Resisting the urge to ask for help

[melb3mel]

On the 8th of November, I will take a train a few states out and rent a hotel room. I'll sleep, write a note the following morning, and then die either on Wednesday evening or Thursday. I'm somewhat concerned about my sister freaking out and getting police involved, but even then idk how much power they have. But regardless, I'm still really kind of unsure of what's going to happen, and I'm not sure if this is a normal thing to feel. Like, on one hand, it'd be really easy to let myself die. Absolutely nobody in my life knows that I'm doing this. I'm using SN, and assuming the things I've read are accurate, it's just a matter of suppressing the urges for a few minutes and then I pass out and that's it. It sounds easy to do if I'm able to muster the determination. But I still have this really strong urge to tell someone. I want to say this is just the normal human process of trying to defy death, but indulging in that could end in a lot more pain and suffering. I'm hesitating a lot when it comes to donating clothing and books like I'm expecting to come home alive, but I know I'd only live to regret it. There's a lot of conflicting feelings and the date is approaching very fast. I don't really feel like I can back out, and maybe my mind will clear once I reach that point of no return. But I'm still worried. I can very easily see it going both ways, but that's not very reassuring. I've never seriously attempted before, so I have no idea what it will realistically be like to be in that situation, and imagination isn't exactly a reliable substitute.

 

[Rounded Agony]

This sucks and is a hurdle I really see myself struggling with pretty much any way I would choose to go. If I ever make an attempt, I want there to be only one and don't know how I could realistically get to a point of being comfortable with everything beforehand. If I suddenly could have all the req'd things for the SN method (second choice) right in front of me I expect I would freak out a bit even if I was only looking at them.

Honestly, things like this could be signs that we are not ready. If you're already this hesitant about posessions, how do you think you'll feel when it comes time to mix up the drink? There was a post somewhere about doing a "test run" to see where you're at, where you basically do everything in the guide but just use...baking soda or something...instead of SN and see if you can get through it. Might be a good reality check/wake up call.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Ambivalence is normal. People will say if you feel any ambivalence that means you're not ready. I don't think that's necessarily true because I don't think it's realistic to eliminate it completely. It's normal too to want to tell someone and it doesn't necessarily mean you want help. I know we have this forum but it's different with people in our personal lives. I guess you need to seriously reflect on if you have a real chance for a happier life and if it is worth pursuing.

 

[melb3mel]

Ambivalence is normal. People will say if you feel any ambivalence that means you're not ready. I don't think that's necessarily true because I don't think it's realistic to eliminate it completely. It's normal too to want to tell someone and it doesn't necessarily mean you want help. I know we have this forum but it's different with people in our personal lives. I guess you need to seriously reflect on if you have a real chance for a happier life and if it is worth pursuing.

I agree with that. I keep telling myself that I only need to be brave once, and that this will never really get any easier. And I think in a moment of inspiration I could do it. After all, it's a few minutes of discomfort and reflection, and then it's lights out. That should be easy enough to handle. It's really just the before that has me worried. The temptation to call someone to give myself a last chance or just to talk is really strong. I think about my situation and recognize that this is probably the best end I could give myself, I don't feel like there's much of an alternative or that I have a chance at a happier life. I've been stuck on the same problems and have been living the same life for as long as I care to remember, and things are only getting harder. But there's still the inexplicable desire to want to believe that if I get help that things will somehow work out and be okay.

 

[willitpass]

i know a certain degree of anxiety is normal, but i feel like what your describing is indeed a case of not being ready yet. i personally have been sitting on my current plan for about 6 months now because when i think about the act of actually doing it i get extremely anxious. however as i've sat on it i've become much more okay with the idea of it. i knew if i did it when just the thought of it made me scared i would be much more likely to fail and cause myself long term problems then if i waited. i would suggest sitting on it if it brings you that great of anxiety

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I agree with that. I keep telling myself that I only need to be brave once, and that this will never really get any easier. And I think in a moment of inspiration I could do it. After all, it's a few minutes of discomfort and reflection, and then it's lights out. That should be easy enough to handle. It's really just the before that has me worried. The temptation to call someone to give myself a last chance or just to talk is really strong. I think about my situation and recognize that this is probably the best end I could give myself, I don't feel like there's much of an alternative or that I have a chance at a happier life. I've been stuck on the same problems and have been living the same life for as long as I care to remember, and things are only getting harder. But there's still the inexplicable desire to want to believe that if I get help that things will somehow work out and be okay.

That's the downside with a method like SN. There is that time before passing out where you could regret it. With all the purported physical side effects of taking SN, the emotional aspect of waiting to die seems to me to be the biggest challenge. You would definitely need to steel yourself pretty thoroughly beforehand.

