Story Resigned

[bravotess]

For those that don't know my backstory, a quick recap. In February, my partner of 17 years, cheated on me with a prostitute, fell in love with her, got a new place and moved in with her. He's been leading me on, keeping me stuck, essentially the entire time.

I couldn't take it anymore. I told her what he'd been saying to me and doing with me. She left. He's back home. This is the outcome I have been hoping for since the day he left.

One problem though...it's clear he doesn't want to be here. It's clear that he loves me but he's not in love with me. It's clear that's he's unhappy. It's clear he sees no other option. During one of our previous attempts at reconciliation we made a list of what the other person needed to change to make the other happy. I'm doing everything he asked. He's changed nothing.

There's only one way this can end. This vicious circle of coming together and breaking apart. This relationship where only one of us is happy at any given time. I have to CTB. I'm fine with it. I had an amazing life. I've done and seen and experienced things that most people could only dream of. I had a good life.

I have the SN. I ordered the meto but shipping was going to take 4-8 weeks so I'm going to try to get a prescription through the doctor.

I don't want to him to be unhappy for one more minute so I'm dropping hints, like "just give it a week". I want to be gone. To clear the way for him to leave peacefully ASAP. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll know if getting meto is going to be possible. If not I'll have to do it without. Just need to find a time when I won't be discovered. Him being back home makes that more difficult so I may go to a hotel when he leaves for work in the morning. By the time he notices I'm gone, it will be too late.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

There's only one way this can end.

I have to CTB. I'm fine with it.

This is hard to read, and I acknowledge that's about me, and that everything I'm going to write here is about me, about my perceptions and personal responses.

On the one hand, I'm not you, I don't know what you're capable of and what your resources are, internal or external. And I also know that there's nothing I can do to change your mindset. It seems myopic to me that this is the only solution, but who am I to say you need glasses?

On the other hand, I think of your kids. I know you've said they have their dads to take care of them. But I think of how they're going to react. To them, it will be an act of abandonment. They will wonder, perhaps always, "Why wasn't I/weren't we enough to stay?" I see your focus on your husband and I wonder why it takes so, so much more precedence over your focus on your kids, let alone on yourself. I can't say that they'd be better off because of this. According to trauma research and attachment theory, unless a parent is totally disorganized and there is zero predictability, even predictability of abuse, having the foundation of a shit parent, especially the mother, is better than losing the foundation of a shit parent. And I'm not saying you're a shit parent, so please don't go off on that tangent with my words. I know nothing about your parenting.

So, I've said my piece. I recognize I can't control other people and make them act according to my preference and judgment. But damn this is a hard one to watch and say, "It's her choice." I think there are other choices, but it's your right to reject them. I can't force you to make any effort, period. That's hard. And because of the kids, it's exponentially harder.

I lived for a month with a family where the mother had a severe chronic illness and the boyfriend was abusive. She also was not in emotional control because of the illness on top of her own stuff, and came from an abuse and neglect background. She refused to see what was happening around her and her role in enabling it. I say refused, but I acknowledge there was some lack of capability as well, because if she'd had more physical and financial power, she would have been more likely to kick him out and to have kept him out the one time she did. I saw plenty of evidence of abuse and all the dynamics, but had no definitive proof, such as catching him in the act or a disclosure from either of the kids. The kids had already been taken once by child services due to an unrelated outside accusation and split up because they had different fathers, and both were abused in those separate situations and were still experiencing the effects from it. So without proof, I made the hard choice to not report my suspicions and to spare them the worse trauma from a horrific child services system than whatever they were experiencing in their nest. At least they had the nest, they loved their mom who loved them as best she could, and they had predictability. I was totally helpless to effect change, let alone to save them, and I had to walk away from all of it and stop trying to make an impact where it wasn't recognized let alone welcome, but it will always be on my heart. That's kind of how I feel about your situation. Aware and yet helpless to influence or effect change and a better outcome.

 

[bravotess]

This is hard to read, and I acknowledge that's about me, and that everything I'm going to write here is about me, about my perceptions and personal responses.

On the one hand, I'm not you, I don't know what you're capable of and what your resources are, internal or external. And I also know that there's nothing I can do to change your mindset. It seems myopic to me that this is the only solution, but who am I to say you need glasses?

