HeartThatFeeds
Fixed in one determined flash
- Aug 19, 2023
- 97
I sadly shared the news of my Fiance's death on this forum over two months ago, and as time has passed I've had time to reflect on the situation. The day I posted that thread was the morning after his suicide and quite frankly I was not in the any right state of mind to begin to process what had even happened so I'd like to retell the story as best as I possibly can, this will be in great detail and will go over an honestly messy and unstable relationship between two mentally ill people so please keep that in mind.
On September 24th around 9PM, my Fiancé passed away. A few hours prior to that he was on his way to College and everything was fine up until about 6:20 am his time, for context me and my Fiancé were in a long distance relationship, I live in the UK while he lived in the US. For two months during the summer after I had finished with college I had stayed at his and he had proposed, during that time we had both forgotten to regularly take our medication, it was an honest mistake but one that proved to be detrimental. I was fine without my medication, however my Fiancé was not as he was taking antipsychotics for his bipolar, the sudden withdrawal from his medication took a devastating blow on his mental health, I had noticed near the end of my trip that he was frequenting Sasu and looking at resources about SN (I had already been previously made aware of this forum the year before due to him sharing a screenshot of a conversation with another user on here but without mentioning what the website was and was informed by my friend about here). However I didn't mention any of this to him on it while I was there as I'm not good with in person confrontation. (A stupid thing to do I know but I tend to tear when I'm explaining how I feel and I find the whole experience unpleasant)
When I arrived back home, things only got worse. We argued frequently and despite me trying desperately to be there for him I felt like It wasn't enough, I was beginning to grow hopeless within our relationship and was constantly concerned for my Fiance's well being, I had begged him to throw away his SN when I found out he had purchased it until he did, however unbeknownst to me he still kept an unknown amount within a bottle. After about a month of this things had accumulated so much I had began to consider suicide myself, I found DMC and when I was about to purchase it I was unable to due to my parents needing money, stupidly I vented to my friends about it and they told my Fiancé and obviously he was not very happy about this. Some of you might ask why I told my friends about this, and to that I have no idea, I'm not very good at keeping things to myself and have the impulsive tendency to just say my thoughts completely unfiltered, I guess In the moment I just wanted someone to understand my struggles even if they were pathetic at the time. My Fiancé called me a hypocrite, and accused me of only doing this for attention, he said that nobody normal would do this. I was undoubtedly very upset, not only did my Fiancé bash on me for contemplating suicide but my Friends also did, one of the, calling me pathetic. I want to preface do not blame nobody involved with this, unfortunately when someone is suicidal sometimes your first reaction is anger, I cannot say I haven't reacted that way before either but in the moment it didn't help my feeling at all and so I was angry and upset, after all multiple people were essentially telling me off for being suicidal, and although I knew I was being hypocritical and selfish for not wanting my Fiancé to die but wanting to go to the extremes of considering taking my own life, none of what happened felt deserved to me at the time.
My Fiancé in reaction to my want to commit suicide was extreme, and he seemingly became suicidal from that himself. He drove home, and I tried to explain to him how I felt like nothing was improving, that our relationship was getting worse due to him he getting worse and his only response was "you knew what you were getting into when you dated me", I tried to reassure him that wasn't the problem and told him to not take his own life, but when I said it he was already getting everything ready, he overdosed on a variety of medications including benzos, antipsychotics as well as a painkillers with SN.
He told me I'd be better off without him anyways and I felt the anxiety kick in, five minutes after taking the mix of medications and SN he threw up, I assumed that because he threw up that he would be fine and told him to drink some water (I wasn't thinking thoroughly of the effects of SN due to my panic) I asked to call him and during that call would be the last moments of his life. Both me and his friend told him to call for an ambulance and he refused, insisting he'd get his roommate, I didn't pressure him not wanting to upset him and so I told him to be careful, he got up and reported being dizzy, before that he told me his heart was extremely beating fast and he felt cold. He then collapsed, most likely due to the lack of oxygen within his system, after he collapsed he made a noise of pain and told me he fell over and I told him to crawl. He seized then seized and told friend to call the police as I live in a different country, upon seizing he was completely unresponsive, he never reacted or responded to me talking, due to his friends living in different states to get on the line to his state's police took 30 fucking minutes. About a few minutes before that I heard what I can only presume to be his last breath, I heard as the officers kicked the door down, as they talked on the other end of the phone, I was in a complete state of shock, dread panic and dissociation, I asked if he was okay, the officer picked the fucking phone up and I will never forget those fucking words.
"I'm sorry but I think he's gone."
I remember feeling rage in that moment, absolute fucking rage, You think? What do you mean you think he's gone? I was outside in that moment, I had ran away from the house and it was pouring down with rain, I threw my phone on the side of the road as I screamed. I cannot describe the feelings I felt at the time but even recounting this can feel it again, this unexplainable dread that makes you sick to your stomach. Everything after that was a blur but I remember crying on the side of the road, jumping a fence and ending up somewhere I attempted to smash a window open to get into a building that contained cleaning supplies, at some point I was just so tired, I had been wondering around covered in dirt and soaked from head to toe and after maybe half an hour made it back to the side of the road, remarkably my phone was intact aside from a small chip on one of the camera's.
All I did was sob, as I told his friends that he was gone and I called my Mum to pick me up. For the first time in years I just wanted my Mum, I felt like scared hopeless child, I felt so vulnerable and weak I couldn't stop fucking shaking.
