than a in and out mom she calls by her first name. Not once in my life has she called me mom, ex and family train her not to.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I am the child's biological father. I knew i was trans at 16. And yes, she knew too. I spent the next 10 years playing my part. but when the urges came up or dysphoria was too much, i would "Crossdress" (With her out of the house of course, she hated seeing me in anything not OVERLY masculine. I had a spot in the shared closet for dresses and my own makeup kit. Her denial was calling it crossdressing. NOW when people undress me they have a small surprise, but i chose my sexual partners carefully and they all know before hand. The surprise is how cute it is! and the friend outing me was never spoken to again.

As a trans woman, if im wearing panties you would never tell i wasn't born this way. Trans men can do the same. it is pretty easy to be what we call "Stealth".

If you actually read the letter, it says it is from her mommy. and i have been a woman since she was a year old. she has no memory of having a man in her life.

Yes I read your letter. It was very sweet.

I Well first her mother took her away from me, for 4 months i didn't see hide nor hair of her. Then i got sick, and started hallucinating and getting a mass of the worst BPD symptoms ever. suicide attempt, 2 weeks in hospital, had to live with estranged father who just got out of prison, he tried to kill me and i ended up moving in with my ex wife and her extremely JW parents. With very bad mental illness, and all the stress of having an ex live in the living room, shit got heavy. they forced me to be the one to try and put her to bed every night because i was the only one who weighed less than the 400LB bed weight limit. but she hadnt seen me in months and me trying to lock her in a dark room didn't go over well, there where very unnecessary spankings and horrible fights among the house. Except for me, she was basically ignored, or yelled at to go away or not do things. i know its a horrible life over there for her. and at least my ex knows it too and got her in therapy.

And now she has a dead parent to deal with. but it will be better than a in and out mom she calls by her first name. Not once in my life has she called me mom, ex and family train her not to.

This is such a heart breaking situation for both you and your daughter and in so sorry to hear about all the pain you're going through. And your poor daughter who is being brainwashed. Breaks my heart. I wish you and your daughter peace. Even her other mother so she can take care of your daughter and not scar her even more. All the prayers I the world go out to you and your family.

 

[Emily123]

I would not killed myself if I had a kid because I had responsbility about her/him . but if you really want to do it , it is better to not wite a letter . it will be a nightmare for your kid . Make it easier for her to forget about you

 

[Wreck-it-Riley]

I would not killed myself if I had a kid because I had responsbility about her/him . but if you really want to do it , it is better to not wite a letter . it will be a nightmare for your kid . Make it easier for her to forget about you

Why would i want her to forget about me? not having a parent is a nightmare, not knowing why or where they went makes it 1000 times worse. IF she wants to hate me to make herself feel better, that's fine. but she can do it knowing i loved her til the day i died. If she walked into my house right now, id dump a bottle of n out if i had it. i have SN, but ill dump that too. Nothing else in my life matters but her. and i will never see her again.

As a child in foster-care, i wanted to know why i couldn't see my mom. i wanted answers and nobody gave them to me. i became a horrible kid holding on to those questions and the anger. Everyone here who has lost a parent has said they wish they got a letter, or maybe 2. every kid i lived with wanted to talk tot heir parents even just days after being put in the hospital by that parent. Kids can handle death, even suicide. its parents who don't want to put the effort in to teach them who avoid it or just say "God needed her" or some bullshit. I wont stand for that religious nonsense of a man in the sky needing a devout wiccan among his angels.

She deserves to be treated like a person. and explained the situation honestly.

 

[Emily123]

Why would i want her to forget about me? not having a parent is a nightmare, not knowing why or where they went makes it 1000 times worse. IF she wants to hate me to make herself feel better, that's fine. but she can do it knowing i loved her til the day i died. If she walked into my house right now, id dump a bottle of n out if i had it. i have SN, but ill dump that too. Nothing else in my life matters but her. and i will never see her again.

