Venting resisting the urge to quit therapy

[hoppybunny]

I have a very defeatist personality. So i basically reject any ideas before I even try it because i'm sure they won't work. So this is hitting very hard in therapy right now. anytime she even suggests anything, i get annoyed and frustrated cause i'm convinced it won't work.

My main issue is that fundamentally, I understand the joys of life and blah blah blah but I have no interest in it. Like life is really just getting drained by everyone and settling for the next best thing cause heaven forbid you actually get what you want in life and then working and working to stay alive and afford the things that will make me happy.

So because of that, despite having goals and wishes they all seem pointless cause I've resigned myself that life sucks and I will kill myself, and trying is pointless. Cause i'll die anyway so why not make it faster. Like i'm just certain that I will hate working and living so now anytime my therapist suggests anything i'm like "yah no that's not working"

tho sometimes she does suggest actually useless shit. Like i legit talked about how i was tired of settling and not getting what I want and she was like "is there anything in your ideal life you'd be willing to compromise on?" like bro i just told you i didn't want to do that!! why would you suggest it??!!

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I don't really have any good advice for this, considering I gave up on therapy myself. I didn't see much point in going after I was told that I would not improve

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

Well, I share your thoughts and quit therapy myself after 1,5 year.

 

[reallysleepy]

I'm really pessimistic too and something that I tell myself is like, I'll try living and etc and if I was right and it doesn't work out I'll kill myself then. Like if I'm not ctbeing now, staying with the idea that I can't be better and I should kill myself is like an in between that doesn't gets me anywhere. So I'll try and if I fail, I'll just do it then and that's it. Worst case scenario, I was right and I ctb without doubting that it's the best option.

In my mind I'm going to kms for sure one day, like I'm not saving up money for when I'm old so tops I get to 60 years old. But I personally have a couple of things I want to try to do before deciding to suicide before that (I'm trans and I want to start hrt, have some surgeries that in the country I live in are free, go back to live by myself and have my own money). So those future plans and trying really fucking hard to find things to enjoy in the present get me going.

I starting thinking like this after a lot of therapy. It's not the healthiest from a prolifer point of view but it's working for me atm and I hope it can give you some ideas at least

 

[Abandoned Character]

Why are you resisting? What is the part of you that hasn't given up saying?

 

[hoppybunny]

I don't really have any good advice for this, considering I gave up on therapy myself. I didn't see much point in going after I was told that I would not improve

Your therapist is a piece of shit omg. I'm so sorry they told you that. I believe everyone can improve with the right help. Unfortunately finding the right help is the hardest part. Sometimes some people are too messed in the head for normal therapy but almost all therapists are trained in regular cbt. So they don't know how to help people like us. Or like antidepressants take too long to kick in or just turn off all your emotions which is fucking annoying.

Well, I share your thoughts and quit therapy myself after 1,5 year.

It be like that. Sorry it didn't help. Everyone asks like therapy fixes everything but that's not the case at all. Fundamentally your mind and situation have to be in a place where you can accept therapy. Like u can't therapy poverty away.


I'm probably gonna ask to switch counselors when I get back from school today. Cause I'm just not feeling her rn. I'm just gonna keep trying new ppl. I've chose a date for cbt so I wanna at least tell God I tried my hardest when I meet them.

I'm really pessimistic too and something that I tell myself is like, I'll try living and etc and if I was right and it doesn't work out I'll kill myself then. Like if I'm not ctbeing now, staying with the idea that I can't be better and I should kill myself is like an in between that doesn't gets me anywhere. So I'll try and if I fail, I'll just do it then and that's it. Worst case scenario, I was right and I ctb without doubting that it's the best option.

In my mind I'm going to kms for sure one day, like I'm not saving up money for when I'm old so tops I get to 60 years old. But I personally have a couple of things I want to try to do before deciding to suicide before that (I'm trans and I want to start hrt, have some surgeries that in the country I live in are free, go back to live by myself and have my own money). So those future plans and trying really fucking hard to find things to enjoy in the present get me going.

I starting thinking like this after a lot of therapy. It's not the healthiest from a prolifer point of view but it's working for me atm and I hope it can give you some ideas at least

Oh I'm happy you can find things you enjoy and want to do.

