Help Resume my life after 4 sick leave month

[derekWest]

After found a mean to ctb (final exit, Humphrey) in October 2024, I was quite crazy and a urge to ctb quickly take over me. I thought ctb in November. But, my desire of ctb was quite variable during the day ! And I wasn't enough confident in the inert gas method.
In December 2024, I take sick leave because I was so angry, anxious...
It seems that I make a kind of burn out (I'm autistic and I take no holiday for 1.5 years).

I took paroxetine 20mg since december. I seek again mean of ctb. I discover SaSu in February.
I was quitescary in the beginning but also very excited and relieve to found a site where we have free speech on this topic.
I choose SN mean actually...

I'm quite relieve to possess the SN. And as my life isn't horrible in objective point of view, I decide to come back to my work, but in part time in April.
I'm still attract by ctb...
.
I think is pertain to keep living at less until 2035. I don't want to bother my workmate, family and friends by fck and stupid death...

How don't get attracted by ctb ? How do feel me good also ?

If there is only me, I go ctb. But I'm not alone...
.
I have no money problem (with or without job), little physical problem, family support, health work environment, near of sea and public services...
That's why, ctb might be quite indecent....

 

[rs929]

I think that if you're not 99% sure you wanna be dead, then it's not your time yet. I believe in rational, self determined suicide, when you lost all hope. I don't believe you're in such situation

But you're always going to have those fantasies. I have them too, all the time. I don't know to what extent they interfer with recovery.

It's like a competition, the version of you who wants to be dead and the version that wants to get better. I don't know how to resolve that dilemma.

Also, it seems that you gotta be aware of your triggers and avoid winding up in a situation where you burn out

 

[derekWest]

It's like a competition, the version of you who wants to be dead and the version that wants to get better. I don't know how to resolve that dilemma.

I thought about ctb for so many years and decades !
And for the first time of my live, I have plenty of solutions to ctb ! Maybe I decompensate ?

 

[rs929]

I thought about ctb for so many years and decades !
And for the first time of my live, I have plenty of solutions to ctb ! Maybe I decompensate ?

Well, dreaming of CTB is one thing. I'd really love to have N in my power and the peace of mind I can exit peacefully. (SN is kind of nasty). But actually DOING it is a completely different beast. And it seems you still have hope in living.
Are you seeing a therapist besides the paroxetine?

 

[derekWest]

i will do a test with only NaCl tomorrow to test my will to ctb

yes, i see a therapist monthly. she's disappointed that i'm interested in ctb again and again.

 

[rs929]

What you can't test is how you're going to react if you drinked real SN and know you're dying. When the SI kicks in, that's the real test. That scares me plenty

 

[derekWest]

yes, i agree... i don't manage to evaluate the power of SI. Maybe i'm naive...