RIP @Griffith_NPD; My Love/Hate Relationship with SS.

[exiled]

Griffith_NPD passed away yesterday, as we saw in his goodbye thread. I had reached out to him on Discord a few weeks ago and just wanted to get to know him. I found out he was eighteen years old, and with me being twenty seven, I wanted to tread carefully. I did not want to come across as predatory and I didn't feel like it was appropriate for me to interact with him on a deep level. I just wanted to play it safe. However, I tried very hard to be of support to him and be a listening ear when he needed it. I know this is about to sound pro-life, but please don't shame me for this. It sounded like things could have gotten better for him and I wanted to encourage him to try and find another way. I am on SS, I of course am not against suicide. I don't ever want to come across as trying to force someone to live this painful existence. But there was something about him that I felt like he should've waited. I know that isn't my place to say - I am fully aware. It was just a feeling that came over me.

He video called me on Discord after he took the SN and I witnessed his final moments before he passed away. I am overcome with guilt. I feel like he felt that I was ignoring him or was not committed to helping him. I was very responsive and trying to be a friend to him until I found out he was just eighteen years old. My replies got a lot more straight forward, but I wanted to make sure I still showed support. Part of me feels like I was just another support system that failed him.

I am not trying to give myself some type of importance in this at all. I barely knew him and I know that I did not make or break his decision to end his life.

I am just posting here because I am very devastated. I wish he stayed. It breaks my heart. I have such a hard time with SS because I WANT people to understand ME when I feel suicidal. I want people to tell me it is okay to let go. It is very, very hard for me to say that to others. It's very hard to not try and do everything I can to stop it. I want to admit I tried calling 911, but they could't do anything because I had very little information. That felt so disgustingly pro-life of me and I am ashamed that I did, but I would've been more ashamed if I didn't. I don't know anymore.

SS has been so supportive and such a safe place for me to be real with my thoughts. And I don't believe the right to die should be taken away from us. I don't believe that suicide is selfish or that there should be stricter access. I hope I don't get a ton of hate for this. I just... am really having a hard time right now.

I am being brought back to my childhood best friend that died and was a member here. I think about that, and I think about Griffith_NPD, and it makes me so angry. It makes me hate this place for a moment. I get angry.

But I am reminded how much this site has helped people be free. Relieved them. Supported them. Even helped them so that they do decide to stay. And not judged them when they decided it was their time to go.

All that to say, please do not take this as me being pro-life. I am just hurting, and grieving, and confused. And traumatized. I witnessed another person's final minutes before they passed away, and I hope my emotions being all over the place is understandable.

My heart is very grateful for SS, but right now, I just FEEL angry. Please don't get mad at me; I know that I am the one being selfish right now. I just need a hug.

 

[carac]

I'm in a similar position to yourself but I don't know if the person ctb, I just suspect they have. What you are feeling is perfectly natural, you have nothing to apologise for. You have some bad stuff now you just need to work through on top of what you already have, just don't let it get to you too much (easy to say) they wouldn't want it for you.

 

[exiled]

I'm in a similar position to yourself but I don't know if the person ctb, I just suspect they have. What you are feeling is perfectly natural, you have nothing to apologise for. You have some bad stuff now you just need to work through on top of what you already have, just don't let it get to you too much (easy to say) they wouldn't want it for you.

Thank you. Your response means a lot to me.

 

[enough of this]

Griffith_NPD passed away yesterday, as we saw in his goodbye thread. I had reached out to him on Discord a few weeks ago and just wanted to get to know him. I found out he was eighteen years old, and with me being twenty seven, I wanted to tread carefully. I did not want to come across as predatory and I didn't feel like it was appropriate for me to interact with him on a deep level. I just wanted to play it safe. However, I tried very hard to be of support to him and be a listening ear when he needed it. I know this is about to sound pro-life, but please don't shame me for this. It sounded like things could have gotten better for him and I wanted to encourage him to try and find another way. I am on SS, I of course am not against suicide. I don't ever want to come across as trying to force someone to live this painful existence. But there was something about him that I felt like he should've waited. I know that isn't my place to say - I am fully aware. It was just a feeling that came over me.

He video called me on Discord after he took the SN and I witnessed his final moments before he passed away. I am overcome with guilt. I feel like he felt that I was ignoring him or was not committed to helping him. I was very responsive and trying to be a friend to him until I found out he was just eighteen years old. My replies got a lot more straight forward, but I wanted to make sure I still showed support. Part of me feels like I was just another support system that failed him.