At least SN stays potent for a while at least so you could try recovery?

 

[makethepainstop]

On the 8th of November, I will take a train a few states out and rent a hotel room. I'll sleep, write a note the following morning, and then die either on Wednesday evening or Thursday. I'm somewhat concerned about my sister freaking out and getting police involved, but even then idk how much power they have. But regardless, I'm still really kind of unsure of what's going to happen, and I'm not sure if this is a normal thing to feel. Like, on one hand, it'd be really easy to let myself die. Absolutely nobody in my life knows that I'm doing this. I'm using SN, and assuming the things I've read are accurate, it's just a matter of suppressing the urges for a few minutes and then I pass out and that's it. It sounds easy to do if I'm able to muster the determination. But I still have this really strong urge to tell someone. I want to say this is just the normal human process of trying to defy death, but indulging in that could end in a lot more pain and suffering. I'm hesitating a lot when it comes to donating clothing and books like I'm expecting to come home alive, but I know I'd only live to regret it. There's a lot of conflicting feelings and the date is approaching very fast. I don't really feel like I can back out, and maybe my mind will clear once I reach that point of no return. But I'm still worried. I can very easily see it going both ways, but that's not very reassuring. I've never seriously attempted before, so I have no idea what it will realistically be like to be in that situation, and imagination isn't exactly a reliable substitute.

Please do speak, that is what we gather here for. To speak those thoughts that may not be spoken aloud elsewhere. Much love to you my friend.

 

[Hollowillow]

On the 8th of November, I will take a train a few states out and rent a hotel room. I'll sleep, write a note the following morning, and then die either on Wednesday evening or Thursday. I'm somewhat concerned about my sister freaking out and getting police involved, but even then idk how much power they have. But regardless, I'm still really kind of unsure of what's going to happen, and I'm not sure if this is a normal thing to feel. Like, on one hand, it'd be really easy to let myself die. Absolutely nobody in my life knows that I'm doing this. I'm using SN, and assuming the things I've read are accurate, it's just a matter of suppressing the urges for a few minutes and then I pass out and that's it. It sounds easy to do if I'm able to muster the determination. But I still have this really strong urge to tell someone. I want to say this is just the normal human process of trying to defy death, but indulging in that could end in a lot more pain and suffering. I'm hesitating a lot when it comes to donating clothing and books like I'm expecting to come home alive, but I know I'd only live to regret it. There's a lot of conflicting feelings and the date is approaching very fast. I don't really feel like I can back out, and maybe my mind will clear once I reach that point of no return. But I'm still worried. I can very easily see it going both ways, but that's not very reassuring. I've never seriously attempted before, so I have no idea what it will realistically be like to be in that situation, and imagination isn't exactly a reliable substitute.

I wouldn't tell anyone and wouldn't give anything away.

To prevent calling for help I would remember why I'm doing it and I'll abuse I could get in a psych ward.

Can we pass out from Sn alone? How do I need a drug to do it peacefully? I can't get the other stuff. I'm using an anti psychotic instead of the anti puke, I hope it will also replace the anti anxiety. But drugs tend to have the opposite effect on me...

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a difficult situation to be in and it must be tiring what you are going through. But I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.

 

[achromatic]

I wouldn't tell anyone and wouldn't give anything away.

To prevent calling for help I would remember why I'm doing it and I'll abuse I could get in a psych ward.

Can we pass out from Sn alone? How do I need a drug to do it peacefully? I can't get the other stuff. I'm using an anti psychotic instead of the anti puke, I hope it will also replace the anti anxiety. But drugs tend to have the opposite effect on me...

You pass out from hypoxia, which is caused by SN - lethal component - medicines in this case are for preventing vomiting - antiemetics- or for comfort - propranolol and or benzos

 

[outrider567]

I agree with that. I keep telling myself that I only need to be brave once, and that this will never really get any easier. And I think in a moment of inspiration I could do it. After all, it's a few minutes of discomfort and reflection, and then it's lights out. That should be easy enough to handle. It's really just the before that has me worried. The temptation to call someone to give myself a last chance or just to talk is really strong. I think about my situation and recognize that this is probably the best end I could give myself, I don't feel like there's much of an alternative or that I have a chance at a happier life. I've been stuck on the same problems and have been living the same life for as long as I care to remember, and things are only getting harder. But there's still the inexplicable desire to want to believe that if I get help that things will somehow work out and be okay.

Don't think you're quite ready to CTB yet, your last sentence shows this---I myself possess no desire to 'get help' because nothing will 'work out', no matter what