I actually have a similar plan. Which is why I'm in therapy right now. I plan to CTB in August next year after I graduate if I don't feel any better.
So I'm kinda just trying things out to help myself so that if I do CTB I can face God knowing I tried my best to live.


I have goals and things I wanna work on so I'm mainly going to therapy to find the mental power to actually do them. Cause right now I'm just not in the mood to do anything lol. Like I'm non binary but unfortunately I'm overweight so I can't be as androgynous as I want. But I also can't be masculine cause the fat really be making my boobs and face super round. But dressing up feminine (in the way I like) is too expensive or just doesn't look good on my body (whenever I complain about this ppl tell me to love myself and Dress how I want but like somethings just don't look good on certain shapes.)

So I guess I wanna get the motivation to actually like start. Cause right now if I wanna work our or eat healthier my brain is like "mmm how bout no? I simply don't wanna" and I'm trying to fix that.

I also wanna be a comic artist. And have 1 series published but like I said I lose steam the moment I think about starting.

My brain is just not interested in putting in any effort on hard things. But I want try and live life to the fullest. Even if I don't get better, if I make some progress before next August I'll push my CTB date to 30.


Just like you i do plan to CTB one day but itll probably be if i ever get too old to take care of myself. So like 80 or 90. Good luck on your journey tho. I hope the HRT goes well.

 

[derpyderpins]

Maybe instead of quitting, consider switching therapists? You've hit a wall with her so maybe a new perspective is needed.

 

[hoppybunny]

Why are you resisting? What is the part of you that hasn't given up saying?

I had to really think about this question alot but it really helped me decide not to quit therapy completely.

I will be switching just because I feel like mu current counselor is too focused on me not killing myself in the near future than helping me with my issues.

But my main reason for resisting is fear. I'm scared of dying and scared of going to hell. So I haven't killed myself. My first attempt was when I was 12 but my sis told me I'd go to hell. And that honestly made me worse but now I was too scared to kill myself. She did it again recently too. So I was like bro stop this is thensecond time you're saying it. And she had genuinely forgot about it which sucks.

But yeah I'm trying cause they're things I wanna do and try before I die but I have no motivation to do them which is why I'm in therapy.

Lastly i wanna die knowing I tried my best shot at life. So I don't feel ashamed when I meet God.

Maybe instead of quitting, consider switching therapists? You've hit a wall with her so maybe a new perspective is needed.

Thank you for the advise. That's what I'll be doing. I tend to get scared of switching cause I don't wanna hurt their feelings, but I need to for my sake.

Hopefully they're not all to focused on the CTB part

 

[thenorthern]

I have a very defeatist personality. So i basically reject any ideas before I even try it because i'm sure they won't work. So this is hitting very hard in therapy right now. anytime she even suggests anything, i get annoyed and frustrated cause i'm convinced it won't work.

My main issue is that fundamentally, I understand the joys of life and blah blah blah but I have no interest in it. Like life is really just getting drained by everyone and settling for the next best thing cause heaven forbid you actually get what you want in life and then working and working to stay alive and afford the things that will make me happy.

So because of that, despite having goals and wishes they all seem pointless cause I've resigned myself that life sucks and I will kill myself, and trying is pointless. Cause i'll die anyway so why not make it faster. Like i'm just certain that I will hate working and living so now anytime my therapist suggests anything i'm like "yah no that's not working"

tho sometimes she does suggest actually useless shit. Like i legit talked about how i was tired of settling and not getting what I want and she was like "is there anything in your ideal life you'd be willing to compromise on?" like bro i just told you i didn't want to do that!! why would you suggest it??!!

It is real hard to suggest things for others because I can not imagine what you are going through. I hope you can stick with therapy if it helps even the smallest amount but if it doesn't well I hope we can offer support.

 

[EternalShore]

My main issue is that fundamentally, I understand the joys of life and blah blah blah but I have no interest in it. Like life is really just getting drained by everyone and settling for the next best thing cause heaven forbid you actually get what you want in life and then working and working to stay alive and afford the things that will make me happy.

yeahhh... It's awful~ :( it's like~ you want the easiest thing in the world but nope! :( everyone else can get it but you~ :( like whatever you want, the goal is just out-of-reach~ either that, or I'm just cursed to desire the impossible for myself~ in which case, why shouldn't I finally be able to pass away~?

