Discussion Relationships and virginity 👦👧

[:)0=]

In my country (Ukraine), despite folklore traditions, nobody cares about virginity in marriages. Furthermore, virginity almost always perceived like disadvantage (something like lack of experience). In best cases relationships are perceived like partnership, so you can "love" and "be loved" dozens of times in your life. )

According to my experience it's impossible to find pretty virgin girl over for example 20 years old.

And what about you? What are you thinking about virginity in marriages or simple relationships? Is this completely unimportant to you? And please indicate which country or part of world you are from.

As for me, I think that love must/can be only one for both (man and woman). Not because of religion views or something like that... I just feel so. And this is part of my life tragedy. :) I always thought that if my partner for example will die earlier and I can't live without her, I always can CTB and it will be right for me.

 

[whywere]

I am in the U.S.

As long as either sex, male or female has not had a billion partners, not being a virgin at marriage or lifelong common marriage (no vows or anything like) is fine.

I was raised back in the 1960's that if one was not a virgin upon marriage one would be shoveling coal in hell forever. HOWEVER, for many partnerships are about intelligence and personality overall not whether the person has their v card or not.

I was married once and I was not a virgin when I got married, I guess I can blame a blonde, blue eyed German gal for that! HA, HA, NOT being derogatory against ladies at all, as it takes two pairs of boots, I was just trying to give a smile to folks here is all on that aspect about the gal.

Walter

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

Virginity is a bullshit concept that doesn't matter to me.

 

[:)0=]

Virginity is a bullshit concept that doesn't matter to me.

I envy you. :)

 

[Forever Sleep]

I was raised in a very prudish way- no sex before marriage. Sex has pretty much become marriage in my head. So, for me personally- it's a very emotional and emotionally binding act. I've largely gone off religion but, I still associate sex with something serious rather than something casual. I'm not judging what other people want to do though. Each to their own- so long as they aren't hurting anyone.

As for a potential partner, I imagine they would have had sex by now! I'm in my mid 40's! It probably wouldn't have mattered if I loved them and felt they were committed to me. I'm settled on being single now though.

I agree though. I don't think virginity is seen as a hugely positive quality now. It's more embarassing proof that no one wanted you. I used to care somewhat but, I don't now. I know that sleeping around, even sleeping with some of the guys I had a massive crush on (if I'd had the chance) would likely have ended in my heartbreak. I'm actually grateful for my upbringing that I spared myself all that.

I still think there's a sexism aspect to it too. I imagine virginity is still more highly sought after in women but- why? Are men expected to know what they're doing so, they feel they need the practice? Or, is it some weird posession thing? They don't like the thought that 'their' woman has been with other men? Maybe that they have men or, multiple men to compare them to? That could be said for the woman too I guess. It's still shitty though that women get labelled whores but men are considered a bit of a lad.

I'm from the UK but I wouldn't say my views are typical. I'm a generation behind pretty much because my Grandma did the bulk of my raising. Most people here do seem to have sex early on and/ or before marriage.

 

[Dejected 55]

Virginity is funny in the USA. Women are often seen as "used up" the more they have sex, and this is not just men's opinions but women will also judge other women harshly for having a lot of sexual partners. Flipping it around, though... for men you are seen as broken and unworthy the less (or none) sex you have... and again, it is men AND women who will judge a man harshly for having very little to no sex.

It kind of makes no sense how backwards that is... especially when you figure that the only way for the men to get all that sexual experience would be having sex with women... and the men would be praised while the woman labeled sluts... it's crazy how society judges people.

Now, that said, on an individual basis? I think it's fine to have a personal preference for whatever the reason. It doesn't give you the right to be cruel or insulting, but you certainly have every right to choose a partner based on too much or too little experience in your mind. Nobody owes anyone anything, so you can be rejected OR reject others for any reason.

 

[PI3.14]

Now I understand women being virgin, but the concept of virginity for men is actually funny, and I'm saying this as a virgin man. It doesn't matter to me at all. In today's age, you can easily, in most places, lose your virginity as a guy if you're so obsessed with that.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

It never mattered to me - I never even thought about it growing up. I lost my virginity to a girl who'd had sex before, and I've never been with a virgin since then either. These days the virginity thing has been played up by incels and far right individuals who don't have the best grasp on how the world works. I think it's healthiest for everyone to make it as much of a non-issue as possible, whether it's your own virginity, or that of a partner.