I am not trying to give myself some type of importance in this at all. I barely knew him and I know that I did not make or break his decision to end his life.

I am just posting here because I am very devastated. I wish he stayed. It breaks my heart. I have such a hard time with SS because I WANT people to understand ME when I feel suicidal. I want people to tell me it is okay to let go. It is very, very hard for me to say that to others. It's very hard to not try and do everything I can to stop it. I want to admit I tried calling 911, but they could't do anything because I had very little information. That felt so disgustingly pro-life of me and I am ashamed that I did, but I would've been more ashamed if I didn't. I don't know anymore.

SS has been so supportive and such a safe place for me to be real with my thoughts. And I don't believe the right to die should be taken away from us. I don't believe that suicide is selfish or that there should be stricter access. I hope I don't get a ton of hate for this. I just... am really having a hard time right now.

I am being brought back to my childhood best friend that died and was a member here. I think about that, and I think about Griffith_NPD, and it makes me so angry. It makes me hate this place for a moment. I get angry.

But I am reminded how much this site has helped people be free. Relieved them. Supported them. Even helped them so that they do decide to stay. And not judged them when they decided it was their time to go.

All that to say, please do not take this as me being pro-life. I am just hurting, and grieving, and confused. And traumatized. I witnessed another person's final minutes before they passed away, and I hope my emotions being all over the place is understandable.

My heart is very grateful for SS, but right now, I just FEEL angry. Please don't get mad at me; I know that I am the one being selfish right now. I just need a hug.

I can't imagine anyone being angry toward you about anything. Your support of Griffith_NPD was very kind and compassionate of you. I appreciate you so much for that. A big hug to you.

 

[Unattainable666]

I also befriended someone no SS who ctb. I was devastated. He was a grown man and had his demons - when someone is determined to take their life all you can do is be there for them, which is exactly what you did. I am sure they appreciated you for doing that for them. No one wants to be alone. Please try not to be so hard on yourself

 

[hershberger]

During my first months on SS, I started talking to someone who was apparently on the verge of CTB. I was offline for a day or two, only to come back and find a cryptic message from her. I thought she was gone.

I panicked: wrote her, wrote another person she knew...nothing. At this point, I'm sobbing because even though I'm clearly on a pro-choice site (and am pro-choice myself), the reality of actually losing someone was far different. I soon learned she didn't CTB.

My point to @401kind is that I can still feel the sheer panic of those hours even though my experience was a fraction of a fraction of a percent of yours. Please know that being here isn't easy for any of us; not for those who CTB or those who deal with the loss of a forum member or even for those of us who lurk. As much as is possible, try to focus on the fact that you supported a person who did not have enough love from the world. Your concern was - and is - a blessing. All your emotions are valid. Take time to process them in the best way you can.

 

[Unattainable666]

During my first months on SS, I started talking to someone who was apparently on the verge of CTB. I was offline for a day or two, only to come back and find a cryptic message from her. I thought she was gone.

I panicked: wrote her, wrote another person she knew...nothing. At this point, I'm sobbing because even though I'm clearly on a pro-choice site (and am pro-choice myself), the reality of actually losing someone was far different. I soon learned she didn't CTB.

My point to @401kind is that I can still feel the sheer panic of those hours even though my experience was a fraction of a fraction of a percent of yours. Please know that being here isn't easy for any of us; not for those who CTB or those who deal with the loss of a forum member or even for those of us who lurk. As much as is possible, try to focus on the fact that you supported a person who did not have enough love from the world. Your concern was - and is - a blessing. All your emotions are valid. Take time to process them in the best way you can.

 

[corgiee]

RIP Griffith. I can imagine how that could be really traumatizing to you.

 

[dyingslowly]

I also befriended someone no SS who ctb. I was devastated. He was a grown man and had his demons - when someone is determined to take their life all you can do is be there for them, which is exactly what you did. I am sure they appreciated you for doing that for them. No one wants to be alone. Please try not to be so hard on yourself

Perfectly true, like I am now determined to take my life, nothing can stop it,
no matter how hard stopping force is things have already gone out of hand a long time ago. Now it would be best if people can forgive me.

 

[Unattainable666]

Perfectly true, like I am now determined to take my life, nothing can stop it,
no matter how hard stopping force is things have already gone out of hand a long time ago. Now it would be best if people can forgive me.