As a child in foster-care, i wanted to know why i couldn't see my mom. i wanted answers and nobody gave them to me. i became a horrible kid holding on to those questions and the anger. Everyone here who has lost a parent has said they wish they got a letter, or maybe 2. every kid i lived with wanted to talk tot heir parents even just days after being put in the hospital by that parent. Kids can handle death, even suicide. its parents who don't want to put the effort in to teach them who avoid it or just say "God needed her" or some bullshit. I wont stand for that religious nonsense of a man in the sky needing a devout wiccan among his angels.

She deserves to be treated like a person. and explained the situation honestly.

I couldn't stop crying when I was reading you comment . Somehow it reminded me of my childhood . My dad died when I was a teenager and I can not still remove the memory of his death from my mind . It is very nice if yo write to her that you loved her but she will be angry of you if she knows that you killed yourelf . It is good if you leave a good memory of youself for her . it make it easier for her to accept the reality of your death . I you want to do it . it is my suggestion . Just write a letter or record a video and expain how much you love her but don't say anything about your death (it does not help her if she knows that you killed youself ) . If I had only one person in my life that loved me , I wouldn't killed myself even if I looked like monester for botched plastic surgeries . I don't even have that one person .

 

[k75]

Your letter is very touching. I can tell how much you love your daughter, and it's something I'm sure she'll treasure. I'm glad you went that route, rather than trying to describe the specifics of your misery and why you have to do what you will. The way you were responding, I was afraid that was your plan.

(By the way, I spotted a few errors. Defiantly instead of definitely, fluorescent is misspelled, and you used prey instead of pray.)

 

[Wreck-it-Riley]

Your letter is very touching. I can tell how much you love your daughter, and it's something I'm sure she'll treasure. I'm glad you went that route, rather than trying to describe the specifics of your misery and why you have to do what you will. The way you were responding, I was afraid that was your plan.

(By the way, I spotted a few errors. Defiantly instead of definitely, fluorescent is misspelled, and you used prey instead of pray.)

I hand wrote it for her, with the errors in it i guess. I actually typed it up to email it to people to make sure she gets it. Her mother is a terrible person and will probably rip it up. I am emailing both letters to her aunt who doesn't know me, her mother, and their neighbor. The neighbor is probably the one i trust most. when they kicked me out for being trans he was furious and hug a rainbow flag off the front of their house.

The big thing is, i KNOW she will lie. change the words, take parts out she doesn't like.

The second letter is half done now. i deleted 3 pages of it because i changed my mind. Initially i wanted a heavy detailed, graphic description of traumas. but i lived with the bitch for 12 years, she knows. i think it will be 2 pages tops. few more days of fixes and soon ill be ready to go on an intellectual front.

 

[Hunter100]

Can I ask why if they were beating her you or no one called the police? AND you locked her in a dark room when she was made to go to bed? Jesus Christ I hope I'm reading your previous post wrong.
That poor kid.

 

[AnnaJaspers]

Why does your letter say "I loved you more than life itself?" Obviously, 1. if that were true you would stick around for her and 2. it's a contradiction to say you loved life when you want to kill yourself.

She's better off forgetting about you if possible.

 

[Wreck-it-Riley]

Can I ask why if they were beating her you or no one called the police? AND you locked her in a dark room when she was made to go to bed? Jesus Christ I hope I'm reading your previous post wrong.
That poor kid.

I spanked her, never beat my child. you are super off. nobody has ever hit anyone. I just had always said i would never use a spanking on my kid. but it wasnt like her father was spanking her. she was super confused as to who i was, but everyone else was too lazy to to do it.

And locking her in a dark room is not really locking her in a dark room. I don't know if you have kids, but when they need to go to bed sometimes you need to make them stay in bed. And that can mean closing the door and letting them cry it out. if we didn't she would never sleep, and we went to a parenting class to make sure that was the right thing to do. Sit in a room at midnight after working all day with a child who doesn't respect you and ask them to lay down and go to sleep. see how well that works without having to close the door and walk away. She has an amazing room with a princess canopy bed and a ton of twinkle lights. it wasn't really dark ether.

Why does your letter say "I loved you more than life itself?" Obviously, 1. if that were true you would stick around for her and 2. it's a contradiction to say you loved life when you want to kill yourself.

