DandiFynalicious
Existence is Pain
- Dec 18, 2023
- 28
TLDR: The system makes me wish I would die but life has hooks in me so I'm trapped for now and this is how I think I can cope.
I live in the USA and work in the healthcare system and every day I watch it get worse. I see people denied medication they need. I see the lack of resources.
Originally I joined the field to make a difference. Surely I could learn to change things from the inside. What a fool. I wish I could quit caring.
There are solutions but the American people as a whole are so stupid and hateful they don't know their own best interests and even if they did, they would rather keep certain people from getting healthcare they don't approve of.
That includes assisted dying but for some reason you can be on the dole and get help with becoming pregnant. Make it make sense. Don't get me started on the Hyde amendment.
Not just the healthcare system, the entire system is trash from the economy to social justice, it's all shit.
If there were a quick, relatively painless exit there would be thousands, maybe millions of people dead in a month.
They say, "mental health!!!" and tell you to reach out. Ok, I did that. Many times. I could keep myself afloat indefinitely this way but it is a constant struggle. There are good times but the struggle goes on forever. I am tired. I wish I could be assisted to die.
But I can't. Because MeNtAl HeAlTh.
I fantasize a lot about exploding. Like actually rigging something up that would make me blow into little pieces. I want chunks of my viscera to rain down and get stuck in trees so there's bits of gore for 100 yards and they find pieces of me for days afterwards.
Since I do not have the skill to do that, I'm thinking of starving myself as a method of self harm and silent protest.
Of course I ate a lot yesterday and had a protein shake this morning and a banana this afternoon so I'm not seriously hungry yet. We will see. I fantasize a lot about eating minimal amounts of veggies and protein until I am a skeleton. I could do it, I have done it before. I am capable of hurting myself very badly that way and egging disordered tendencies into full blown anorexia. Again.
Watch me disappear. I won't die but I will stop caring once I starve enough. The world gets fuzzy when BMI gets low enough. It's easier to deal with bullshit when your brain stops working.
Who cares about getting stronger? I'll use pre workout to fuel grueling runs and bike rides. Let's see how sick I can get.
I live in the USA and work in the healthcare system and every day I watch it get worse. I see people denied medication they need. I see the lack of resources.
Originally I joined the field to make a difference. Surely I could learn to change things from the inside. What a fool. I wish I could quit caring.
There are solutions but the American people as a whole are so stupid and hateful they don't know their own best interests and even if they did, they would rather keep certain people from getting healthcare they don't approve of.
That includes assisted dying but for some reason you can be on the dole and get help with becoming pregnant. Make it make sense. Don't get me started on the Hyde amendment.
Not just the healthcare system, the entire system is trash from the economy to social justice, it's all shit.
If there were a quick, relatively painless exit there would be thousands, maybe millions of people dead in a month.
They say, "mental health!!!" and tell you to reach out. Ok, I did that. Many times. I could keep myself afloat indefinitely this way but it is a constant struggle. There are good times but the struggle goes on forever. I am tired. I wish I could be assisted to die.
But I can't. Because MeNtAl HeAlTh.
I fantasize a lot about exploding. Like actually rigging something up that would make me blow into little pieces. I want chunks of my viscera to rain down and get stuck in trees so there's bits of gore for 100 yards and they find pieces of me for days afterwards.
Since I do not have the skill to do that, I'm thinking of starving myself as a method of self harm and silent protest.
Of course I ate a lot yesterday and had a protein shake this morning and a banana this afternoon so I'm not seriously hungry yet. We will see. I fantasize a lot about eating minimal amounts of veggies and protein until I am a skeleton. I could do it, I have done it before. I am capable of hurting myself very badly that way and egging disordered tendencies into full blown anorexia. Again.
Watch me disappear. I won't die but I will stop caring once I starve enough. The world gets fuzzy when BMI gets low enough. It's easier to deal with bullshit when your brain stops working.
Who cares about getting stronger? I'll use pre workout to fuel grueling runs and bike rides. Let's see how sick I can get.
