Venting Repercussions of ctb

[soda_pressed]

When I ctb, I have a feeling my death will be quite well known throughout my university and city. The reason being that I am well known due to who I used to hang out with, and that I used to go out a lot with popular people and drink all the time.

Whilst I've always had my struggles with depression since 14, they're the worst they've ever been now, due to personal circumstances and various mental illnesses like anxiety.

My depression is also a lot due to aspergers, and people being mean as a result of it.
For example- I lived in a flat of 9 other people during second year. During third year, they wished everyone else happy birthday except me. I felt so embarrassed and unloved.
So many small instances happen in which I am constantly stepped on and belittled. This includes some previous bosses and teachers.

I know this is a small example on it's own, there's a lot more stuff that has been done to me, to make me feel like shit. The worst I've been through was being raped by a "friend" a few months ago. Whilst I'm different, I would never ever single someone out and make them feel like shit.

It's too late for me, I can't get help and my ctb date is next month, but I want to stop other people from going my way if possible, especially as I know for people on the spectrum, the suicide rate is so high. Mostly because of prejudice and the struggles a lot of us face everyday.

I wouldn't make a video or anything extra like that, but so many people have hurt me and drove me to where suicide is the only option. I'm not trying to make them pay (I'm not a vindictive or horrible person) but I simply need to vent my thoughts about why I'm going to ctb after I do. So I'll probably do it in a letter as I feel it's important.

So my question is, has anybody (on or off the spectrum) felt severely hard done by by society and people? I feel if I die, I might as well try and cause a change

 

[mattwitt]

Yes !!! lots of different people and times. And it would trigger an anxiety attack if I started typing up about people and their crap towards me stories. : )

 

[soda_pressed]

Yes !!! lots of different people and times. And it would trigger an anxiety attack if I started typing up about people and their crap towards me stories. : )

I've come to the conclusion 90% of the human race sucks. So sorry people are so rude

 

[mattwitt]

I've come to the conclusion 90% of the human race sucks. So sorry people are so rude

My conclusion is that we live on a horrible planet with horrible people that do horrible things to other horrible people.

 

[reznikoff]

absolutely! i can 100% touch base with you - i'm not vindictive or the revenge-seeking type whatsoever. but i want people to realize that they're doing this shit to other people and it's not okay, and that i'm the worst-case-scenario of their hateful actions. not to like, traumatize them or teach them a lesson - it'd more be for me than anything else, obviously.

 

[pane]

Soda_pressed I understand your purpose in wanting to write a letter to explain how you came to commit suicide but in my opinion the only reason to do it would be for whatever satisfaction/relief/peace of mind YOU would feel from doing so because ultimately you have no control over how anybody you might name in your letter would react to it.

Given my cynical view of humanity, I think a very few of the people who read it would possibly be deeply touched, perhaps to the point of causing them to re-evaluate how they treat others, their attitude about life in general and so forth. Most who read it would be sad for about 5 minutes and then move on to some other distraction. Then there'd be that small number of people who'd simply dismiss your thoughts by saying "What a screwed up chick she was. No wonder she killed herself."

 

[Alchemist]

I know the feeling, people just don't care, but they love to pretend they do. I remember college how I used at first to get nice gifts for everyone in the classroom and on my birthday I got some congratulations; on the second year I gave cheaper gifts and on mine I barely got a few congratulations; on the third year I just wished happy birthday to everyone and not a single person even remember my birthday.

Once we're gone people will only act worried because society tells them so. A few hypocritical sympathies and saying how they would have done so and so and the move on.

 

[LastFlowers]

Society and the people who make it up are salt in the wound. Sometimes they create the wound to begin with.

 

[ManWithNoName]

When I ctb, I have a feeling my death will be quite well known throughout my university and city. The reason being that I am well known due to who I used to hang out with, and that I used to go out a lot with popular people and drink all the time.

Whilst I've always had my struggles with depression since 14, they're the worst they've ever been now, due to personal circumstances and various mental illnesses like anxiety.