I'm so sorry for the pain that you have endured and the pain you're in. there are so many beautiful people on this site who have been abused. You are in my thoughts.

 

[FormerlyFe(IV)]

I think there's a valuable difference being pro-life and just being-pro choice, as well as what that means here.

I am not one to incentivize people to CTB for the most part. I can try talking about my ups and downs and try to empathize. What's bad here are new users that come in and say "don't do it" with useless platitudes.

You did your best. You were supportive and a friend and those mean the most. Yes you weren't perfect and called 911 but you are also human. Let yourself grieve. And also remember that it's what they wanted

Best wishes, and hugs

 

[Huggs]

I'm sorry. I only briefly talked to Griffith but seeing his goodbye thread was very sad for me. He seemed like a lovely human being.
Thank you for supporting him as best as you were able to. You were there. I'm sure this meant a lot to him. I can tell from everything you wrote that you are thoughtful, kind and loving. Please try to be gentle with yourself.
I also want to say that you have every right to feel the way you do. Many people that frequent this site have chronic conditions, life situations and suffering that spans many many years and has no true chance of finding resolution, that is the case for me, and passing is the most humane thing for them, which is why I consider myself pro choice, but for many others, with resources, time and support their quality of life and condition could drastically improve and suffering could be reduced to a bearable amount. It's hard to say what he was going through, what his situation was, he was very young and it could really be that he would have gotten better, so your anger is justified. He's no longer suffering, but at the same time there is nothing wonderful about this loss. It's horrible that everything came to this. He will be very missed.

 

[hellispink]

It must have been a horrible and difficult experience for you. I am sorry you went through so much aside from what you are already facing. Do know you tried your best, and you gave him company love support and understanding and I am sure we went up to the skies feeling at peace knowing someone actually cared for him and was there until the last breath. That is a big sign of love. You do not need to know a person for long or in person, if they are valuable and you are too giving each other company is fine. I know you feel guilty, it's understandable but do know its a personal choice. What matters is, he is at peace now.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

You sound like you're angry at life, not SaSu, for putting so many of us in this conflicted and confusing position.

Seems natural to me... I wouldn't criticise anyone for being torn between different emotions. At least you have the ability to recognise some of your thought processes, which not everyone can.

 

[TAW122]

This must be a really hard ordeal for you and I'm sorry to hear about the pain from losing someone, it certainly does take a toll on a subconscious level. Anyways, after reading the part about how you called emergency services on someone, this brought up some mixed feelings and I just had to give my response. I find it inconsistent with how you would be supportive of being pro-choice yet do something that is against choice (calling a third party to intervene against another's wishes). I'm probably going to get some backlash for this, but I'll try to frame it as politely as possible. I'm going to try to see things from Griffith's POV as well as yours, albeit it may be more difficult given how I'm such a logical person and someone who is on the spectrum.

If I was Griffith himself and I've learned that someone has intervened against my wishes in such a way that resulted in my failure and having to face the aftermath of failure and it's repercussions, I'd be in a worse situation than before. The last thing on my mind would be gratitude, far from it. I would not only feel betrayed, but lose what little trust I had, I may even attempt again (depending on the circumstances what I have access to), and if I didn't, I may become someone I don't want to (which is not good). A good analogy would be to think about the cornered animal that has no escape from suffering, what will the cornered animal do? (Rhetorical question by the way).

On the flipside, I can somewhat understand that you may be in the heat of the moment and instinctively you've decided to call emergency services (the moment where your subconscious instinct to intervene kicked in). I'm not a psychologist nor psychology expert here, but I would infer that you had a moment of lack of clarity in the sense that you may be impaired by your emotions that logic and everything else went out the window and due to a mixture of emotions and being stunned with uncertainty, you went with instincts, mostly the preservation instinct (which is partially indoctrinated in almost all humans in civilized society) to act. So in that regard, I can somewhat empathize a bit with the heat of the moment. Also, I'm glad that after what has happened, you are able to recognize your actions and it's effects on the situation.