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

I've talked to enough people to know that I have no choice but to care about "body count" and or any form of sexual contact though I do consider myself acesexual though Idc if people wanna enjoy themselves safely if that's there thrill, and random but i have never slept with any of my partners and guess what they all left e for it, one came back into my life just to I think SA me for that "opportunity" who knows, it was there birthday and even if I say no what does it matter,, not to anyone but the one desiring that kinda thing, and suddenly your not your own anymore your someone else's.,, disgusting,, I find the fetishization of virginity appalling how we deem humans worth and hold them on a pedestal based on how "pure" or untouched that women is, because most of the time, majority of the time,, it apparently takes away a women's worth but not a man after 5/10 bodies.
I'd agree and say personally I'd want to only be with someone physically if necessary if I loved them, truly,, and there sexual experience has nothing to do with love.

 

[:)0=]

Thank you all for participation in thread.

I almost totally can relate to Forever Sleep. Sex in my head it is something holy. But I don't know where I got this. It's not because of my upbringing or my surroundings.

Back when I still had acquaintances to talk to, they looked at me with big eyes. And I don't know anyone with the same views. That's why I asked about this here.

It would be interesting to know how many percent of people in western societies have same views.

As Forever Sleep said, I'm not judging no one for what they want to do as long as they aren't hurting anyone. But it would be cool to know that there is someone like you. :)

 

[Cauliflour]

I find the fetishization of virginity appalling how we deem humans worth and hold them on a pedestal based on how "pure" or untouched that women is, because most of the time, majority of the time,, it apparently takes away a women's worth but not a man after 5/10 bodies.

It's making me a bit anxious about being a virgin woman cause I'm in that age zone where the creeps like to be weird and it makes me feel a bit icky that I'm "untouched" and "pure" like I'm some child that's never heard of pornography before.

Sex in my head it is something holy.

Sex in my head is a step up from how a lot of people nowadays seem to see it, and it's like this deep bond of love to show that the connection is strong enough to make it to the next stage. I don't think I'm explaining this well but I've never understood the "have sex on the 3rd date" tradition as surely that's not enough time to properly judge if this is someone worth your time in the long run and thus worth making the genital exchange. Like, sex can lead to diseases and pregnancy and all sorts of emotional stuff. It's not something that should be treated so lightly. To me I see it as like the 3rd stage in a relationship. You got the meeting, the asking out, the first sex, the proposal and then the wedding. I don't think people should marry as virgins as something that important in a relationship (not including the asexuals) should be tested out in the trial grounds first before the legally binding paperwork.

Personally I would be a pain in the ass to date because I'm so paranoid about people using me or me accidentally emotionally hurting them or y'know, the whole suicidal thing which I really shouldn't tell someone but I don't think I would be able to get very far in stage 2 having to keep this constant guilt on my back. It's the scars, I have all these self harm scars on my arms that I know damn well I can't organically cover up during sex but I don't want sexy times to turn into a therapy session that ends with them saying "you're insane" and then leaving. Suppose it doesn't matter anyway considering every god damn girl I have a crush on is taken. Sorry, I'm getting a bit too self centered here. I think at least a year before the sex bit is a good amount of time to judge if the emotional and physical investment is worth your time but also this is coming from someone who tried asking out a girl with a whiteboard rubber (eraser not a condom, Americans) so what would I know about sex?

Virginity is funny in the USA. Women are often seen as "used up" the more they have sex, and this is not just men's opinions but women will also judge other women harshly for having a lot of sexual partners. Flipping it around, though... for men you are seen as broken and unworthy the less (or none) sex you have... and again, it is men AND women who will judge a man harshly for having very little to no sex.

It's weird cause from a pretentious natural standpoint, wouldn't it make more sense for it to be the other way 'round? Like idk people assume the dick stops working if it goes in too many holes or something cause of the motions and women being more valued for having a body count because before contraceptives, an indication of worth was birthing strong babies so like theoretically, it would be like sharing her strong DNA. Why is it the other way around? Sexism is stupid. Also how can men have a big body count if women have to remain "pure"? Who are the men fucking? Each other?

