Roadblocks in recovery

[ToniFoxGirl!!]

Hi

Couple weeks ago I made the decision to try and overcome my CTB urges and have a better life and it's been going well! I've been drinking less, haven't SH'd in months, reconnected with my music I'm making, found more people for my band, got a job, life is going good.

But I haven't rediscovered my social butterfly self. Before my ex dumped me, I was incredibly extroverted, I was wonderful at conversations, I was great at meeting people, and overall just thrived in a social setting. This is my first outing since trying to turn my life around, and it's a trans nite party, and I hate being here. I got drunk again, like in a bad way, for the first time in a while, and then hid in my car and cried. And now I feel like the progress I made wasn't real and idk if I'm actually making progress or if I'm gaslighting myself.

This is self indulgent post, I'm just fucking sad.

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

Hi OP, I caught your post a little late. How are you doing now?

From what you shared I catch that you feel that you've made a lot of progress lately, but the current situation has you questioning if progress was really made.

I want to say that I think it's a big win that you're making steps to enjoy your art and be more social.

You also mentioned you haven't been drinking as much lately, perhaps that's an aspect of the intensity of the current feels.

 

[ToniFoxGirl!!]

Hi OP, I caught your post a little late. How are you doing now?

From what you shared I catch that you feel that you've made a lot of progress lately, but the current situation has you questioning if progress was really made.

I want to say that I think it's a big win that you're making steps to enjoy your art and be more social.

You also mentioned you haven't been drinking as much lately, perhaps that's an aspect of the intensity of the current feels.

Hi friend. I'm doing okay. I am hiding in my car rn to avoid people. I got drunk and it didn't help. I came with people I'm dating or otherwise in some kind of relationship with, and my bandmates are here, but I just can't. I think I'm gonna skip next time. I don't think this space is a good one for me. I don't think I belong here. I have an ex who shows up here and they SA'd my one friend, and were pretty toxic to me, so seeing them triggers me bad. I also had some pretty sad thoughts about my ex. I didn't text her thankfully, but I just don't know. Thank you for reading and responding.

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

It sounds like there's a lot going on. It makes total sense it's a lot to process - particularly after drinking. I think you made a solid choice to hide. I invite you to thank yourself for taking care of yourself how you need. That's not always easy to do.

Setting boundaries is super hard, but it seems like you're identifying how you can do that in the future.

 

[ToniFoxGirl!!]

It sounds like there's a lot going on. It makes total sense it's a lot to process - particularly after drinking. I think you made a solid choice to hide. I invite you to thank yourself for taking care of yourself how you need. That's not always easy to do.

Setting boundaries is super hard, but it seems like you're identifying how you can do that in the future.

Thank you. It's hard to feel like this is a win when I'm sliding back into bad thoughts and habits :(

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

Thank you. It's hard to feel like this is a win when I'm sliding back into bad thoughts and habits :(

That makes sense. In my personal experience in my recovery it sometimes feels like all efforts to improve slide away at times. I try to look at it like a spiral, rather than an ideal steady upward development.

Sometimes returning to old habits (like hiding - I also do this) feels like failure, but sometimes it's what we need to take care of ourselves. It doesn't actually take away advancement and it won't always feel as rough.

I hope your day today is a little better.

 

[ToniFoxGirl!!]

That makes sense. In my personal experience in my recovery it sometimes feels like all efforts to improve slide away at times. I try to look at it like a spiral, rather than an ideal steady upward development.

Sometimes returning to old habits (like hiding - I also do this) feels like failure, but sometimes it's what we need to take care of ourselves. It doesn't actually take away advancement and it won't always feel as rough.

I hope your day today is a little better.

Thanks for being nice. I'm a lot more dysphoric today than yesterday, I have a strong urge to just like, throw away my life and disappear somewhere far away.

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

Thanks for being nice. I'm a lot more dysphoric today than yesterday, I have a strong urge to just like, throw away my life and disappear somewhere far away.

For sure! I'm sorry you're going through a rough spot. From what you shared the situation sounded stressful - with the various complexities of the people around.

When you talk about disappearing, I'm reading it as moving, rather than a one-way bus ride. (Correct me if I'm wrong.) In my life I've upped and moved many times. Sometimes it's really helpful. It's a nice pressure valve to just to think about, too.

 

[ToniFoxGirl!!]

For sure! I'm sorry you're going through a rough spot. From what you shared the situation sounded stressful - with the various complexities of the people around.

When you talk about disappearing, I'm reading it as moving, rather than a one-way bus ride. (Correct me if I'm wrong.) In my life I've upped and moved many times. Sometimes it's really helpful. It's a nice pressure valve to just to think about, too.

I kinda mean moving. Like I have this kinda weird fantasy about just moving out west and either dying homeless on the streets or just making it however I could. It's a silly fantasy, but it feels like a good option sometimes. Ended up relapsing on SH, and it sucks cause it didn't make me feel better like I thought it would.