Remind me why partial is so hard!

[Retched]

awake since 2. Have to work in a few hours. Sitting for a while with scarf around my neck. Can't freaking do what I need to though to really make myself go. :/ why is it so scary hard?

 

[Retched]

Good gravey it sounds like I have been up waiting for work with a scarf around my neck bc it's cold outside. Nope. And I sound whiny. Guess I am. Can't ctb right. Wah.

 

[starcrossedfate]

Because you can back out almost during the entire process. Survival instinct.

 

[Retched]

I wish this was easier.

 

[ctoan]

the world wants us to suffer for whatever reason

 

[Arak]

@ctoan ,

The universe is cruel, humans are more cruel, doctors are the most cruel.

 

[bigj75]

the world wants us to suffer for whatever reason

idk if it wants us to suffer. But it feels like it sometimes.

 

[Limbo]

Because hanging in my view is a shitty method. It relies too much on impulsiveness and emotional instability.

 

[TiredHorse]

I'm so sorry, Retched. I flinched on Tuesday, after we talked. Even using eb/N2, the survival instinct is bloody awful.

It is, indeed, "scary hard."

I'm not sorry for the opportunity for more conversation with you, but I am deeply sorry it didn't go as planned/hoped.

 

[denis005]

Survival instinct can be rather annoying,thats for sure.

 

[WeekofWonder]

Because hanging in my view is a shitty method. It relies too much on impulsiveness and emotional instability.

All suicide attempts rely on emotional instability... It is a quick and violent method like any other, like shooting yourself or jumping off a bridge.

 

[Limbo]

All suicide attempts rely on emotional instability... It is a quick and violent method like any other, like shooting yourself or jumping off a bridge.

not true. Try nitrogen and nembutal. The former being easily accessible in most countries. Both peaceful and associated with thought out decisions and mental stability due to being more complicated than other methods.

 

[Roph]

The survival instinct can take over quickly.

 

[TiredHorse]

associated with thought out decisions and mental stability due to being more complicated than other methods.

Thank you, Limbo. I hadn't put two and two together and come up with that. Anyone willing to do the work of ctb with N or N2 clearly isn't ending their life in an impetuous moment. That's part of why I haven't used one of my guns --I am not impetuous-- but I hadn't connected the dots to see that others might make that analysis, too.

 

[worldexploder]

Sorry man. That panic response is hard to overcome. Nature wants to keep us alive and suffering.

 

[Hanging on]

Sorry man. That panic response is hard to overcome. Nature wants to keep us alive and suffering.

What method have you actually tried? Just interested.

 

[worldexploder]

What method have you actually tried? Just interested.

I tried overdosing in 2015 (easily fail) and almost succeeded at partial suspension hanging.

I tried to obtain Nembutal, nitrogen, a firearm....all failures. I'm on SSI and the judge awarded my aunt as my payee for some reason. Not being allowed to open my own bank account or have a credit card makes things a lot harder.

The best two options I have left is to jump off a bridge that's 876 feet high or use the Night-Night-Method. I personally decided on the NNM. Should be gone before New Years.

 

[Xerxes]

Any method that requires a lot of time will fail because you start to panic. So for you, something quick where you don't have to think about second chances or something that requires an impulse. If you feel yourself too panicky on one method, then that method may not be right for you.

 

[TiredHorse]

Any method that requires a lot of time will fail because you start to panic.

This is important. After two attempts at N2, I've been re-thinking my preparatory "rituals". Previously I made a big deal out of cleaning the bathrooms, stripping my bed, doing all the laundry and the dishes, laying out my copious farewell paperwork... And I think that gave me time to overthink it and flinch. I now have all the paperwork laid out ready to go (out of sight under a chart, in case anyone arrives unexpectedly), and am steeling myself to leave the house a mess. All I'll need to do is put out the "come fetch my husk" note, mail a last couple farewells, roll up that chart to reveal the paperwork, and I'm good to go. Five minutes prep instead of an entire afternoon.

Put on a movie I know will push me toward the edge, or the playlist I've built for the purpose, and maybe I'll have enough drive to keep the N2 flowing.

 

[Xerxes]

If you make a laundry list of things before you CTB, you're gonna flinch because your mind is occupied with the list of stuff rather than the ending of life itself.

 

[dysfunctional]

You have to be fiercly determined to die.

 

[Retched]

Any method that requires a lot of time will fail because you start to panic. So for you, something quick where you don't have to think about second chances or something that requires an impulse. If you feel yourself too panicky on one method, then that method may not be right for you.

It's true. I want this all to be over with. I'm really hurting.

 

[TiredHorse]

I'm so sorry, Retched.

 

[Retched]

I'm so sorry, Retched.

Thank you luv.