I don't think virginity is seen as a hugely positive quality now. It's more embarassing proof that no one wanted you.

In my case it's an indication that I'm shit with girls. I don't know how people can do it so smoothy and end up in new relationships a week after the previous one ended. Also virgins have no experience and sex is like exercise but more fun so if you're not good at it then it's not gonna be as fun so naturally after a certain age, it starts being a drawback. Makes me worried I'm gonna reach the point where I'm too late and everyone are experts and I'm still stuck on step 1 and so nobody will bother with me.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

It's making me a bit anxious about being a virgin woman cause I'm in that age zone where the creeps like to be weird and it makes me feel a bit icky that I'm "untouched" and "pure" like I'm some child that's never heard of pornography before.

Yeah, it's a gross power trip for some. I've sexted guys before and some of them would get really excited when they found out I was a virgin. While none of them were mean or anything, it was creepy how some of them reacted to me being a virgin.

 

[fallendevil]

Virginity is a dumb concept and it doesn't make or break someone's worth, but I do believe that sex is an energy ritual and I don't believe in doing it casually, I mean you can if you want though.

I think that it feels better when you do it with someone you trust and care about, not just a partner but it could be a friend.

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

It's making me a bit anxious about being a virgin woman cause I'm in that age zone where the creeps like to be weird and it makes me feel a bit icky that I'm "untouched" and "pure" like I'm some child that's never heard of pornography before.

Sex in my head is a step up from how a lot of people nowadays seem to see it, and it's like this deep bond of love to show that the connection is strong enough to make it to the next stage. I don't think I'm explaining this well but I've never understood the "have sex on the 3rd date" tradition as surely that's not enough time to properly judge if this is someone worth your time in the long run and thus worth making the genital exchange. Like, sex can lead to diseases and pregnancy and all sorts of emotional stuff. It's not something that should be treated so lightly. To me I see it as like the 3rd stage in a relationship. You got the meeting, the asking out, the first sex, the proposal and then the wedding. I don't think people should marry as virgins as something that important in a relationship (not including the asexuals) should be tested out in the trial grounds first before the legally binding paperwork.

Personally I would be a pain in the ass to date because I'm so paranoid about people using me or me accidentally emotionally hurting them or y'know, the whole suicidal thing which I really shouldn't tell someone but I don't think I would be able to get very far in stage 2 having to keep this constant guilt on my back. It's the scars, I have all these self harm scars on my arms that I know damn well I can't organically cover up during sex but I don't want sexy times to turn into a therapy session that ends with them saying "you're insane" and then leaving. Suppose it doesn't matter anyway considering every god damn girl I have a crush on is taken. Sorry, I'm getting a bit too self centered here. I think at least a year before the sex bit is a good amount of time to judge if the emotional and physical investment is worth your time but also this is coming from someone who tried asking out a girl with a whiteboard rubber (eraser not a condom, Americans) so what would I know about sex?

It's weird cause from a pretentious natural standpoint, wouldn't it make more sense for it to be the other way 'round? Like idk people assume the dick stops working if it goes in too many holes or something cause of the motions and women being more valued for having a body count because before contraceptives, an indication of worth was birthing strong babies so like theoretically, it would be like sharing her strong DNA. Why is it the other way around? Sexism is stupid. Also how can men have a big body count if women have to remain "pure"? Who are the men fucking? Each other?

In my case it's an indication that I'm shit with girls. I don't know how people can do it so smoothy and end up in new relationships a week after the previous one ended. Also virgins have no experience and sex is like exercise but more fun so if you're not good at it then it's not gonna be as fun so naturally after a certain age, it starts being a drawback. Makes me worried I'm gonna reach the point where I'm too late and everyone are experts and I'm still stuck on step 1 and so nobody will bother with me.