Again, I'm sorry that you are feeling the aftermath of loss and I hope you will find peace somehow. This is just response to your story and I do appreciate your thoughtfulness and ability to recognize your actions and why you did what you did. I hope my response did not feel like an attack, but rather my take on how I feel about the situation, both from being the pro-choicer who wished to die and also the person who was a listening ear. Just for the record, I've been in sentience for more than 30 years and I know (even in most criteria) what I am choosing and that when my time comes, I certainly would not wish anyone to intervene against my wishes, let alone be the cause for my failing. I just know worse consequences for me (and perhaps even for others) may arise should that ever become a reality.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

This must be a really hard ordeal for you and I'm sorry to hear about the pain from losing someone, it certainly does take a toll on a subconscious level. Anyways, after reading the part about how you called emergency services on someone, this brought up some mixed feelings and I just had to give my response. I find it inconsistent with how you would be supportive of being pro-choice yet do something that is against choice (calling a third party to intervene against another's wishes). I'm probably going to get some backlash for this, but I'll try to frame it as politely as possible. I'm going to try to see things from Griffith's POV as well as yours, albeit it may be more difficult given how I'm such a logical person and someone who is on the spectrum.

If I was Griffith himself and I've learned that someone has intervened against my wishes in such a way that resulted in my failure and having to face the aftermath of failure and it's repercussions, I'd be in a worse situation than before. The last thing on my mind would be gratitude, far from it. I would not only feel betrayed, but lose what little trust I had, I may even attempt again (depending on the circumstances what I have access to), and if I didn't, I may become someone I don't want to (which is not good). A good analogy would be to think about the cornered animal that has no escape from suffering, what will the cornered animal do? (Rhetorical question by the way).

On the flipside, I can somewhat understand that you may be in the heat of the moment and instinctively you've decided to call emergency services (the moment where your subconscious instinct to intervene kicked in). I'm not a psychologist nor psychology expert here, but I would infer that you had a moment of lack of clarity in the sense that you may be impaired by your emotions that logic and everything else went out the window and due to a mixture of emotions and being stunned with uncertainty, you went with instincts, mostly the preservation instinct (which is partially indoctrinated in almost all humans in civilized society) to act. So in that regard, I can somewhat empathize a bit with the heat of the moment. Also, I'm glad that after what has happened, you are able to recognize your actions and it's effects on the situation.

Again, I'm sorry that you are feeling the aftermath of loss and I hope you will find peace somehow. This is just response to your story and I do appreciate your thoughtfulness and ability to recognize your actions and why you did what you did. I hope my response did not feel like an attack, but rather my take on how I feel about the situation, both from being the pro-choicer who wished to die and also the person who was a listening ear. Just for the record, I've been in sentience for more than 30 years and I know (even in most criteria) what I am choosing and that when my time comes, I certainly would not wish anyone to intervene against my wishes, let alone be the cause for my failing. I just know worse consequences for me (and perhaps even for others) may arise should that ever become a reality.

If you want to guarantee that nobody intervenes in your attempt, then you need to take measures to ensure that end.

I'm not criticising anyone involved here, because we are all human and we are all flawed individuals in one way or another.

Doing a ctb livestream with someone you know cares about your welfare, is going to bring some inherent risks that their instincts kick in and they act on their emotions in the moment. I can understand why people do it, don't get me wrong, but it is certainly not without some risks.

 

[NoHorizon]

Your story is heartbreaking, thank you for opening up and sharing it. While I never spoke to him, I'm glad Griffith had such a compassionate person there with him during his final moments. Be kind to yourself at this time, it must be devastating.

 

[J&L383]

Griffith_NPD passed away yesterday, as we saw in his goodbye thread. I had reached out to him on Discord a few weeks ago and just wanted to get to know him. I found out he was eighteen years old, and with me being twenty seven, I wanted to tread carefully. I did not want to come across as predatory and I didn't feel like it was appropriate for me to interact with him on a deep level. I just wanted to play it safe. However, I tried very hard to be of support to him and be a listening ear when he needed it. I know this is about to sound pro-life, but please don't shame me for this. It sounded like things could have gotten better for him and I wanted to encourage him to try and find another way. I am on SS, I of course am not against suicide. I don't ever want to come across as trying to force someone to live this painful existence. But there was something about him that I felt like he should've waited. I know that isn't my place to say - I am fully aware. It was just a feeling that came over me.

He video called me on Discord after he took the SN and I witnessed his final moments before he passed away. I am overcome with guilt. I feel like he felt that I was ignoring him or was not committed to helping him. I was very responsive and trying to be a friend to him until I found out he was just eighteen years old. My replies got a lot more straight forward, but I wanted to make sure I still showed support. Part of me feels like I was just another support system that failed him.