She's better off forgetting about you if possible.

Thats not "Obviously true" I love her more than i love life is actually a very low bar. considering i hate life. This is a letter to a 5 year old. Its a way to express i love her a lot without using "a lot" 600 times. I love her more than sticking my hand in a blender. Do i now love sticking my hand in a blender? Does loving My child somehow invalidate my hate for life?

And why should she forget about me? How would that help her later down the road wondering why she only has one parent and where the other one went?

 

[Deltrus]

Can't believe people are nitpicking and looking for logic holes in a thread like this. That letter came from the heart and that is what matters. It was how she truly felt.

Do what you have to do to die without regrets. That is what I want to do, follow my heart so I stay true to myself. If I die with strong regrets and have things left unresolved I feel like that would echo in eternity, as a tension, a desire never able to be fufilled.

 

[Hunter100]

I spanked her, never beat my child. you are super off. nobody has ever hit anyone. I just had always said i would never use a spanking on my kid. but it wasnt like her father was spanking her. she was super confused as to who i was, but everyone else was too lazy to to do it.

And locking her in a dark room is not really locking her in a dark room. I don't know if you have kids, but when they need to go to bed sometimes you need to make them stay in bed. And that can mean closing the door and letting them cry it out. if we didn't she would never sleep, and we went to a parenting class to make sure that was the right thing to do. Sit in a room at midnight after working all day with a child who doesn't respect you and ask them to lay down and go to sleep. see how well that works without having to close the door and walk away. She has an amazing room with a princess canopy bed and a ton of twinkle lights. it wasn't really dark ether.

Thats not "Obviously true" I love her more than i love life is actually a very low bar. considering i hate life. This is a letter to a 5 year old. Its a way to express i love her a lot without using "a lot" 600 times. I love her more than sticking my hand in a blender. Do i now love sticking my hand in a blender? Does loving My child somehow invalidate my hate for life?

And why should she forget about me? How would that help her later down the road wondering why she only has one parent and where the other one went?

No I am absolutely a parent. And your post before said "me trying to lock her in a dark room didn't go over well, there where very unnecessary spankings and horrible fights"

That's were I got that idea. I would never lock my child who was OBVIOUSLY under the age of 5 and it sounds like much younger at the point you lived there, in a dark room to try and make them sleep! No wonder the poor baby has a therapist. Holy shit. You also said there were a lot of spankings that were unnecessary.
Ok, well why didn't you call the police? Why have you not called child welfare? I would be doing everything imaginable to get my child out of a abusive situation. Not CTB because I give up because I feel like there is no hope. She didn't ask to be in this world. yOU brought her here and are fine with leaving her in a shit environment. I'm sorry but that is fucked.

 

[Deltrus]

@Hunter100 OP is going to ctb tonight, I think it is also pretty fucked up that you are trying to shame her and guilt her in her final moments. If she had perfect mental health and was a model parent she wouldn't be in this situation to begin. Obviously this is all very hard for her. She loves her child so much, that means her suffering must be extreme for her suffering to outweigh her love for her child.

Some people just aren't strong enough to uphold their responsibilities.

If she phoned the police or child welfare they probably wouldn't listen since they might think it was for revenge since she lost custody.

 

[Hunter100]

@Hunter100 OP is going to ctb tonight, I think it is also pretty fucked up that you are trying to shame her and guilt her in her final moments. If she had perfect mental health and was a model parent she wouldn't be in this situation to begin. Obviously this is all very hard for her. She loves her child so much, that means her suffering must be extreme for her suffering to outweigh her love for her child.

Some people just aren't strong enough to do what is right.

If she phoned the police or child welfare they probably wouldn't listen since they might think it was for revenge since she lost custody.

No ones shaming. To tell you the truth I don't care either way. What I DO care about is a innocent child who is in harms way by someone own admissions. If you're ok with that then to each their own. Everyone has the right to live their life and when you post publicly then you open yourself up to people who will call you out on fucked up shit. Sorry that the welfare of a child is more important to me.