Yea it's fucking disgusting,, can't say I had a choice as a child not like some people get to choose how long they don't have sex for, but what am I saying,, that wasn't sex,, it was, wrong,,, I'm really uncomfortable with sexual shit but can't be repulsed by it when talking to ppl irl because I guess repulsion completely and your seen like some prude or just crazy,, because "everyone has sex tho"
"everyone wants to"
Bs
Bs
Bs,, I didn't consider what happened as a kid to taint me or at least I attempted to by claiming to myself and others I was a virgin when in fact I wasn't but how can a teenager who's getting asked by a bunch of stuck up wannabe tough guys and say I'm not and not have them interpret me as some "slut" "whore" "used up" "ran through" "unclean" "tainted" " not wifey material" how could I say I wasn't a virgin because if I didn't and I said I wasn't and didn't explain why and how I'd be labeled a whore, and there's no way around it,, then I find someone I don't want to do anything but that wasn't a choice they don't remember or claim not to saying they had a dream that they did bad things to me but because they are nice to me,,, you know what I said

"no no no don't cry you'd never do anything like that it was only a dream you didn't do that---ect"

I'm a little boozed up rn so if this rant went way off topic ignore me

 

[:)0=]

not just a partner but it could be a friend.

In my stupid conception love is based on friendship. :)

 

[Aloneandinpain]

Virginity is funny in the USA. Women are often seen as "used up" the more they have sex, and this is not just men's opinions but women will also judge other women harshly for having a lot of sexual partners. Flipping it around, though... for men you are seen as broken and unworthy the less (or none) sex you have... and again, it is men AND women who will judge a man harshly for having very little to no sex.

Judging women for having a lot of partners might seem harsh but there does seem to be some science/logic behind it.

The number of previous partners a woman has had massively inversely correlates with their loyalty to their current partner and ability to have a stable long term relationship.

People might argue the same applies to men, but the pattern just isn't the same, plus even promiscuous men can successfully settle down eventually and have long term relationships. With women the evidence indicates that (on average), most are simply so much less able to pair-bond once they've had a large number of partners.

Conversely, if a woman has had very few partners then the chances are she'll be loyal.

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

Judging women for having a lot of partners might seem harsh but there does seem to be some science/logic behind it.

The number of previous partners a woman has had massively inversely correlates with their loyalty to their current partner and ability to have a stable long term relationship.

People might argue the same applies to men, but the pattern just isn't the same, plus even promiscuous men can successfully settle down eventually and have long term relationships. With women the evidence indicates that (on average), most are simply so much less able to pair-bond once they've had a large number of partners.

Conversely, if a woman has had very few partners then the chances are she'll be loyal.

I mean your overlooking the complex interplay of individual psychology,, but in reality Prior relationship experiences negative or traumatic past relationships bs regardless of the number of partners, can impact an individual's ability to trust and form secure attachments, Several studies, particularly those analyzed by sociologists, indicate that women with a higher number of premarital or lifetime sexual partners tend to report lower marital satisfaction and higher rates of divorce. This pattern has been observed for decades and why wouldn't they women are supposed to be perfect, but with my poor use of the English language and it's grammer your Pair-Bonding hypothesis and yea theories suggest that "pair-bonding" (the ability to form strong, lasting emotional attachments with a partner) can be affected by the number of sexual partners, particularly for women but doesn't make it correct but you can choose what you want to believe though pair-bonding is recognized in neuroscience its I guess an application to human sexual history and its specific impact on female ability to bond in long-term relationships, distinctly from men, is highly debated and lacks conclusive, universally accepted scientific proof and manyy researchers and psychologists consider this hypothesis to be an oversimplification or a misinterpretation of complex human psychology,
especially when some analyses do find that a higher number of premarital or lifetime sexual partners is associated with lower marital satisfaction and higher divorce rates for men as well, it's not factual information just as yours isn't but it doesn't mean there's no truth to it entirely BUTTT factors that's okay into those theories could most definitely be because of the lack of understanding when it comes to women's health, research has often been heavily concentrated on reproductive health and stuff like pregnancy an contraceptives,gynecological conditions and more often times at the expense of other areas of women's health, or how general health conditions manifest differently in women like
Man male-centric studies were often generalized to women, despite significant biological differences in hormones, metabolism, immune responses, and disease presentation,, you don't need to agree with me and just ignore me if you'd rather but common reproductive health was so crucial it meant that other aspects of women's health like cardiovascular disease, neurological conditions and mental health beyond postpartum depression were often less explored in the context of sex specific differences.

