zombiegirl
the living dead
- Aug 17, 2023
- 192
aside from the many out-of-my-control reasons for wanting to die, part of it is that i hate having to be responsible. it feels like such a tall order when i have such frequent, intense fluctuations in functioning. i can feel "fine" or even really good for a while and suddenly get severely depressed for months with no end in sight, but i owe it not only to myself but to others around me to keep being productive and push through it. like it's just not socially acceptable to take breaks that long and i get it so i shouldn't complain but i just don't want to deal with this bullshit for 50+ more years especially with how things in the world keep getting worse.
i wish i could sleep forever, that i never had to worry about anything, and that i never had to "try" or "grow up and start being responsible". i can't bring myself to care enough about the "little things" in life or even the periods of intense joy, no matter how much i try to delude myself. it's simply not worth it anymore. the only reason i'm still here is because i love my family, but once they go i'm going with them because there is genuinely zero reason to live in a such a harsh world when all the odds are stacked against you. i don't give enough of a shit to try and overcome those odds and i don't think i even have the neural wiring to be capable of such a thing, even with drugs/therapy
i wanted to live so badly but i just don't see a future where things get better and i think everyone who keeps trying to cling onto the notion that "well you won't know unless you try" "you don't know what tomorrow will bring" -- they're all naive and it's really sad. i was naive
nobody is born wanting to die
nobody asks to be born
but at least in the end we all go to the same place
i wish i could sleep forever, that i never had to worry about anything, and that i never had to "try" or "grow up and start being responsible". i can't bring myself to care enough about the "little things" in life or even the periods of intense joy, no matter how much i try to delude myself. it's simply not worth it anymore. the only reason i'm still here is because i love my family, but once they go i'm going with them because there is genuinely zero reason to live in a such a harsh world when all the odds are stacked against you. i don't give enough of a shit to try and overcome those odds and i don't think i even have the neural wiring to be capable of such a thing, even with drugs/therapy
i wanted to live so badly but i just don't see a future where things get better and i think everyone who keeps trying to cling onto the notion that "well you won't know unless you try" "you don't know what tomorrow will bring" -- they're all naive and it's really sad. i was naive
nobody is born wanting to die
nobody asks to be born
but at least in the end we all go to the same place