On the other hand, I think of your kids. I know you've said they have their dads to take care of them. But I think of how they're going to react. To them, it will be an act of abandonment. They will wonder, perhaps always, "Why wasn't I/weren't we enough to stay?" I see your focus on your husband and I wonder why it takes so, so much more precedence over your focus on your kids, let alone on yourself. I can't say that they'd be better off because of this. According to trauma research and attachment theory, unless a parent is totally disorganized and there is zero predictability, even predictability of abuse, having the foundation of a shit parent, especially the mother, is better than losing the foundation of a shit parent. And I'm not saying you're a shit parent, so please don't go off on that tangent with my words. I know nothing about your parenting.

So, I've said my piece. I recognize I can't control other people and make them act according to my preference and judgment. But damn this is a hard one to watch and say, "It's her choice." I think there are other choices, but it's your right to reject them. I can't force you to make any effort, period. That's hard. And because of the kids, it's exponentially harder.

I lived for a month with a family where the mother had a severe chronic illness and the boyfriend was abusive. She also was not in emotional control because of the illness on top of her own stuff, and came from an abuse and neglect background. She refused to see what was happening around her and her role in enabling it. I say refused, but I acknowledge there was some lack of capability as well, because if she'd had more physical and financial power, she would have been more likely to kick him out and to have kept him out the one time she did. I saw plenty of evidence of abuse and all the dynamics, but had no definitive proof, such as catching him in the act or a disclosure from either of the kids. The kids had already been taken once by child services due to an unrelated outside accusation and split up because they had different fathers, and both were abused in those separate situations and were still experiencing the effects from it. So without proof, I made the hard choice to not report my suspicions and to spare them the worse trauma from a horrific child services system than whatever they were experiencing in their nest. At least they had the nest, they loved their mom who loved them as best she could, and they had predictability. I was totally helpless to effect change, let alone to save them, and I had to walk away from all of it and stop trying to make an impact where it wasn't recognized let alone welcome, but it will always be on my heart. That's kind of how I feel about your situation. Aware and yet helpless to influence or effect change and a better outcome.

Thank you for taking the time and effort to read and respond to my message. I value your opinion and I'm glad you shared your experience. I know you are not insulting me in any way.
As you know, finances are at the core of this in addition to the relationship stuff. My parents have money. They would be happy to give, or loan me the money I need to get caught up on bills and house payments.
I could find another guy. I'm attractive-ish and I have enough going for me (from the outside) that it wouldn't be that difficult.
So why don't I just pull myself up, get it together and start working on my new life? Why aren't my kids enough? Because, I am rotten to the core. I am beyond self-centered. I can convince myself of anything. I am a horrible person and a shit mother. I've accepted it. For me CTB is the easiest option. And I ALWAYS take the easy way.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Okay, you're not motivated because your motivation is always take the easy way. I got it.

I wonder something, then, and of course I don't consider you obligated to reply. What is your motivation for posting in the SS community?

 

[bravotess]

Originally I came here to learn about methods. I enjoy reading and learning from people's experiences and I hope, that what I've been though and what I'm going through could help others.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Why aren't my kids enough? Because, I am rotten to the core. I am beyond self-centered. I can convince myself of anything. I am a horrible person and a shit mother. I've accepted it.

Would your kids say the same thing, or do they maybe see you differently? We sometimes see our flaws most easily, but others see us through idealistic eyes. I wouldn't be surprised if your children saw you as a hero. Maybe their opinion of you dying would be much different than your own.

I understand, as I struggle with issues of self-hatred as well. I think I'm a horrible husband and I believe he'd be better off without me. This is despite the fact that he has literally told me that if he believed that, he would have left already. Sometimes reality doesn't mesh with our perception.

 

[bravotess]

Would your kids say the same thing, or do they maybe see you differently? We sometimes see our flaws most easily, but others see us through idealistic eyes. I wouldn't be surprised if your children saw you as a hero. Maybe their opinion of you dying would be much different than your own.

I understand, as I struggle with issues of self-hatred as well. I think I'm a horrible husband and I believe he'd be better off without me. This is despite the fact that he has literally told me that if he believed that, he would have left already. Sometimes reality doesn't mesh with our perception.

