Ridicuous delays...

[TiredHorse]

I find myself looking too far ahead to events or dates that should mean nothing, wondering if I should delay my departure.

November 11th is Armistice, a day for seeking peace --wouldn't that be a more symbolic day than today?
November 15th my dearest friend will be in town with time to meet for coffee --oughtn't I delay and see her?
Novemer 27th is the anniversary of my last peaceful day with my beloved --wouldn't that be a fitting day of departure?
December 3rd is when I will inherit a piece of art that I have covetted since I was five years old --oughtn't I wait until I have acquired that treasured memento?
December 18th will be the 24th anniversary of when my beloved and I first made love --would that not be worth recognizing?
December 21st is the Dark Solstice, here in the north --would it not be fitting to depart in that darkest moment, seeking new lightness?

Silly, silly delays. Pointless and painful delays. Delays of fear and of false and empty hope. Delays in search of meaning, laughable and trite in the face of a day when I will seek no more meaning at all. Delays as my beloved grows ever more pregnant with the child of another man --a child she has intimated she intends to name after me.

Survival instinct, that damnable hindrance that screams at me over the hissing of the nitrogen tube, also whispers as I sit waiting to open the valve.

 

[52shriek]

Oh, I worry about things like that too. But if you ever feel silly, think of me: I'm actually genuinely worried about what's going to happen to my Sims on Sims mobile* if I ctb. That's right.

*(They can't die in the mobile version of the game so the thought of them wandering aimlessly in their house with nobody interacting with them is highly upsetting to me. Pathetic much?)

 

[TheLastTrip]

I feel your pain horsey. I did the same when wanting to end a relationship and that ended up blowing up in my face because I end up melting down and ending it on New Years Eve because I had delayed so much and in the end she just pushed too many buttons that night (she treated me like dirt if that helps).

I do the same with ending it, not quite to the degree you have in the post, but I am using Christmas as a delay tactic. When you're ready you'll know, you'll reach a level of peace with the choice and dates or external excuses won't matter.

Peace out horsey tired guy.

 

[TiredHorse]

I'm actually genuinely worried about what's going to happen to my Sims on Sims mobile* if I ctb.

Oh yes, I know that sort of silliness very, very well. I had no friends until I was about 15, but I had several stuffed animals that I got when I was a toddler. I still have them, though they live in a box --I'd bring them out now, but I can't bear for them to see me as I have become. Anyway, I'm worried what will happen to them when I ctb.

I think part of our problem is that we feel too much, even during the times when we can feel nothing at all.

As I described it to my mother a couple days ago, the entire world is screaming at me, a thousand, thousand chaotic shrieks, and there's no way to turn the volume down --but I can't hear what any of those voices is saying. She got kinda quiet, and I think she's starting to understand. I don't think that'll make her feel any better when I ctb, but at least she might understand.

When you're ready you'll know, you'll reach a level of peace with the choice and dates or external excuses won't matter.

That's certainly what I'm hoping, TLT. Peace be upon you, too.

 

[52shriek]

Oh yes, I know that sort of silliness very, very well. I had no friends until I was about 15, but I had several stuffed animals that I got when I was a toddler. I still have them, though they live in a box --I'd bring them out now, but I can't bear for them to see me as I have become. Anyway, I'm worried what will happen to them when I ctb.

I think part of our problem is that we feel too much, even during the times when we can feel nothing at all.

As I described it to my mother a couple days ago, the entire world is screaming at me, a thousand, thousand chaotic shrieks, and there's no way to turn the volume down --but I can't hear what any of those voices is saying. She got kinda quiet, and I think she's starting to understand. I don't think that'll make her feel any better when I ctb, but at least she might understand.

That's certainly what I'm hoping, TLT. Peace be upon you, too.

OMG you quoted my other biggest worry... My stuffed animals! I almost brought them up in my first reply but thought "nah, let's just mention the Sims..."

 

[TheLastTrip]

That's certainly what I'm hoping, TLT. Peace be upon you, too.

Thank you. Soon bud, soon. I find my carefully planned delayed ctb falling apart day by day so my plans are getting sooner and sooner.