My depression is also a lot due to aspergers, and people being mean as a result of it.
For example- I lived in a flat of 9 other people during second year. During third year, they wished everyone else happy birthday except me. I felt so embarrassed and unloved.
So many small instances happen in which I am constantly stepped on and belittled. This includes some previous bosses and teachers.

I know this is a small example on it's own, there's a lot more stuff that has been done to me, to make me feel like shit. The worst I've been through was being raped by a "friend" a few months ago. Whilst I'm different, I would never ever single someone out and make them feel like shit.

It's too late for me, I can't get help and my ctb date is next month, but I want to stop other people from going my way if possible, especially as I know for people on the spectrum, the suicide rate is so high. Mostly because of prejudice and the struggles a lot of us face everyday.

I wouldn't make a video or anything extra like that, but so many people have hurt me and drove me to where suicide is the only option. I'm not trying to make them pay (I'm not a vindictive or horrible person) but I simply need to vent my thoughts about why I'm going to ctb after I do. So I'll probably do it in a letter as I feel it's important.

So my question is, has anybody (on or off the spectrum) felt severely hard done by by society and people? I feel if I die, I might as well try and cause a change

It depends. If I may ask: what is your age and gender? Are you a student it faculty at the University? If you do not feel comfortable answering that's ok.

 

[soda_pressed]

It depends. If I may ask: what is your age and gender? Are you a student it faculty at the University? If you do not feel comfortable answering that's ok.

21 and female. I go to a fairly small uni so it would spread like fire

 

[Jessica5]

When I ctb, I have a feeling my death will be quite well known throughout my university and city. The reason being that I am well known due to who I used to hang out with, and that I used to go out a lot with popular people and drink all the time.

Whilst I've always had my struggles with depression since 14, they're the worst they've ever been now, due to personal circumstances and various mental illnesses like anxiety.

My depression is also a lot due to aspergers, and people being mean as a result of it.
For example- I lived in a flat of 9 other people during second year. During third year, they wished everyone else happy birthday except me. I felt so embarrassed and unloved.
So many small instances happen in which I am constantly stepped on and belittled. This includes some previous bosses and teachers.

I know this is a small example on it's own, there's a lot more stuff that has been done to me, to make me feel like shit. The worst I've been through was being raped by a "friend" a few months ago. Whilst I'm different, I would never ever single someone out and make them feel like shit.

It's too late for me, I can't get help and my ctb date is next month, but I want to stop other people from going my way if possible, especially as I know for people on the spectrum, the suicide rate is so high. Mostly because of prejudice and the struggles a lot of us face everyday.

I wouldn't make a video or anything extra like that, but so many people have hurt me and drove me to where suicide is the only option. I'm not trying to make them pay (I'm not a vindictive or horrible person) but I simply need to vent my thoughts about why I'm going to ctb after I do. So I'll probably do it in a letter as I feel it's important.

So my question is, has anybody (on or off the spectrum) felt severely hard done by by society and people? I feel if I die, I might as well try and cause a change

Why do people care about what people think of you after you're dead? When you're dead, nothing matters. Including your reputation.

 

[Soul]

Why do people care about what people think of you after you're dead? When you're dead, nothing matters. Including your reputation.

I think @soda_pressed would like to nudge at least a few people to be less shitty to others. It's not her reputation she's concerned about, if I understand her right; she'd like to at least try to make the world a better place on her way out.

@soda_pressed ... Now I'm wondering about steps you could take before your departure date that could make a difference to the people who need to behave better and/or to others on the spectrum. I may have watched too many movies, but it seems like there should be something.

And ... I know you've got reasons for choosing your date, and that it's not my business, but: One thing about having made all the preparations is that there's no urgency anymore; I can c the b whenever I want, and if I miss one there's always another b to c.

I'm sorry you haven't been surrounded by better friends in so-called real life. You should be.