I am not trying to give myself some type of importance in this at all. I barely knew him and I know that I did not make or break his decision to end his life.

I am just posting here because I am very devastated. I wish he stayed. It breaks my heart. I have such a hard time with SS because I WANT people to understand ME when I feel suicidal. I want people to tell me it is okay to let go. It is very, very hard for me to say that to others. It's very hard to not try and do everything I can to stop it. I want to admit I tried calling 911, but they could't do anything because I had very little information. That felt so disgustingly pro-life of me and I am ashamed that I did, but I would've been more ashamed if I didn't. I don't know anymore.

SS has been so supportive and such a safe place for me to be real with my thoughts. And I don't believe the right to die should be taken away from us. I don't believe that suicide is selfish or that there should be stricter access. I hope I don't get a ton of hate for this. I just... am really having a hard time right now.

I am being brought back to my childhood best friend that died and was a member here. I think about that, and I think about Griffith_NPD, and it makes me so angry. It makes me hate this place for a moment. I get angry.

But I am reminded how much this site has helped people be free. Relieved them. Supported them. Even helped them so that they do decide to stay. And not judged them when they decided it was their time to go.

All that to say, please do not take this as me being pro-life. I am just hurting, and grieving, and confused. And traumatized. I witnessed another person's final minutes before they passed away, and I hope my emotions being all over the place is understandable.

My heart is very grateful for SS, but right now, I just FEEL angry. Please don't get mad at me; I know that I am the one being selfish right now. I just need a hug.

Please grieve and feel all you can and need to. You have experienced something that most of us never will. Sharing your experience has made a difference for me, and I'm hugging you now. Thank you.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

This is rather heartbreaking. As sad as it is to lose Griffith, I'm sure he was thankful to have someone like you there to support. Can't say much more than that because others have already said it so well.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

If you want to guarantee that nobody intervenes in your attempt, then you need to take measures to ensure that end.

I'm not criticising anyone involved here, because we are all human and we are all flawed individuals in one way or another.

Doing a ctb livestream with someone you know cares about your welfare, is going to bring some inherent risks that their instincts kick in and they act on their emotions in the moment. I can understand why people do it, don't get me wrong, but it is certainly not without some risks.

I agree, it's a massive risk to take when someone is watching you take your final breaths, SI might overpower their mind to let you carry out your ctb method as you planned. Its understandable why people do it as said.

I just hope Griffith_NPD didn't have a hard time with SN considering it's variety of experiences documented by users.

 

[irie]

please don't apologise for anything, it's natural to want to support someone like that in this position, and it's always very difficult to witness their passing if you knew each other. a friend i made on here ctb'd and i was devastated, even knowing it was perfectly within their right to leave behind the torture they'd endured. i wished things were different, i wished i could have done something, but at the end of the day i am ultimately pro-choice and can only hope now that they're flying high peacefully in a world far better than this one.

i guess my point is, it's okay to let yourself feel bad when things like this happen. i can only imagine how traumatizing it was witnessing that, and if you ever need anything, my PMs are open (though i'm bad with responses sometimes, i'm more than happy to listen.) rest in peace to griffith, and thank you for being there for him, it may not feel like it but i'm sure he really did appreciate you extending your hand. be kind to yourself, you've done no wrong.

 

[cemetorium]

It's completely normal to feel like you do. I haven't gotten close with anyone I've met on this site, but I lost a friend to suicide and later found out she herself was on this site and used SN as her method. Losing her was one of the most horrific things I've gone through, and yet I'm still suicidal and planning to CTB myself.

It shouldn't be seen as odd or "pro-life" to want people to have agency over their own life, while simultaneously being upset or grieving when someone does die via suicide.
I think some users on here are in denial of the fact that someone you know committing suicide is often traumatic to the people who knew them, and in your case it sounds like being on discord with him in his final moments just added to that. Rest in peace.

 

[TAW122]

If you want to guarantee that nobody intervenes in your attempt, then you need to take measures to ensure that end.

I'm not criticising anyone involved here, because we are all human and we are all flawed individuals in one way or another.

Doing a ctb livestream with someone you know cares about your welfare, is going to bring some inherent risks that their instincts kick in and they act on their emotions in the moment. I can understand why people do it, don't get me wrong, but it is certainly not without some risks.

