Venting Sappy rant about difficult times and love

[リンさん]

I'm not really in a good headspace these days, thanks to my health and the way my female body functions around certain times of the months. Things feel overwhelming. My sensory issues worsened. I'm so easily irritated and could blow up with anger or sadness at almost any given moment.

Just today I've already cried so many times, and wished someone could be there for me. Someone who could do the dishes just this one day, because everything is too much and I'm gonna cry if I have to feel the water again. Someone who could talk to me without being judgmental. Someone who could cuddle me and tell me that it will all pass, and soon I'll be okay again.

I find myself yearning so much nearly every day. I want to love, even if there's none in return. I want to give. To care for someone so deeply. To feel it just once, even if I never will again. To say that I loved.

Because it's already so easy for me to "love" someone on a surface level. Come up with a perfect little lie, where everything is tailored to my preferences, and nothing can ever go wrong. I guess this is the reason why having crushes is so exhilarating. But when I truly get to know someone, is when this lie starts to collapse. They're not, in fact, a perfect person. They're… kinda not even that good? Self indulgence is fun, but a fantasy can stay one only for so long, right?

And I don't understand if it's my fault as a person for not being able to love "real" people, or if I just wasn't lucky enough to meet *the one*. I know I've been loved before, and by a really nice human. She was so open, so kind, empathetic, everything I could ever want in a partner. She was willing to do nearly everything, if only I asked her to.

But I still couldn't love her. I don't know why. I had a crush on her initially, sure. It just never evolved into anything bigger. I started seeing her as someone annoying. I didn't want her to compliment me anymore, since it got old and repetitive. I hated the way her voice sounded. I stopped looking at her photos. I found myself googling over and over again if it's normal to not feel anything towards your partner (lol).

We both gave it our best shot and parted on good terms. Even though I still feel immense guilt, because she truly deserves better.

This relationship did neither of us good, and left me questioning my capacity for true love. Can I do what she did for me? Am I too messed up, too critical, too jealous to ever love someone so openly? I hope not.

I fail to picture myself being in love, because I have never experienced it. I loved things, not people. I loved memories, places, words that have been said to me. Not people.

Maybe one day, this will change. Someone will come into my life and turn my entire world upside down, in a good sense.

But for now, I wanna give out as much as I can. Be as kind as I can, even if it's shallow and addressed to strangers who don't even know me. I don't care. I have so much love and a desire to share it, and this is an outlet which is good enough.

Vent over. I don't actually believe anyone will read it till the end, but if you did - thank you! I appreciate it a lot.

 

[backtoearth]

I am sending so much love to you - I can't usually read long posts (adhd) but this really related to me. Have you ever considered that you might be aromantic? I had the same sort of confusion and feelings before I figured it out and literally googled the same thing at one point!

I have so much love to give but it's not romantic love, I find it so hard to put into words. Accepting this though has opened my mind to lots of different relationships and a different kind of future though, accepting that it is okay that I don't have the same capacity for that one type of love as other do made me less angry and frustrated with myself. It also made the way I acted in previous relationships make so much more sense.

It makes my heart warm seeing that there are still others that just want to be kind and loving, this is my one goal in life. I hope you start to feel a bit better soon, these moments don't last forever, I just want to give you a hug. Kind people like you shouldn't have to suffer <3

 

[リンさん]

I am sending so much love to you - I can't usually read long posts (adhd) but this really related to me. Have you ever considered that you might be aromantic? I had the same sort of confusion and feelings before I figured it out and literally googled the same thing at one point!

I have so much love to give but it's not romantic love, I find it so hard to put into words. Accepting this though has opened my mind to lots of different relationships and a different kind of future though, accepting that it is okay that I don't have the same capacity for that one type of love as other do made me less angry and frustrated with myself. It also made the way I acted in previous relationships make so much more sense.

It makes my heart warm seeing that there are still others that just want to be kind and loving, this is my one goal in life. I hope you start to feel a bit better soon, these moments don't last forever, I just want to give you a hug. Kind people like you shouldn't have to suffer <3

Thank you so much for such a kind and special reply. I appreciate it a lot!

I've known about both aromanticism and asexuality (I hope I wrote it correctly) existing, and while I have identified as an asexual person for quite a long time, I don't think I can call myself aro. I still very much like and want romance in my life, maybe a bit too much sometimes lol. I might be misunderstanding the definition though, so feel free to correct me and talk about your own experience. It would be quite devastating for me to never experience romantic love, so I hope it's just me being a bit unlucky and having past trauma.

Nevertheless, you are absolutely correct. Platonic connections are incredible and so important. I'm glad you've come to terms with your identity, and accepted this huge revelation as something integral of your being.

I share your sentiment of being kind and loving to other humans as a life goal. It's so important, especially these days, and especially here.

Thank you so much once again <3