 

[ManWithNoName]

21 and female. I go to a fairly small uni so it would spread like fire

If you are based in the U.S., Canada, or the UK then your ctb will definitely be big news in your town. These countries are very woman-centric. As a man, I'm not complaining - I'm just stating the current zeitgeist, for example, with #metoo and #thefutureisfemale and similar narratives we see in today's culture.

And your passing could be co-opted for any group's political agenda at your school, as today's university environments are literally war zones. Many feral activist groups like to exploit a tragedy for their own purpose.

 

[GeorgeJL]

What have you tried to get better with?

 

[soda_pressed]

I think @soda_pressed would like to nudge at least a few people to be less shitty to others. It's not her reputation she's concerned about, if I understand her right; she'd like to at least try to make the world a better place on her way out.

@soda_pressed ... Now I'm wondering about steps you could take before your departure date that could make a difference to the people who need to behave better and/or to others on the spectrum. I may have watched too many movies, but it seems like there should be something.

And ... I know you've got reasons for choosing your date, and that it's not my business, but: One thing about having made all the preparations is that there's no urgency anymore; I can c the b whenever I want, and if I miss one there's always another b to c.

I'm sorry you haven't been surrounded by better friends in so-called real life. You should be.

Yeah I just wish people were kinder that's all. Had people been kinder to me, I definitely wouldn't be on this forum, and wouldn't be taking my life. But such is life.

I want to take steps before I pass but I've no idea how to or what to say, although I agree with you and need to say something before I pass. It's really weighing on my mind, and know I would regret catching the bus if I didn't say anything.

I'm not in any rush to ctb, it's more because of external factors. I'm supposed to move out of my flat next month and need to be gone by then before I move in with my parents. There are definitely nice people, but it's too hard living in this world.

What have you tried to get better with?

Been in and out of therapy for 8 years, tried antidepressants, self medicating, excercise, nothing's worked unfortunately

 

[Soul]

Still very aware that I may be imagine a way too rose-coloured outcome: Your university must have a school newspaper sort of thing; are any of the staff the sort of people you could feel comfortable talking with (anonymously or not) about your perceptions? You're very expressive and a compassionate journalist could perhaps help you present your experiences in an impactful way.

Sorry if I sound like a complete ass. If I could I'd endow you with superpowers to confront the people who have hurt you.

 

[soda_pressed]

Still very aware that I may be imagine a way too rose-coloured outcome: Your university must have a school newspaper sort of thing; are any of the staff the sort of people you could feel comfortable talking with (anonymously or not) about your perceptions? You're very expressive and a compassionate journalist could perhaps help you present your experiences in an impactful way.

Sorry if I sound like a complete ass. If I could I'd endow you with superpowers to confront the people who have hurt you.

I'm not sure tbh. The only person I could think of would be my counsellor there. I'd just need to be careful with my words and make sure I don't say to much as I don't want her to get me involuntarily committed... Lol.

You don't sound like an ass at all! You've honestly been so helpful and I always appreciate you replying to my threads x

 

[Darkhaven]

So sad to hear that your main reason for ctb is because of how you were treated by others.
Wanting to depart for self/individual reasons is one thing; now feeling like giving up because of other people seems even worse, specially since you seem so young.

 

[ManWithNoName]

Been in and out of therapy for 8 years, tried antidepressants, self medicating, excercise, nothing's worked unfortunately

What primarily are you suffering from? What bothers you the most?

 

[soda_pressed]

So sad to hear that your main reason for ctb is because of how you were treated by others.
Wanting to depart for self/individual reasons is one thing; now feeling like giving up because of other people seems even worse, specially since you seem so young.

It's horrible. My birthday was a few days ago, and my ex friend messaged me saying she was sad we didn't celebrate, when really she didn't like me and wanted to try to get my hopes up about hanging out. People are so fucking cruel :(

What primarily are you suffering from? What bothers you the most?

Oh god it's a lot. Anxiety, depression, aspergers, and possible BPD

 

[ManWithNoName]

Oh god it's a lot. Anxiety, depression, aspergers, and possible BPD

Sorry to hear this. And it seems that the medical community has a hard time addressing multiple issues.