My kids believe that I'm doing my best under shitty circumstances. My son can't understand why I'm so heart broken over a guy. They don't know that I gambled away all of our money. If they knew the truth their opinion would change. I have significant life insurance and after selling the house and repaying the mortgage, there's probably another 100k. My kids and my ex will be set. My kids will have cars and college paid for. I wrote notes for my kids but I'll leave it up to my ex to decide if he wants to play it off as an accident or give them the notes.

It sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive partner. Take what he says at face value. Mine left me because I was a terrible partner. Those are his words and I agree. He doesn't want me dead because he knows how much I do (cook, clean, homework, driving the kids around etc). But he's a good catch (from the outside). He'll find someone that can step into my wife/mother role and do a much better job.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

It's good that your children are taken care of after you've passed, but I still think they'd rather have their mother. I don't know your situation in-and-out, though, so I have to respect your decision. I just think your kids don't see you as a failure and they value your presence in their lives. Your loss would impact them significantly.

He doesn't want me dead because he knows how much I do (cook, clean, homework, driving the kids around etc).

Sometimes I feel this way about my spouse too. He doesn't want me dead because he feels he might not have a successful life without me. I make more money and manage our finances. I feel like that's all I'm good for. He'll get over me and find someone he can truly love.

 

[Ghost2211]

my situation has great similarities and differences. I'm on the same page as you though about how it feels for your partner to cheat, leave, come back, and still look at you as second best/settling. It rips apart self worth, and life becomes waiting to die because there is no way out.

I wish I could offer you more than empathy, but I also see no other solution. I'm here if you want to talk.

 

[Dookieshoes]

I read your entire post and I understand where you are coming from. I also saw your other responses stating your selfishness and laziness. Ok. Fine.

I don't want to him to be unhappy for one more minute so I'm dropping hints, like "just give it a week"

However, if you think for a single second that this act is going to liberate someone, you are sorely mistaken. You are going to obliterate this person, and your kids.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Following @Dookieshoes's quoting that particular part of the OP, I admit that it's troubling for me, @bravotess, that you don't want your partner/ex to be unhappy, but your suicide will cause immense unhappiness and profound long-term effects for your children. Your impact on them will last for the rest of their lives just by virtue of being their mother, the most impactful of all human relationships. It seems like there is a scale in your system of weights and balances that is not appropriately calibrated.

I recognize that sounds judgmental, and I sincerely don't mean it in that way. In my own experience, I've recognized when I've had calibration issues, for instance, that I gave more weight to the emotional well-being of someone who repeatedly did me harm, than to my own emotional well-being and my need to cut off their access to me. My pity for them gave more weight to serving their good, and exacted that weight from my need to protect my own good, which they had assaulted by historically, repeatedly overriding my boundaries and autonomy to serve their own ends. The last time, I immediately went no contact, but then I regularly went back to focusing on their point of view and how I needed to soothe my perception of the suffering I assumed they were experiencing, a kind of hyper-empathy that made what I imagined about them more painful to me than what I actually experienced multiple times by their invasive actions toward me. It has taken me a lot of intensive work to recalibrate so that not only did I cognitively assign appropriate weights and balances, but could also follow through on them. I still do it with certain people, and have to return again and again to reminders of the evidence, and of appropriate measures of that evidence, when I feel strongly pulled to act in their perceived best interests rather than my own. It is definitely not the easy way, however, giving in to the bad measurements causes bad consequences. I am worth the effort. If I had children, they would be worth the effort, and it would be my responsibility to make it for them as long as they were under age, since I had brought them into the world.

I mentioned to you in another thread that both your partner/ex and you seem to have issues pertaining to responsibility, and I have empathy for that. Again, it is not a judgment; I've had my own issues, I have my own regrets. It takes work to grow past that, and you may not want to make such effort. But in recognition of his having such issues, and knowing that he left you without enough money to pay the mortgage and bills and for enough nutritional food for you and his own child, I suggest you consider that he's probably not going to be responsible with the insurance money, either. Unless you have an ironclad will that protects that money for certain purposes, as guardian he will likely piss that money away before your kids are even close to college. I don't feel good saying this, but I feel worse for not saying it -- it doesn't seem like either of you has the capacity to recognize your children's needs and give those needs the appropriate weights. I base this on the quote, and on his recent actions. So perhaps before you suicide, you may want to consider who would be the best, most responsible, and most loving guardians for your children since you won't be there, and he has proven he is irresponsible and blind to his impacts on others who rely on him. He sounds quite unaware, and it's quite literally dangerous for those who rely on him.