I'm really sorry about how your therapy is going tho~ :( I feel as tho therapists always seem like they choose every option to help you live and have hope even if if they thought about it with empathy, they'd realize it wouldn't work~ as such, I'd never do it myself, so I can't really advise you either way, but if you're naturally defiant, I don't think you're going to have much luck with it~ :( or if it's just the therapist being dumb, perhaps you can find one which can actually try to help you?

 

[hoppybunny]

It is real hard to suggest things for others because I can not imagine what you are going through. I hope you can stick with therapy if it helps even the smallest amount but if it doesn't well I hope we can offer support.

Thank you for your support :)

 

[thenorthern]

Thank you for your support :)

Always :) if you ever need to talk I am here usually, until of course I ctb. I try to be friendly to everyone

 

[hoppybunny]

yeahhh... It's awful~ :( it's like~ you want the easiest thing in the world but nope! :( everyone else can get it but you~ :( like whatever you want, the goal is just out-of-reach~ either that, or I'm just cursed to desire the impossible for myself~ in which case, why shouldn't I finally be able to pass away~?

I'm really sorry about how your therapy is going tho~ :( I feel as tho therapists always seem like they choose every option to help you live and have hope even if if they thought about it with empathy, they'd realize it wouldn't work~ as such, I'd never do it myself, so I can't really advise you either way, but if you're naturally defiant, I don't think you're going to have much luck with it~ :( or if it's just the therapist being dumb, perhaps you can find one which can actually try to help you?

The first part hit so hard. Like there's a lot of things I want that are genuinely not impossible but I was born in the wrong country and skin so I apparently can't have it. I'll probably be dead before my home country even begins to get their shit together. And the are I live in the US sucks rn. But I can't move cause I don't wanna leave my family


It's definitely cause I'm naturally defiant bur I also think my therapists always focus on me wanting to kill myself than actually solving my problems. I had one therapist I really liked in my old school and she really helped me because she had gone through almost everything I was going through and so she understood my issue. Unfortunately I had to move schools so I can't see her anymore. But she also graduates so our separation was inevitable.

It's so hard finding a therapist that really understands you. Like she helped so.much when I was actively suicidal and hurting myself and she gave me the courage to switch to an easier school instead of killing myself in my old one.

She's the one that truly made me believe I'd be OK if I chose my happiness

 

[EternalShore]

It's definitely cause I'm naturally defiant bur I also think my therapists always focus on me wanting to kill myself than actually solving my problems. I had one therapist I really liked in my old school and she really helped me because she had gone through almost everything I was going through and so she understood my issue. Unfortunately I had to move schools so I can't see her anymore. But she also graduates so our separation was inevitable.

awww~ that's really nice of her! :3 I'm glad she was able to help and understand you like that! :) I wish all therapists were like that~ I hope the new school is going less terribly for you! :D college is the worst for way too many reasons! :( but being in a school that's easier is definitely better than not if you're unable to handle it~ :) even if college is still so annoying regardless! >_<

in that case tho, perhaps you could try to book like online appointments with her or just keep up hope and try to change therapists until you find one like her! ^_^ because if they exist and you've met one like that, then you'll almost certainly be able to find one again! :D

The first part hit so hard. Like there's a lot of things I want that are genuinely not impossible but I was born in the wrong country and skin so I apparently can't have it. I'll probably be dead before my home country even begins to get their shit together. And the are I live in the US sucks rn. But I can't move cause I don't wanna leave my family

I'm sorry it did! >_< I really hope I didn't make you depressed or anything~ I didn't mean to! the reason why I brought it up is that there's like 1 thing I can't change that's led to all my suffering~ and getting around it unfortunately, for all intents and purposes, requires miracles~ :( like if I somehow end up happy at the end of my life, it'd basically be proof God exists~ huh... maybe that's why I have such bad luck~ xD because God's siphoning all my good luck into 2 things~ I wish... :(

 

[hoppybunny]

awww~ that's really nice of her! :3 I'm glad she was able to help and understand you like that! :) I wish all therapists were like that~ I hope the new school is going less terribly for you! :D college is the worst for way too many reasons! :( but being in a school that's easier is definitely better than not if you're unable to handle it~ :) even if college is still so annoying regardless! >_<

This new school is definitely way better, only problem is I take a bus and I miss it sometimes so I regret not choosing another school sometimes lol (the one less than 30 minutes away).

in that case tho, perhaps you could try to book like online appointments with her or just keep up hope and try to change therapists until you find one like her! ^_^ because if they exist and you've met one like that, then you'll almost certainly be able to find one again! :D

Unfortunately I can't do online till I move out. I live with my family and our walls are too thin. Also being in person just feels better. It's awkward online.

