Running as a metaphor for mental illness

[symphony]

I'm constantly told (by peers and professionals) that I'm so strong and resilient. Even if I report intent to CTB eventually, surely I can't really mean that because I'm not dead yet despite (supposedly) being so intensely suicidal - just more evidence of my strength and desire to live deep down. Clearly I'm capable of surviving a single day, right? I do it all the time without fail. So I just have to keep doing that, and problem solved!

I've been struggling to come up with a good way to communicate why this doesn't work, and I think I've finally got it. So, here goes.

A reasonably-fit person can probably run a few miles, most days a week without problem, but he might struggle to run a single marathon. A trained endurance runner could handle a marathon, but ask him to run the same marathon every day and eventually he'll be faltering too. See, my suffering is like a marathon. The act of surviving takes constant effort, a constant fight against my every instinct screaming at me to stop running and rest. But there's no rest. And the next day, I get to do it all over again. And the day after, and the day after that, and so on. No one can go on like that indefinitely - not even the strongest, most determined endurance athlete. Sure, I may be able to wait some months before I CTB, but by no way does that mean I can wait decades until I meet a natural death. Just because someone can run 6 consecutive marathons doesn't mean they can run 720.

I'm thinking I might try to pull that one on my therapist next time she appeals to my "strength".

 

[lili]

The last time I spoke with my psychiatrist they said the same thing. I was trying to tell my psychiatrist I was suicidal so could get my prescription meds back, and a lot of the times they used language such as "see you can recognize and stop yourself or "see how emotionally intelligent you are by not doing it"

This was in reference to them saying I tried to jump off a building but didn't do it because I thought that maybe I would get paralytic or fail if I jumped from 5 stories. And trust me after so many failed attempts don't want to risk messing that one up.

It's almost that the psychiatrist didn't believe I would do it or I wasn't as bad as I would say. I really hate that sort of language.

 

[symphony]

Just because someone can run 6 consecutive marathons doesn't mean they can run 720.

I want to clarify how I came up with these numbers. This isn't some arbitrary scale. 1 month = 1 marathon here. 6 months is around when I currently plan to CTB, hence 6 marathons. 720 months is 60 years - which I could reasonably expect to live if I waited for a natural death, hence 720 consecutive marathons. One is clearly far more attainable than the other.

 

[Crazy4u]

nothing encourages me to ctb more than hearing some of the stuff you wrote about being strong and resilient. it feels like the other person doesn't listen. It doesn't work.

 

[demuic]

Even if I report intent to CTB eventually, surely I can't really mean that because I'm not dead yet despite (supposedly) being so intensely suicidal - just more evidence of my strength and desire to live deep down. Clearly I'm capable of surviving a single day, right? I do it all the time without fail. So I just have to keep doing that, and problem solved!

It's essentially just another way of saying you don't "actually" want to kill yourself if you haven't done it yet.

You've described things quite aptly.

The human body is essentially a biological machine, encoded with millions of years of evolution dedicated to ensuring the survival of the organism at all costs. You will keep going even if you don't want to because suicide is going against that millions of years of evolution that both the body and the brain will rebel against. It's not a matter of an individual's strength anymore than committing suicide is a matter of an individual's weakness.

They most likely say this to try and make someone feel better, but it doesn't work for a lot of people.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

I don't have anything really to add. Your metaphor of a runner is flawless.

I'm constantly told (by peers and professionals) that I'm so strong and resilient. Even if I report intent to CTB eventually, surely I can't really mean that because I'm not dead yet despite (supposedly) being so intensely suicidal - just more evidence of my strength and desire to live deep down. Clearly I'm capable of surviving a single day, right? I do it all the time without fail. So I just have to keep doing that, and problem solved!

I've experienced this as well. I can't tell if they're trying to convince me or themselves. I feel like they either try to not understand what we communicate on purpose. Its weird, I can't figure it out.

 

[FuneralCry]

Thanks for sharing, it makes a lot of sense what you have written. It is cruel to expect people to suffer against their wishes for decades. Others will never be able to understand what we are going through as they are not living our lives. To me, the thought of having to live this life until I die of old age is so terrifying, I could never stay alive for that long.