The one thing that I could suggest is a highly skilled acupuncturist. This has helped me in the past, but 'highly skilled' is the operative word here. IMHO it should be done by someone Chinese who studied in China, and has practiced for a good 35+ years.

Typically should take around 12 sessions - commonly done 3 times per week. Then wait a month to see if it helped - sometimes people feel better within a few days - everybody is different. But this is how acupuncture works.

I was able to avoid surgery with acupuncture. I'm not saying Western medicine is worthless, nor am I saying acupuncture is a guaranteed to replace or fix an issue, but it definitely would be worth a try. My philosophy in all of ctb - which I apply to myself is to never leave any rock unturned that might allow for at least delaying one's self deliverance.

 

[Darkhaven]

It's horrible. My birthday was a few days ago, and my ex friend messaged me saying she was sad we didn't celebrate, when really she didn't like me and wanted to try to get my hopes up about hanging out. People are so fucking cruel :(

Oh god it's a lot. Anxiety, depression, aspergers, and possible BPD

Yes i can totally relate to that.
I'm 22 and besides my mother and grandparents i don't have a single friend.
The problem with me is not how others treated me, because i actually had some "aquaintences" in school and even now in college that tried to establish contact and even invited me to hang out and bond.
The problem is within my head. I just can't blend in with society. I can't maintain a normal friendly relationship.
So i live a reclusive life: basically i go to college and then i return home: back and forth.
I definately have some personality disorders since i was a small kid, but i don't want to go to a psychiatrist.
Life is not meant to be lived like this. That's why mine sucks.

 

[Ruffian]

It's horrible that you've been belittled by teachers and bosses about this. I've been bullied at work, so I have an idea about how horrible this feels.

 

[soda_pressed]

Sorry to hear this. And it seems that the medical community has a hard time addressing multiple issues.

The one thing that I could suggest is a highly skilled acupuncturist. This has helped me in the past, but 'highly skilled' is the operative word here. IMHO it should be done by someone Chinese who studied in China, and has practiced for a good 35+ years.

Typically should take around 12 sessions - commonly done 3 times per week. Then wait a month to see if it helped - sometimes people feel better within a few days - everybody is different. But this is how acupuncture works.

I was able to avoid surgery with acupuncture. I'm not saying Western medicine is worthless, nor am I saying acupuncture is a guaranteed to replace or fix an issue, but it definitely would be worth a try. My philosophy in all of ctb - which I apply to myself is to never leave any rock unturned that might allow for at least delaying one's self deliverance.

It's definitely harder to treat mental illnesses when they're co-morbid. I once got told that my therapist "didn't know how to help me".
Thank you for trying to help, but at this point, I'm past recovery and my only way to stop being in pain is to die.

I've been bullied and ostracised my whole life because of having aspergers, which lead to depression and everything else, plus a drug addiction.
Every time I've gone to a psychologist, they've not been able to help. I've told them all the instances in which certain people were mean to me and they didn't have anything to say back. They probably know deep down inside there's no hope.

I can't live on this planet anymore, and my date to kill myself is next month.

It's horrible that you've been belittled by teachers and bosses about this. I've been bullied at work, so I have an idea about how horrible this feels.

Bullies suck. Saddest part is bullies are the ones who are usually popular

 

[sillyusername69]

The town I'm in isn't necessarily small, but all of the "popular" hangout spots are frequented by the group of people that I hung out with with my ex. They sort of have a group, and if you don't fit into that group... well, I'm sure my ex has talked enough shit about me no one wants anything to do with me anyways.
Honestly, he used to tell me I was socially weird, because I wouldn't make eye contact, and unless I was drunk I wasn't very talkative.
I forget people's names all the time. Depression, PTSD, and just anxiety in general makes it easy to forget people's names and faces.
I'm 100% sure CTB will be talked about all over town. Whether it's immediate or once one person finds out, that's it. And it will probably be laughed about.
Even in death, I'm 100% it will either be a laughing matter or a "wow how selfish" reaction.
I've learned that I don't really care. This town is full of people in their mid 20's-40's addicted to alcohol and drugs, that are probably just depressed as myself but try to "cope" with it in those ways. They are cruel, they group together and drink so much they can't remember the day prior, and they act like they are better just because they don't "show" their emotion when in reality they are drowning in it just as much.

