Venting Remember that feeling you'd get as a kid before a fun day?

[nopointinlivingg]

Like maybe a field trip at school, or a day at a theme park? Waking up in the morning and not being able to jump out of bed quickly enough. No worry, no anxiety, just pure excitement and joy. No thought given to what comes after, good or bad.

That's how I imagine my last day, the day I CTB will be. I haven't felt that feeling in so fucking long and I sit here and imagine, live in that moment's potential, and it feels so good. Stories of people who have followed through being unusually chipper in their final hours confirms it is possible.

Part of me thinks this in itself is one of my main motivators to CTB. Like bartering a day of happiness in exchange for my untimely end. But that is an innate contradiction, so I don't think too much about it.

Sorry for those whose lives were rough enough to not even have days like this as a child, hopefully I don't offend. I myself stopped experiencing joy after puberty but had a few good years of denial in there despite parental abuse.

 

[breezeboy]

Don't apologize. You don't have to be suffering 24/7 to just want to die.
Any reason is a good enough reason if it's what you want and you're capable to make such a decision.

But yes I know the feeling. I'd give anything to go back and wake up to one of those mornings.

However I think the feeling on my last day will be more like the mornings before I went to school where I knew I had did something bad the day before and would probably get called to the office.
That nervous anxiousness you feel in your stomach. It'd be like a bad stomachache for me and the whole day I would dread waiting to hear my name get called to the office.
It'll probably be more like that for me.

 

[nopointinlivingg]

Don't apologize. You don't have to be suffering 24/7 to just want to die.
Any reason is a good enough reason if it's what you want and you're capable to make such a decision.

But yes I know the feeling. I'd give anything to go back and wake up to one of those mornings.

However I think the feeling on my last day will be more like the mornings before I went to school where I knew I had did something bad the day before and would probably get called to the office.
That nervous anxiousness you feel in your stomach. It'd be like a bad stomachache for me and the whole day I would dread waiting to hear my name get called to the office.
It'll probably be more like that for me.

Don't get me wrong, def been suffering almost 24/7 ever since puberty, lol. Just a strange disconnect between now and being a child and the happiness I felt despite my situation not being majorly different. I guess just lessened cus it hadn't gotten as bad.

Sorry to hear you feel that way, it really sucks that a lot of us can't feel relief even in our final moments. I may end up feeling that way too. You deserve relief however you may get it.

 

[breezeboy]

Don't get me wrong, def been suffering almost 24/7 ever since puberty, lol. Just a strange disconnect between now and being a child and the happiness I felt despite my situation not being majorly different. I guess just lessened cus it hadn't gotten as bad.

Sorry to hear you feel that way, it really sucks that a lot of us can't feel relief even in our final moments. I may end up feeling that way too. You deserve relief however you may get it.

I hear that. Do you think puberty directly caused your suffering to be worse or just around that time it became worse?

And yeah for as long as I can remember my biggest question/fear in life has been what will happen to me when I die. Afterlife, reincarnation, nothingness, etc. I still don't have a clear answer just a couple of ideas I think could be possible.
So I just think I'm going to be extremely anxious when the day arrives.

And thank you! You deserve it as well and I hope when your time comes all goes well.

 

[nopointinlivingg]

I hear that. Do you think puberty directly caused your suffering to be worse or just around that time it became worse?

Both, honestly. Domestic violence and parental abuse/neglect really ramped up in my home around that time, coupled with the intense feelings of puberty.

 

[Shimidori]

I remember a long time ago, when I heard of a friend's friend committing suicide, and there was a sentence that, at the time, struck me as incredibly odd: during those last days she was alive, she was apparently the happiest she had been in years. Just like you describe it, it looked like a kid before a fun day, even though that fun day meant killing herself.

At the time, my suicidal thoughts were rather subdued, so it would take me a long time to begin understanding *why* would she be happy to die. But, thinking back about that? I still don't have a set date for my suicide, but the idea of finally having one, to know when I will exactly die, it instills upon me a certain sense of joy... A sense of finally having an answer to that pain, even if the answer means leaving everything behind.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Like maybe a field trip at school, or a day at a theme park? Waking up in the morning and not being able to jump out of bed quickly enough. No worry, no anxiety, just pure excitement and joy. No thought given to what comes after, good or bad.

That's how I imagine my last day, the day I CTB will be. I haven't felt that feeling in so fucking long and I sit here and imagine, live in that moment's potential, and it feels so good. Stories of people who have followed through being unusually chipper in their final hours confirms it is possible.

Part of me thinks this in itself is one of my main motivators to CTB. Like bartering a day of happiness in exchange for my untimely end. But that is an innate contradiction, so I don't think too much about it.

Sorry for those whose lives were rough enough to not even have days like this as a child, hopefully I don't offend. I myself stopped experiencing joy after puberty but had a few good years of denial in there despite parental abuse.

I think same sentiment for me.
After all's been said and done and I have my plans in place and all i doubt i'd be able to sleep the night before.
I think...like knowing myself i'd probably travel to the location early, then set everything up. Once done I'd probably fight with SI because im sure it's going to come up with different ways to stop me. My brain would probably start and think about mostly good stuff and remember good times, in an effort to make me think twice about what im about to do and how final it is.