Oh, I certainly will do everything I can to guarantee that NOBODY (not family, friends, not even people that I consider pro-choice because of unintended change of mind or other things) intervenes when the time comes that I CTB. The risk is just too great and I know I may have said this in the past, that the road to CTB is indeed a solitary one, and I do mean it both literally and figuratively. Sure, there are people who may trust each other (hence the partners megathread), but to me, it's a solitary road for me, I come into the world alone and I leave it alone.

I also understand yes, we are all flawed in one way or another, even to the time of actual CTB, and of course, due to that, I simply cannot afford the repercussions of failure so when I go end up CTB'ing in the future, I will do all I can to make sure I succeed and leave no room for error or intervention.

Yes, the preservation instinct is strong and that is why for both the listener/supporter's sake and for the person leaving this world, it is better for them to not witness nor have knowledge of it. This way, they aren't troubled nor have their instincts kick in to try to 'intervene' while under a state of wild emotions and such.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

It's completely normal to feel like you do. I haven't gotten close with anyone I've met on this site, but I lost a friend to suicide and later found out she herself was on this site and used SN as her method. Losing her was one of the most horrific things I've gone through, and yet I'm still suicidal and planning to CTB myself.

It shouldn't be seen as odd or "pro-life" to want people to have agency over their own life, while simultaneously being upset or grieving when someone does die via suicide.
I think some users on here are in denial of the fact that someone you know committing suicide is often traumatic to the people who knew them, and in your case it sounds like being on discord with him in his final moments just added to that. Rest in peace.

It must be a lot to deal with, losing a friend and then on top of that, knowing that they were here and used SN to ctb. It's one of the more truly heartbreaking parts about being on this forum.

It's perfectly justified to be traumatic over losing someone you know from here, even if they are exercising their own agency.

 

[exiled]

I just want to thank everyone for your supportive comments and for giving me grace for how I reacted. It really means a lot to me. It's been really hard to absorb. I do want to clarify I did not see him actually take his last breath, but he had taken SN about 10 minutes prior to calling me, and he was fading out. I just hate that he was eighteen, but it isn't my place. I was suicidal at eighteen too. It's just a cruel existence man...

 

[Stuckinpast28]

There is nothing to be ashamed of, what you are feeling is the normal process of grief. Same thing as wanting to call 911 that was the stage of bargaining, you tried to find a way to get him to stay, there is nothing wrong with what you tried to do, it's just a normal reaction to that kind of situation. I firmly believe that deep down no one wants to truly die., it's just that we become tired of being in pain and having our feeling discarded.

 

[ihatethisplanet]

I imagine it was traumatic to go through this. You forged a small bond and it's hard to cope with the knowledge that they're gone and you won't speak to them again. Be gentle with yourself.

As for the forum, it saddens me that a huge number of people here are incredibly young. Suicidal thoughts didn't truly hit me hard until my early 40s. I just wish the young people on here could enjoy their youth without carrying such a heavy load. This world is incredibly cruel.

 

[FindingHome]

I am happy that Griffith NPD is now at peace! May his soul rest!

 

[bluebus]

Wow. There isn't much I can say here that hasn't already been said, and I know that I'm going to sound repetitive.
Please go easy on yourself. You just witnessed and experienced a very traumatizing event. It was traumatizing for many just watching the thread in his final moments. I can't imagine how it must feel like to have been the one he called during his final moments. And I can't imagine having to witness that. I am a so sorry that you had to go through that. It must feel like such a heavy load/ responsibility, on top of everything else you are dealing with already. I really hope you don't have any guilt/ negative feelings towards yourself. You did everything you could to be supportive, kind, and compassionate. Someone like you is what he needed in his final days. Still all of what you're feeling is normal, and you shouldn't feel ashamed. Please please take it easy (much easier said than done, I know) and take care of yourself please.
If you ever need to talk please don't hesitate to reach out
Hoping things get better soon,
bb

 

[mono]

It's not selfish of you to say that you're upset about this, it's normal to feel so confused and all over the place when you lose someone close to you. It's a traumatizing thing to see someone's final moments but I feel like you handled it in a way most would in your position. Your in pain and that's ok. We don't want to lose those we care about despite knowing it's not our choice. Your a good person for caring about your friend. I know that you'll be able to get through this, and I hope that whoever you have in your life you can tell them about this so they can help you just as you helped Griffith_NPD :) please take it easy on yourself and don't blame yourself for anything