Retroactively Suicidal

[anonperson]

Has anyone else realized that they literally bonded with a satanic mind control programming device instead of with their mother? Thereby not ever experiencing the love, nurturing, interaction, play and encouragement they would have experienced, but instead received a programmed and stunted mind and no ability to form meaningful and fulfilling relationships and bonds? My entire social, cognitive, creative, and emotional development was stunted as soon as I was born. I feel like a 1 month old baby in a 30 year old body. I spent my whole life subconsciously waiting for my mother to bond with me and play with me, while consciously I became completely dissociated and apathetic and I forgot my soul's true desires due to the programming. By the time I could speak all I wanted was whatever desires the TV had programmed into me. By the time I was in my early 20s i thought i wanted a girlfriend, but I had never even had a childhood, so all my attempts at having a girlfriend were just me wanting to have sex all day (due to corruption of porn) like a baby wanting to bond with his mother all day. I had no life, no hobbies, no goals, no discipline, no routine - all taken by the TV. When I took mushrooms in my late 20s I realized my whole life had already gone completely wrong and I'd been completely off of my divine path since I was born. What's the point of living if you are 100% certain your life and development went completely wrong since the beginning? And as a result you became a selfish and corrupted person who is full of anger and bitterness at your wasted potential? I literally spent the majority of my 20s doing nothing all day. Just nothing. Just a baby waiting for his mom to play with him, meanwhile the whole time she was living a very full and productive life with lots of friends, businesses, and vacations - all while I sat alone watching TV, sitting on my computer, and stuffing myself with food. It makes no sense. I didn't go through any stages of social development at all. I never formed any lasting friendships, and no bonds with my parents at all. I can't imagine being a parent and so completely ignoring my child's development. How did they not notice? The worst part is my older brother wasn't neglected like this at all (my mother even told me i was an "accident" and that the condom broke, so obviously that shaped the way she treated me). He got piano lessons, he got socialized, she bonded with him (i was sent to grandmother's house, but did not form a bond with her at all). I pray I am the first born next time.

The craziest thing about the mind control, is that I didn't have empathy, or a conscience, or a sense of right and wrong, or a connection to nature, or my own heart and soul. I only started to develop these things after I finally took mushrooms, which made me into a completely different person. I realized my entire personality was all programming, and I immediately was flooded with 26+ years worth of repressed desires, including to be a great musician, but then when my saturn return started all my newly found desires started to be taken away from me - I can't explain it any better than that. I suddenly felt like I was suppose to "grow up" and make money and maybe start a family, but I had only just gotten connected to my soul's desires that had been hidden since I was a baby. I had never even developed. Then I retroactively became suicidal about all the time I had wasted (my entire life up until then) and the sins I had committed, even though at the time of committing them I didn't even believe in sin. In my case, I am primarily suicidal due to everything I have mentioned, but also a 10 month relationship I had with an adulteress woman who was 20 years older than me, had a teenage son, and was legally married (although physically separated). At the time I thought I was having a divine experience, but I realized that I was actually having a satanic experience, and was bonding with her, and sleeping with her, as if she was my mother, although I did not consciously realize it at the time. I was unknowingly experiencing the sinful pleasure of adultery and incest, as if it was divine. As if it was the primal bonding experience that I had been waiting for since i was a baby. Now my ability to form bonds and friendships is even worse than it already was. There was constant psychological abuse and attacks and unfounded accusations, and sleepless nights. I realize now she was projecting the guilt and shame she felt onto me, and my own development was so stunted I didn't even understand that I was doing something wrong and so against my own soul's desire for harmony and innocence and to live within God's laws. Even though I was in my 20s, I feel that it affected me psychologically as if it happened while i was a very young child. It perverted my mind and body and left a very deep imprint on me that haunts me daily. Can anyone relate? Has anyone become retroactively suicidal? Also, how many of you are suicidal due to sins such as adultery or the like and feeling a need to purify one's soul?

 

[Anónimo]

Sorry you are going through this, man

 

[Red Scare]

a 10 month relationship I had with an adulteress woman who was 20 years older than me, had a teenage son, and was legally married (although physically separated). At the time I thought I was having a divine experience, but I realized that I was actually having a satanic experience, and was bonding with her, and sleeping with her, as if she was my mother, although I did not consciously realize it at the time. I was unknowingly experiencing the sinful pleasure of adultery and incest, as if it was divine. As if it was the primal bonding experience that I had been waiting for since i was a baby.

Freud and Jung would be chomping at the bit, to explain this.