Anyhow,, I'm really shit with having controversial conversations and I tried pretty hard to convey myself the best I could so I'll just leave it there.

 

[whywere]

As far as how many partners a woman OR man has had, and that is a factor in regard to them being "loyal", a HUGE factor is this: we are ALL the same, HOWEVER, everyone's brain, emotional, physical, everything is still unique upon the person. We are ALL human BUT we ALL have our own way of thinking, acting everything.

Being older, I have through the decades met guys and gals who have had their v cards and others who have had multiple partners.

Some guys who had a lot of one-night stands, when the right, for them, gal came along, BANG, they were smiting with her, and they stopped putting notches on their belts. I have seen guys who had their v card and for them found out what sex was all about and went crazy, having flings with any and every gal they could find.

Same with gals, I can remember back in the 1970's and early 1980's meeting gals who had a lot of experience, read partners, and others who did not. Some, like the guys, continued having multiple partners and others settled down with one, when the right one for them came along, other words their personalities and everything clicked, it did not matter much if at all if they, both guys and gals on this one, had their v card or multiple partners.

It was when something clicked that made/wanted them to pair up with one guy or gal.

For me 1st off, to single gals out and not guys as far as number of partners and loyalty goes is wrong, as I have seen the same for BOTH.

Humans are unique upon themselves, and one cannot just single out not only the sex of the person, but other factors either, as like with life, a lot of things are the roll of the dice.

Walter

 

[Dejected 55]

One must remember too that our psychological diagnoses of "why" men are one way and women are another and whatever "evolution" means to that... is all based on analysis of ourselves and based on very limited information given the longevity we know of human-kind. By which I mean, when we claim to "know" that women are a certain way or men are a certain way because "biology" or because "history" we don't really know. There are always lots of factors.

I've mentioned elsewhere and before... go back in history to a time when most outside royalty/leadership were poor and you find overweight men and women to be the most attractive. Why? Because most people didn't have enough to eat... so anyone who had so much to eat that they became overweight must be wealthy! But then there became a shift as society became more survivable even at poverty levels... and overweight is seen as gluttonous and less attractive by many. But there's no clear evolutionary advantage for fat vs non-fat people... since it's a sliding "scale" so to speak... and everyone can technically be skinny or fat and some people are both multiple times in their lives.

Also, we talk about women wanting to be "safe" and "secure" but what does that mean? In modern times women can and often provide for themselves, so "safety" and "security" to them means something different than it did back in the times when there was more danger on average. For that matter, in today's world if you live in a war-torn country with constant threats, the need for feeling "safe" is quite a different thing than if you grew up middle class and well-off in a safer part of the world.

The virginity thing is always suspect to me, for the reasons people try and attribute. Some say a woman being a virgin makes it more likely that her kids are yours, but why? Maybe you keeping her safe and fed makes her more available to other men when you are not around? There was always the old story about the mailman or milkman who was there every day while the man was gone for weeks at a time working... so marry a virgin, but you're not there as much but you've made her feel safe and now she can "explore." But IF you were with a woman that wasn't a virgin, maybe she appreciated you more because she's seen how other men treat her and she values you even when you aren't around because she knows you are working to keep her safe.

What does "experience" even mean? I mean, I get the idea as a man of not wanting to imagine your woman with someone else. But if you marry her as a virgin, aren't you still going to fear that anyway? You value her, aren't other men going to see her value as well? Isn't she going to be tempted? Perhaps even moreso if you are the only man she has experienced.

There's just no way to map out these arbitrary things for people in an ever-changing world based on conjecture. The same woman when she is happy might make different decisions than when she is not. A poor woman wants an improved life, A wealthy woman already has that. But are they otherwise different? There are lots of stories of couples getting married and one or the other improves their position in life through the marriage and then wants "more" than their partner is offering even though that partner is why they are where they are now.

And with all this, we claim to be intelligent animals... so either we are intelligent and can make better decisions in life and our partners OR we are animals who choose their partners much more consistently. As humans, we do neither. We don't follow all our animalistic instincts and we don't follow logic or intelligent.

It's all a crapshoot and some of us just don't seem to belong.