 

[bravotess]

I also saw your other responses stating your selfishness and laziness.

You are going to obliterate this person, and your kids.

Thank you for your thoughtful message. I'm going to assume your intentions were not to put me down. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Maybe it's just semantics but I never equated "taking the easy way" to being "lazy". I would HATE that word to be used to describe me. I have a college degree and a good paying job where I'm respected and valued. School did not come easy to me. I had to work hard to be successful. I don't think a single person I've ever worked with would describe me as lazy. Do i look for the most efficient way to accomplish a task? For sure. I see CTB as a means to an end.

The problem I'm having is that I can't let him go. And, to be fair, he can't let me go either. I can't live with him and I can't live without him. I'm so materialistic that I believe that my kids will not be obliterated because they will have "things".

Again, I know I'm a shit person.

 

[Dookieshoes]

Thank you for your thoughtful message. I'm going to assume your intentions were not to put me down. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Maybe it's just semantics but I never equated "taking the easy way" to being "lazy". I would HATE that word to be used to describe me. I have a college degree and a good paying job where I'm respected and valued. School did not come easy to me. I had to work hard to be successful. I don't think a single person I've ever worked with would describe me as lazy. Do i look for the most efficient way to accomplish a task? For sure. I see CTB as a means to an end.

The problem I'm having is that I can't let him go. And, to be fair, he can't let me go either. I can't live with him and I can't live without him. I'm so materialistic that I believe that my kids will not be obliterated because they will have "things".

Again, I know I'm a shit person.

My intention was NOT to put you down. I just don't agree with you.

I paraphrased with lazy, because that's how I interpreted your post. I do not agree with your reasoning that taking an easy path is efficient. Efficiency is about improving a process or system to remove extra steps or eliminate waste. The key idea is improvement. Being faced with a challenge and opting-out is not efficiency, it's avoidance. I am not calling you a shit person.

I will gladly disagree with you if I think that my opinion presents a side that you may not have considered. I truly hope you find a solution that does not result in the end of several lives(metaphorically).

 

[bravotess]

It's good that your children are taken care of after you've passed, but I still think they'd rather have their mother. I don't know your situation in-and-out, though, so I have to respect your decision. I just think your kids don't see you as a failure and they value your presence in their lives. Your loss would impact them significantly.


Sometimes I feel this way about my spouse too. He doesn't want me dead because he feels he might not have a successful life without me. I make more money and manage our finances. I feel like that's all I'm good for. He'll get over me and find someone he can truly love.

I also feel like he doesn't want me dead because he'll be blamed by our friends and family.

my situation has great similarities and differences. I'm on the same page as you though about how it feels for your partner to cheat, leave, come back, and still look at you as second best/settling. It rips apart self worth, and life becomes waiting to die because there is no way out.

I wish I could offer you more than empathy, but I also see no other solution. I'm here if you want to talk.

Thank you.

Unrequited love and being 2nd place to a drug addict prostitute is a pretty awful place to be. I understand that she's younger and prettier and doesn't have a body that's given birth to two kids. But we have history, a home, a child, a whole life. I must be pretty awful and ugly and worthless to lose his love to her.

I'm very sorry you're in a similarly bad space. It's a hopeless situation.

 

[RestingGirl23]

I disagree with your original post to CTB but it seems that there's more to it than you being heartbroken by your partner cheating on you. It seems you feel like there is not way out for you because "you are rotten to the core". I don't know you personally but I don't think you are a horrible person from what you responded to other people. I've seen many others do a lot worse.

In my opinion, if you are going to do it just make sure you are doing it for yourself only. Not to please your husband or even your kids or to make sure they get life insurance. (BTW they may not even get it if you suicide because a lot of life insurance policies specify that they won't cover suicide and they usually investigate to make sure it was an accident).

 

[bravotess]

My intention was NOT to put you down. I just don't agree with you.

I paraphrased with lazy, because that's how I interpreted your post. I do not agree with your reasoning that taking an easy path is efficient. Efficiency is about improving a process or system to remove extra steps or eliminate waste. The key idea is improvement. Being faced with a challenge and opting-out is not efficiency, it's avoidance. I am not calling you a shit person.

I will gladly disagree with you if I think that my opinion presents a side that you may not have considered. I truly hope you find a solution that does not result in the end of several lives(metaphorically).