I try not to think about it now, most of my days I spend my time repressing these memories, not thinking about what happened because when I do it just takes me back to that day. Even now I can feel the rain down on me, just wanting to fall down on the dirt and crawl up and die. I hope anyone who read the whole way through has a good day, the only thing I feel that you should take from this is know that you're ready. Don't kill yourself based on stupid impulse, don't throw your life away like that just like my Fiancé and regret your very last moments.
Thank you.
On September 24th around 9PM, my Fiancé passed away. A few hours prior to that he was on his way to College and everything was fine up until about 6:20 am his time, for context me and my Fiancé were in a long distance relationship, I live in the UK while he lived in the US. For two months during the summer after I had finished with college I had stayed at his and he had proposed, during that time we had both forgotten to regularly take our medication, it was an honest mistake but one that proved to be detrimental. I was fine without my medication, however my Fiancé was not as he was taking antipsychotics for his bipolar, the sudden withdrawal from his medication took a devastating blow on his mental health, I had noticed near the end of my trip that he was frequenting Sasu and looking at resources about SN (I had already been previously made aware of this forum the year before due to him sharing a screenshot of a conversation with another user on here but without mentioning what the website was and was informed by my friend about here). However I didn't mention any of this to him on it while I was there as I'm not good with in person confrontation. (A stupid thing to do I know but I tend to tear when I'm explaining how I feel and I find the whole experience unpleasant)
When I arrived back home, things only got worse. We argued frequently and despite me trying desperately to be there for him I felt like It wasn't enough, I was beginning to grow hopeless within our relationship and was constantly concerned for my Fiance's well being, I had begged him to throw away his SN when I found out he had purchased it until he did, however unbeknownst to me he still kept an unknown amount within a bottle. After about a month of this things had accumulated so much I had began to consider suicide myself, I found DMC and when I was about to purchase it I was unable to due to my parents needing money, stupidly I vented to my friends about it and they told my Fiancé and obviously he was not very happy about this. Some of you might ask why I told my friends about this, and to that I have no idea, I'm not very good at keeping things to myself and have the impulsive tendency to just say my thoughts completely unfiltered, I guess In the moment I just wanted someone to understand my struggles even if they were pathetic at the time. My Fiancé called me a hypocrite, and accused me of only doing this for attention, he said that nobody normal would do this. I was undoubtedly very upset, not only did my Fiancé bash on me for contemplating suicide but my Friends also did, one of the, calling me pathetic. I want to preface do not blame nobody involved with this, unfortunately when someone is suicidal sometimes your first reaction is anger, I cannot say I haven't reacted that way before either but in the moment it didn't help my feeling at all and so I was angry and upset, after all multiple people were essentially telling me off for being suicidal, and although I knew I was being hypocritical and selfish for not wanting my Fiancé to die but wanting to go to the extremes of considering taking my own life, none of what happened felt deserved to me at the time.
My Fiancé in reaction to my want to commit suicide was extreme, and he seemingly became suicidal from that himself. He drove home, and I tried to explain to him how I felt like nothing was improving, that our relationship was getting worse due to him he getting worse and his only response was "you knew what you were getting into when you dated me", I tried to reassure him that wasn't the problem and told him to not take his own life, but when I said it he was already getting everything ready, he overdosed on a variety of medications including benzos, antipsychotics as well as a painkillers with SN.
He told me I'd be better off without him anyways and I felt the anxiety kick in, five minutes after taking the mix of medications and SN he threw up, I assumed that because he threw up that he would be fine and told him to drink some water (I wasn't thinking thoroughly of the effects of SN due to my panic) I asked to call him and during that call would be the last moments of his life. Both me and his friend told him to call for an ambulance and he refused, insisting he'd get his roommate, I didn't pressure him not wanting to upset him and so I told him to be careful, he got up and reported being dizzy, before that he told me his heart was extremely beating fast and he felt cold. He then collapsed, most likely due to the lack of oxygen within his system, after he collapsed he made a noise of pain and told me he fell over and I told him to crawl. He seized then seized and told friend to call the police as I live in a different country, upon seizing he was completely unresponsive, he never reacted or responded to me talking, due to his friends living in different states to get on the line to his state's police took 30 fucking minutes. About a few minutes before that I heard what I can only presume to be his last breath, I heard as the officers kicked the door down, as they talked on the other end of the phone, I was in a complete state of shock, dread panic and dissociation, I asked if he was okay, the officer picked the fucking phone up and I will never forget those fucking words.
"I'm sorry but I think he's gone."
I remember feeling rage in that moment, absolute fucking rage, You think? What do you mean you think he's gone? I was outside in that moment, I had ran away from the house and it was pouring down with rain, I threw my phone on the side of the road as I screamed. I cannot describe the feelings I felt at the time but even recounting this can feel it again, this unexplainable dread that makes you sick to your stomach. Everything after that was a blur but I remember crying on the side of the road, jumping a fence and ending up somewhere I attempted to smash a window open to get into a building that contained cleaning supplies, at some point I was just so tired, I had been wondering around covered in dirt and soaked from head to toe and after maybe half an hour made it back to the side of the road, remarkably my phone was intact aside from a small chip on one of the camera's.
All I did was sob, as I told his friends that he was gone and I called my Mum to pick me up. For the first time in years I just wanted my Mum, I felt like scared hopeless child, I felt so vulnerable and weak I couldn't stop fucking shaking.
I try not to think about it now, most of my days I spend my time repressing these memories, not thinking about what happened because when I do it just takes me back to that day. Even now I can feel the rain down on me, just wanting to fall down on the dirt and crawl up and die. I hope anyone who read the whole way through has a good day, the only thing I feel that you should take from this is know that you're ready. Don't kill yourself based on stupid impulse, don't throw your life away like that just like my Fiancé and regret your very last moments.
Thank you.