I'm sorry it did! >_< I really hope I didn't make you depressed or anything~ I didn't mean to! the reason why I brought it up is that there's like 1 thing I can't change that's led to all my suffering~ and getting around it unfortunately, for all intents and purposes, requires miracles~ :( like if I somehow end up happy at the end of my life, it'd basically be proof God exists~ huh... maybe that's why I have such bad luck~ xD because God's siphoning all my good luck into 2 things~ I wish... :(

Please don't apologize. I was just saying I relate super hard to you, so you're not alone. I forgot some.expressipns aren't taken the same way lol.

Also so sorry your luck has been bad. I do genuinely hope it gets better. I'm not trying to convert you or anything but I'm religious and personally I don't believe God is going out of their way to make anyone suffer so dw. (They also aren't helping me lol so I don't really know how I feel about them).

 

[EternalShore]

This new school is definitely way better, only problem is I take a bus and I miss it sometimes so I regret not choosing another school sometimes lol (the one less than 30 minutes away).

understandable~ >_< taking forever to get there sucks lots too! :( The only bright side is that it gives you time to do homework, since you're on the bus and not driving or walking yourself~ :) I wish I hadn't chosen the further, more expensive school myself too~ :(

Unfortunately I can't do online till I move out. I live with my family and our walls are too thin. Also being in person just feels better. It's awkward online.

oh dear! >_< I'm sorry! :( that sounds awful~ :( and yup! :) I prefer in-person stuff too! :D

Please don't apologize. I was just saying I relate super hard to you, so you're not alone. I forgot some.expressipns aren't taken the same way lol.

Also so sorry your luck has been bad. I do genuinely hope it gets better. I'm not trying to convert you or anything but I'm religious and personally I don't believe God is going out of their way to make anyone suffer so dw. (They also aren't helping me lol so I don't really know how I feel about them).

ahh, that's great~ :) well, if we weren't relating to each other on how awful our lives are~ xDDD sorry that I misunderstood! >_<
yup! ^_^ Me too! :D and yup, same~ >_< that's why I brought up God at all~ xD If I somehow get out of this, it's certain that God is good and merciful~ :D as it stands rn tho! :(((

 

[-nobodyknows-]

Your therapist is a piece of shit omg. I'm so sorry they told you that. I believe everyone can improve with the right help. Unfortunately finding the right help is the hardest part. Sometimes some people are too messed in the head for normal therapy but almost all therapists are trained in regular cbt. So they don't know how to help people like us. Or like antidepressants take too long to kick in or just turn off all your emotions which is fucking annoying.

It'd be one thing if it was just one, but after multiple doctors have told me this I've had to try and make my peace with it

 

[permanently tired]

I feel you so much. I'll try maybe once or twice, but it takes me long periods of time to accomplish anything bc I'm exhausted after one setback. Most of the time I don't accomplish anything. Part of us is probably dead and may possibly not return. Idk when I became so "heartless," but I'm perfectly content with walking into a line of fire and not giving a fuck about the people who care abt me. Guilt holds people back, but I either don't care or I hope certain people suffer emotionally as a form of posthumous vengeance. I think I'm really bitter deep down, but I don't want to acknowledge it sometimes. Sorry Abt the tangent. I'm a rambler lol

 

[hoppybunny]

I feel you so much. I'll try maybe once or twice, but it takes me long periods of time to accomplish anything bc I'm exhausted after one setback. Most of the time I don't accomplish anything. Part of us is probably dead and may possibly not return. Idk when I became so "heartless," but I'm perfectly content with walking into a line of fire and not giving a fuck about the people who care abt me. Guilt holds people back, but I either don't care or I hope certain people suffer emotionally as a form of posthumous vengeance. I think I'm really bitter deep down, but I don't want to acknowledge it sometimes. Sorry Abt the tangent. I'm a rambler lol

Don't apologize. This is an open space for us to vent. And I get what you mean. My bitterness has gone down thankfully but I get what you mean. It's like an anger at the world for not being able to enjoy it like others can