eatantz
I luv dolls
- Nov 4, 2023
- 426
Another overdramatic vent:
The most amazing animals to ever exist ,after sharks, humans. No one can change my mind, humans are the coolest animals ever. Can a tiger create video games? Can jellyfish create the best album ever (Blue Banisters)? No, humans create the most beautiful things and destroy equally beautiful things. I was born to live in a human world surrounded by people everyday yet I'm an outcast trapped in my own fears and anxiety.
I think it's a cruel curse that I live in a society that focuses on social interaction, yet I have the inability to connect with people. I'm always envious of others.
I care what people think about me, I want to be liked but I'm so awful and off putting. I'm not saying this in a pathetic attention seeking way, I'm just being factual. I'm so desperate for people to accept me, I want to be wanted- a person people want to be friends with. I'm going to die with so much regret and longing. I just want to stand in a crowd of people who look at me like I'm a part of their group. I don't want to be an outcast.
I hate complaining about my autism but it's one of the main reasons for my suffering. I thought having autistic friends would make me feel normal, I thought I could connect with people like me. I was wrong. I find it even harder being friends with other autistics because they are even harder to understand than neurotypicals. I hate offending people and the older I get the more I fear confrontation.
I'm not the sort of person who can be happy with myself, family and friends. I crave validation from everyone I meet, because of this I'm always depressed since I'm not a likable person. There's no advice which can change me, therapy is empty since I'm aware of all my issues yet I can't fix them. How do you become someone you could never be? I would have to rewire my brain to be the person I want to be. A person who gets along with people easily (like my friends) someone people admire. I want to be someone who matters, but who I am now is irrelevant. I could die right now and only one person would shed a tear.
It's quite vain and egotistical to want people to mourn my death, but I'm selfish like that. I want someone to beg me to live because to them it matters. I want to impact someone's life, I want to be loved by people, I want a group of friends who like me.
I'm not friendless. In Fact i have many friends and make them quite easily. But I hate them all, or maybe I hate myself so much that everything I love seems awful. I would rather live a life lying for others to love me than be myself and live alone. I may have BPD but I go from loving people so much to despising them out of nowhere, I say awful things to people and run away. I'm scared of people hating me so I always try to destroy things before they can.
Many people talk about death like it's some great escape, but I know it's not. I doubt I can escape all the pain I've experienced in this world, I feel it will follow me forever.
There's no cure, besides a lobotomy, since all my issues are me. If I could feel nothing all my issues would be cured, to be neutral. I wish I didn't care, I've got too many emotions and a foolish mind. I hate being 18. It feels like I'm wasting my youth. I decided at 12 that I wouldn't make it past 30 and I intend to keep that promise.
The most amazing animals to ever exist ,after sharks, humans. No one can change my mind, humans are the coolest animals ever. Can a tiger create video games? Can jellyfish create the best album ever (Blue Banisters)? No, humans create the most beautiful things and destroy equally beautiful things. I was born to live in a human world surrounded by people everyday yet I'm an outcast trapped in my own fears and anxiety.
I think it's a cruel curse that I live in a society that focuses on social interaction, yet I have the inability to connect with people. I'm always envious of others.
I care what people think about me, I want to be liked but I'm so awful and off putting. I'm not saying this in a pathetic attention seeking way, I'm just being factual. I'm so desperate for people to accept me, I want to be wanted- a person people want to be friends with. I'm going to die with so much regret and longing. I just want to stand in a crowd of people who look at me like I'm a part of their group. I don't want to be an outcast.
I hate complaining about my autism but it's one of the main reasons for my suffering. I thought having autistic friends would make me feel normal, I thought I could connect with people like me. I was wrong. I find it even harder being friends with other autistics because they are even harder to understand than neurotypicals. I hate offending people and the older I get the more I fear confrontation.
I'm not the sort of person who can be happy with myself, family and friends. I crave validation from everyone I meet, because of this I'm always depressed since I'm not a likable person. There's no advice which can change me, therapy is empty since I'm aware of all my issues yet I can't fix them. How do you become someone you could never be? I would have to rewire my brain to be the person I want to be. A person who gets along with people easily (like my friends) someone people admire. I want to be someone who matters, but who I am now is irrelevant. I could die right now and only one person would shed a tear.
It's quite vain and egotistical to want people to mourn my death, but I'm selfish like that. I want someone to beg me to live because to them it matters. I want to impact someone's life, I want to be loved by people, I want a group of friends who like me.
I'm not friendless. In Fact i have many friends and make them quite easily. But I hate them all, or maybe I hate myself so much that everything I love seems awful. I would rather live a life lying for others to love me than be myself and live alone. I may have BPD but I go from loving people so much to despising them out of nowhere, I say awful things to people and run away. I'm scared of people hating me so I always try to destroy things before they can.
Many people talk about death like it's some great escape, but I know it's not. I doubt I can escape all the pain I've experienced in this world, I feel it will follow me forever.
There's no cure, besides a lobotomy, since all my issues are me. If I could feel nothing all my issues would be cured, to be neutral. I wish I didn't care, I've got too many emotions and a foolish mind. I hate being 18. It feels like I'm wasting my youth. I decided at 12 that I wouldn't make it past 30 and I intend to keep that promise.