Sorry for the rant. I just feel pretty alone in this terrible town.

 

[LonelyLight]

The town I'm in isn't necessarily small, but all of the "popular" hangout spots are frequented by the group of people that I hung out with with my ex. They sort of have a group, and if you don't fit into that group... well, I'm sure my ex has talked enough shit about me no one wants anything to do with me anyways.
Honestly, he used to tell me I was socially weird, because I wouldn't make eye contact, and unless I was drunk I wasn't very talkative.
I forget people's names all the time. Depression, PTSD, and just anxiety in general makes it easy to forget people's names and faces.
I'm 100% sure CTB will be talked about all over town. Whether it's immediate or once one person finds out, that's it. And it will probably be laughed about.
Even in death, I'm 100% it will either be a laughing matter or a "wow how selfish" reaction.
I've learned that I don't really care. This town is full of people in their mid 20's-40's addicted to alcohol and drugs, that are probably just depressed as myself but try to "cope" with it in those ways. They are cruel, they group together and drink so much they can't remember the day prior, and they act like they are better just because they don't "show" their emotion when in reality they are drowning in it just as much.

Sorry for the rant. I just feel pretty alone in this terrible town.

Wow, honestly sounds just like my tiny town. I relate to a lot of what u said. Life is so lonely in places like this. Cannot walk down the street without feeling judged. Its like I've a huge sign floating above me saying "shes different". I feel different to everyone else. Even my family. I mean physically, I'm fine and I'm very good at pretending but, gets old pretty quick. I'm sorry I'm ranting now! Hugs to you.

 

[lynn14]

i want people to realize that they're doing this shit to other people and it's not okay, and that i'm the worst-case-scenario of their hateful actions. not to like, traumatize them or teach them a lesson - it'd more be for me than anything else, obviously.

The saddest part about this is that the people who hurt me are too sociopathic to feel sorry about how they hurt me. I already know they will feel nothing about my death and their lives will go on completely normally. At the most they might shrug and say, "poor her, she was so troubled, so full of hate" or some other bullshit to convince themselves that they are always right, and are incapable of doing anything wrong. So yeah absolutely you should only ever CTB for yourself because people's reactions aren't going to be worth it.

When I ctb, I have a feeling my death will be quite well known throughout my university and city. The reason being that I am well known due to who I used to hang out with, and that I used to go out a lot with popular people and drink all the time.

Whilst I've always had my struggles with depression since 14, they're the worst they've ever been now, due to personal circumstances and various mental illnesses like anxiety.

My depression is also a lot due to aspergers, and people being mean as a result of it.
For example- I lived in a flat of 9 other people during second year. During third year, they wished everyone else happy birthday except me. I felt so embarrassed and unloved.
So many small instances happen in which I am constantly stepped on and belittled. This includes some previous bosses and teachers.

I know this is a small example on it's own, there's a lot more stuff that has been done to me, to make me feel like shit. The worst I've been through was being raped by a "friend" a few months ago. Whilst I'm different, I would never ever single someone out and make them feel like shit.

It's too late for me, I can't get help and my ctb date is next month, but I want to stop other people from going my way if possible, especially as I know for people on the spectrum, the suicide rate is so high. Mostly because of prejudice and the struggles a lot of us face everyday.

I wouldn't make a video or anything extra like that, but so many people have hurt me and drove me to where suicide is the only option. I'm not trying to make them pay (I'm not a vindictive or horrible person) but I simply need to vent my thoughts about why I'm going to ctb after I do. So I'll probably do it in a letter as I feel it's important.