Jung I believe would say it was simple transference. This woman literally became like your mother, and your own desire to be accepted by your birth mother turned into an affair with an older women who treated you like your mother. Your desire to please and be accepted by these women speaks to your relationship with a greater archetype. You have hidden this within your shadow, and it spills over.

Freud would say you became like a child again, you lived out every sick Oedipal desire that you had, which would have been impossible of course with your real mother. You allowed yourself to relive that debasement and humiliation because it is what you have known, to you, that is being mothered, and you are in the end just a boy who wants his mommy.

I wouldn't trust to psychoanalysis though, in 100 years the field has not progressed beyond such rudimentary and juvenile guessing games.

I don't think you are doing yourself any favors with all this god talk. You're not a sinner, you don't need to live any god's laws. You're just a human being, and human beings are complicated, messy. No one is promised an easy go of it. You're in the right pace though, here among the wretched. We're all in the same boat here, doesn't matter how you got here.

 

[anonperson]

I don't think you are doing yourself any favors with all this god talk. Your not a sinner, you don't need to live any god's laws.

I did not believe in God or sin or Divine Law at all until I started taking mushrooms. It just came to me spontaneously deep in my heart and soul, completely removed from any religion. I did not grow up believing in anything spiritual at all - no religion or church or anything...which is why this experience happened. If I had received spiritual instruction, or started deprogramming myself with mushrooms sooner, there's an extremely good chance this wouldn't have occurred. I suppose I can't expect anyone to relate to my experience. It is extremely unique probably, but I don't think it's a stretch to see that many times adulterous affairs end in suicides and murders, so there's obviously a connection to that and the way I feel.

The Law Code of Manu says this about adultery: (8.364 - Patrick Olivelle edition)

When men violate the wives of others, the king should disfigure their bodies with punishments that inspire terror and then execute them. For such violations give rise to the mixing of social classes among the people, creating deviation from the Law that tears out the very root and leads to the destruction of everything.

When a woman, arrogant because of the eminence of her relatives and her own feminine qualities, becomes unfaithful to her husband, the king should have her devoured by dogs in a public square frequented by many. He should have the male offender burnt upon a heated iron bed; they should stack logs and burn up that villain there.

(11.107)

A man who has had sex with an elder's wife should proclaim his crime and lie down on a heated iron bed, or embrace a red hot metal cylinder, he is purified by death. Or, he may cut off his penis and testicles by himself, hold them in his cupped hands, and walk straight towards the southwest until he drops down dead. Or, he may perform the Prajapatya penance (The twice-born, who is performing the Prājāpatya, shall eat in the morning for three days, then in the evening for three days, then for three days food got unasked, and for the next three days he shall not eat) for one year with a collected mind, carrying bed post, dressed in tree bark, wearing long beard, and living in a desolate forest. Or, he may perform the lunar penance for three months, keeping his organs under control and subsisting on sacrifical food or barley gruel, so as to remove the sin of sleeping with an elder's wife.

My soul craves innocence and purity. I can see clearly how innocent I was before that happened (although also completely stunted sadly), and how I've lacked that innocence ever since. Although prolonged fasting has helped remove some of the guilt and shame, I still feel that my mind and body are irrevocably perverted and corrupted by the experience I had. I just feel tainted...it's not just in my mind, it's literally imprinted onto my body.

There are also many similar sentiments in The Kolbrin, which is a collection of many ancient texts. Here is one from page 147.

It is unlawful for you to defile the wife of another man. If the forbidden be done you shall be branded with fire and iron upon the soles of the feet and upon the backside and the armpits, and upon the mouth and nose, and shall be cast out from among us, unless bearing arms in war.

And of course, there are many more in the Bible as well.

Whether or not you believe in the Divine Law (which is universal and not tied to any particular religion), it does exist, and we are all bound by it. Unfortunately, at this particular time in history, we are living under a veil of ignorance. Sin such as adultery leads to misery, for the people involved and also the children whose parents become corrupted and lose the sacredness of their familial bonds, and their proper duties and roles as parents. Adultery (and the porn that leads to a lot of it most likely) is one of the biggest things destroying our society today. That's why it used to be punished so severely - to prevent it from occurring by instilling fear of punishment. The problem is that once a person has experienced sinful pleasure such as adultery, they are corrupted by it, and more prone to look to experience it again, as marital bonding no longer seems 'thrilling' enough. Just like a child who becomes addicted to artificially super sweet candy and no longer likes the natural sweetness of a strawberry.

One interesting thing about this perspective, is that similar to the Japanese seppuku, suicide may in some cases be a soul's intuitive way of purifiying themselves after having become tainted or corrupted. By performing the ultimate punishment upon ourselves, after having sinned greatly, perhaps we are treated better on the other side than if we hadn't punished ourselves?