So my post was lazy? Ok.

my goal is to stop hurting. This has been going on for 6+ months. I've tried therapy. I've tried to forget about him. I've tried dating. I've tried distracting myself with my kids and work. Nothings worked. I'm still devastated and unable to think clearly and function normally. What other options do I have?

I disagree with your original post to CTB but it seems that there's more to it than you being heartbroken by your partner cheating on you. It seems you feel like there is not way out for you because "you are rotten to the core". I don't know you personally but I don't think you are a horrible person from what you responded to other people. I've seen many others do a lot worse.

In my opinion, if you are going to do it just make sure you are doing it for yourself only. Not to please your husband or even your kids or to make sure they get life insurance. (BTW they may not even get it if you suicide because a lot of life insurance policies specify that they won't cover suicide and they usually investigate to make sure it was an accident).

Thank you for your response.

I just feel worthless and unlovable. I've had these same feelings in my teens and 20s. They went away when I met him. But they've now resurfaced.

I'll look into fine print on the life insurance. This has crossed my mind before but to be honest, I'm worried that you are right. If so, I won't be able to justify, to myself, what I'm going to do. But I'm going to look anyway. Maybe I'll just have to change my method.

 

[Smudgedlines]

I discovered my partner of 7 years was seeing someone 20 years younger than me. First of all he started being difficult, causing rows so he could go out and getting drunk and obnoxious. I asked him to leave for a while and he did...only this time he didn't come back. He ghosted me for a while which hurt me then started to mess me about coming and going and giving me hope.

then I found out about her.

Once I found out I understood it wasn't me or my fault or that I was crap. He'd moved on but wasn't man enough to tell me.

it took me 3 years to get over him. Let me tell you that in that first six months I contemplated suicide daily. I nearly just drove into a tree regularly. Thoughts of my kids stopped me and they continue to.

I did get over him and I am a lot happier. I see him now and I'm proud that I haven't spoken a word to him since the day I found out about her. Small things keep me happy eh. What I'm trying to say is time heals.... the first months are the worst, the grief and longing and desperation and loneliness were palpable...but it goes.....

 

[Dookieshoes]

So my post was lazy? Ok.

What? No... Try again.

my goal is to stop hurting. This has been going on for 6+ months. I've tried therapy. I've tried to forget about him. I've tried dating. I've tried distracting myself with my kids and work. Nothings worked. I'm still devastated and unable to think clearly and function normally. What other options do I have?

I don't know how to answer that question. I think I'd start with addressing my self worth and finding something to make me smile, an anchor point.

Something about the dismissive way you write about your kids really irks me though... They have "stuff" so they won't be upset by your leaving, being so sure their emotions can be muffled with material goods.... The way you "try to distract yourself with them" like they're a novelty at the checkout counter. Strange.

 

[bravotess]

What? No... Try again.



I don't know how to answer that question. I think I'd start with addressing my self worth and finding something to make me smile, an anchor point.

Something about the dismissive way you write about your kids really irks me though... They have "stuff" so they won't be upset by your leaving, being so sure their emotions can be muffled with material goods.... The way you "try to distract yourself with them" like they're a novelty at the checkout counter. Strange.

Lol. I wasn't looking for your advice. The question was rhetorical.

Thank you for confirming what a shit person I am.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

This is so hard. If someone makes a constructive criticism, you use it destructively, when that is no one's intention. It's like someone holds out a flower to you, and you switch it out with a gun and pull the trigger and then claim the person shot you.

I go back to wondering why you post, and perhaps it's to use those who want to support you to help you flagellate yourself.

I quit. It's emotionally unsafe to engage. I sincerely wish you the best, and there is no ammo in that.

 

[bravotess]

Being told I'm irksome and strange is "constructive criticism " akin to being given a flower? (Rhetorical)

Maybe my feelings about my kids are unique to me or maybe I'm the only one here who expresses them so plainly.

I'm not a victim. I take full responsibility for my part in what's got me here.

I never meant to cause anyone emotional pain. I'll see myself out. Peace.

 

[Emily123]

he was not obviously that much important that you want to ctb for him . And you are wrong , he doesn't love you (he left you and went after another woman . he probably needed you and this is why he got . You need to break up . you don't need to kill yourself for an invaluable person(Sorry to be too honest with you,, you need to understand your value and not let him manipulate you