So my question is, has anybody (on or off the spectrum) felt severely hard done by by society and people? I feel if I die, I might as well try and cause a change

Have you ever considered that university itself might be the source of your troubles? In my experience it is a completely disgusting institution (at least in it's modern incarnation) that is full of politically correct sycophants falling over themselves to see who can kiss the most ass. It is a dog eat dog and mentally unhealthy environemnt TBH, and unless you specifically are going there to be a teacher, lawyer, doctor etc, what the fuck is the point? There is virtually no point to put up with the bullshit and the people who dispense it. There is certainly no point in killing yourself over the university experience.

You're just a young woman, couldn't you drop out and find fulfillment in starting a family?

 

[Final Escape]

If you are based in the U.S., Canada, or the UK then your ctb will definitely be big news in your town. These countries are very woman-centric. As a man, I'm not complaining - I'm just stating the current zeitgeist, for example, with #metoo and #thefutureisfemale and similar narratives we see in today's culture.

And your passing could be co-opted for any group's political agenda at your school, as today's university environments are literally war zones. Many feral activist groups like to exploit a tragedy for their own purpose.

Feminism is cancer. I'm sure it would be great if it didn't destroy civilization.

 

[ManWithNoName]

Thank you for trying to help, but at this point, I'm past recovery and my only way to stop being in pain is to die.
Bullies suck. Saddest part is bullies are the ones who are usually popular

I understand. At least with acupuncture they won't be trying to pry into your emotional psyche. They look at your tongue and take your pulse. In Chinese medicine When your "chi" energy is balanced then you become well.

And indeed bullies are more popular, and in the adult world as well -- seems the bigger the asshole someone is, the more he / she is rewarded in life.

 

[not_a_robot]

When I ctb, I have a feeling my death will be quite well known throughout my university and city. The reason being that I am well known due to who I used to hang out with, and that I used to go out a lot with popular people and drink all the time.

Whilst I've always had my struggles with depression since 14, they're the worst they've ever been now, due to personal circumstances and various mental illnesses like anxiety.

My depression is also a lot due to aspergers, and people being mean as a result of it.
For example- I lived in a flat of 9 other people during second year. During third year, they wished everyone else happy birthday except me. I felt so embarrassed and unloved.
So many small instances happen in which I am constantly stepped on and belittled. This includes some previous bosses and teachers.

I know this is a small example on it's own, there's a lot more stuff that has been done to me, to make me feel like shit. The worst I've been through was being raped by a "friend" a few months ago. Whilst I'm different, I would never ever single someone out and make them feel like shit.

It's too late for me, I can't get help and my ctb date is next month, but I want to stop other people from going my way if possible, especially as I know for people on the spectrum, the suicide rate is so high. Mostly because of prejudice and the struggles a lot of us face everyday.

I wouldn't make a video or anything extra like that, but so many people have hurt me and drove me to where suicide is the only option. I'm not trying to make them pay (I'm not a vindictive or horrible person) but I simply need to vent my thoughts about why I'm going to ctb after I do. So I'll probably do it in a letter as I feel it's important.

So my question is, has anybody (on or off the spectrum) felt severely hard done by by society and people? I feel if I die, I might as well try and cause a change

oh my god, girl. Feel free to scroll through my posts for a sample of the bullying I've experienced and I rant extensively about autism as well.
I am 45 and it never "got better", adults bully much more cruelly than children. I wish every day that I'd had the guts to do it young instead of gathering a lifetime of pain.

I admire your intent but but suicide notes don't stop bullies or make them sorry; it just makes them proud that they got you.

If you are based in the U.S., Canada, or the UK then your ctb will definitely be big news in your town. These countries are very woman-centric. As a man, I'm not complaining - I'm just stating the current zeitgeist, for example, with #metoo and #thefutureisfemale and similar narratives we see in today's culture.

And your passing could be co-opted for any group's political agenda at your school, as today's university environments are literally war zones. Many feral activist groups like to exploit a tragedy for their own purpose.

lol no these countries are butthurt-male centric. And you're fitting right in.