Ritual Abuse

[tiredplant777]

Hey so I've been here on and off. Whatever. For years and years and I was targeted by a man who was a perpetrator of satanic ritual abuse. I've personally come to realize that my experience was very unusual in that I was not born or trafficked into the abuse. I was targeted as someone outside of that, I don't know why he did that. I did avoid trafficking, as it's often really tied into that stuff, and I was never kidnapped either. He had to do things to me in ways that made it really hard for other people to believe me. He totally succeeded in that. You guys I just feel fucked up and I don't know if I will ever be ok or be able to manage life at all. I just feel like I'm already dead and lifeless anyway. I barely have feelings that are good, and I just feel like my life is pointless, like there's just no more life left in me and I'm just living for the sake of it. It sucks too because satanic ritual abuse is something that is considered a conspiracy theory and especially right now there's just a lot of like Qanon bullshit stuff out there that makes people think it's not real. So that makes it worse in that I experienced stuff just a lot of people wouldn't believe. I am just tried and look this is gonna be very negative but holy shit after surviving and getting away from that abuser people were not fucking nice to me, specifically people I was close to. I think I would have been okay if I had never met those people. I won't commit suicide now for my family, my family are not abusive and they don't deserve to lose a kid. What happened to me is not their fault at all. I just don't know how to exist in this world and I don't want to have to. I always feel this pressure to not feel pain and to not talk about what I went through because other people can't fucking handle it. I'm just tired and angry and I flat out don't know why I am still alive. When I was dealing it I did such a good job of surviving, and I thought there was be something worthwhile at the end of surviving, but I don't know, it just feels like I survived but also I didn't, and even if I did, a lot of people hurt me after going through that. I'm just so angry.

 

[subj]

Hey so I've been here on and off. Whatever. For years and years and I was targeted by a man who was a perpetrator of satanic ritual abuse. I've personally come to realize that my experience was very unusual in that I was not born or trafficked into the abuse. I was targeted as someone outside of that, I don't know why he did that. I did avoid trafficking, as it's often really tied into that stuff, and I was never kidnapped either. He had to do things to me in ways that made it really hard for other people to believe me. He totally succeeded in that. You guys I just feel fucked up and I don't know if I will ever be ok or be able to manage life at all. I just feel like I'm already dead and lifeless anyway. I barely have feelings that are good, and I just feel like my life is pointless, like there's just no more life left in me and I'm just living for the sake of it. It sucks too because satanic ritual abuse is something that is considered a conspiracy theory and especially right now there's just a lot of like Qanon bullshit stuff out there that makes people think it's not real. So that makes it worse in that I experienced stuff just a lot of people wouldn't believe. I am just tried and look this is gonna be very negative but holy shit after surviving and getting away from that abuser people were not fucking nice to me, specifically people I was close to. I think I would have been okay if I had never met those people. I won't commit suicide now for my family, my family are not abusive and they don't deserve to lose a kid. What happened to me is not their fault at all. I just don't know how to exist in this world and I don't want to have to. I always feel this pressure to not feel pain and to not talk about what I went through because other people can't fucking handle it. I'm just tired and angry and I flat out don't know why I am still alive. When I was dealing it I did such a good job of surviving, and I thought there was be something worthwhile at the end of surviving, but I don't know, it just feels like I survived but also I didn't, and even if I did, a lot of people hurt me after going through that. I'm just so angry.

Horrible was it sexual? how old were u?

 

[little helpers]

not sure how far it went (you don't have to explain) but I like Svali's blog/writings a lot. maybe it'll help you. the one I've read is It's Not Impossible - Healing from Ritual Abuse and Mind Control.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you had to go through. No one should have to go through anything like that. I understand the feelings of living for the sake of living, that is how I feel every day and it can be so hopeless and depressing. I understand that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[tiredplant777]

not sure how far it went (you don't have to explain) but I like Svali's blog/writings a lot. maybe it'll help you. the one I've read is It's Not Impossible - Healing from Ritual Abuse and Mind Control.

thank you so much. I will check out the writings. I think I struggle the most with the isolation at this point.

 

[little helpers]

thank you so much. I will check out the writings. I think I struggle the most with the isolation at this point.

on a side note, Svali herself/themselves talks about a "true Christianity" (uh, I'm kinda fed up with this) approach to healing sometimes. I either ignore it or interpret it figuratively instead of literally when these things pop up. basically I think it's about securing a sense of safety and finding connection. you don't need to buy into the approach itself. I suppose religion stuff can be triggering for RAMC survivors. pretty informative otherwise.