Venting Relationship trauma ruined me further in the worst way

[SanguineShark]

I already had severely low self-esteem caused by my abusive father who never loved me, he left me with this deep and painful emptiness inside, not being loved enough to be able building self-worth. I was bullied in school, causing me to assume everyone hates me, as it was true for years of my life, and because of all this, I'd struggle to believe I'm lovable, I saw myself as worthless and a burden to everyone, an annoyance.
Aside from obvious therapy + meds + will to live that could help me out of that hole, I think meeting someone who would genuinely love me and care about me would be helpful in that journey. I yearned to find love because I needed someone who'd be both my motivation to be better and someone that could help me out during the worst moments.
I managed to get into a relationship a year ago, but after a few weeks, when we first met irl, the person just started ghosting me and changing topic, I had daily panic attacks bc of so many obvious signs they don't love me anymore. I even wrote here during that time. I almost commited suicide because of that person. They broke up with me and it made me feel so unlovable and worthless, overthinking what I did irl to make them stop loving me, it drove me insane for months. Turns out they just entered a new relationship too soon, I was a rebound.

This year, I had another person "fall in love" with me, my reaction day after their confession was a gigantic mental breakdown, very clearly caused by the PTSD I had after that last relationship. As time passed, this person became more and more controlling, eventually becoming full on abusive. They'd put the responsibility of calming them down on me, and if I didn;t word it with exact wording that they wanted to hear, I'd get snapped at. They yelled at me, guilt tripped me and overall just emotionally abused me.
What I hate the most I think, is that I was better before meeting them. I have worse issues because of them now.

I'm convinced that if anyone would confess their love to me next, I'd start planning suicide. This person successfully made me fear love so fucking much, while I'm also still a victim of not being loved. Will I ever get fucking better if now I know for a fact I'm just unlovable ? This person didn't love me, they just saw how much of a perfect victim I am for their manipulation.
I'm crying again, I hate my life, how the fuck do I keep having more and more trauma while also still being abused by my family I live with. It feels like I will never be safe with anyone.

 

[Manfrotto99]

You are not unlovable. This is not a fact, though I realise this is how you are feeling. I too feel the same way, for very similar reasons and I hear myself telling myself that I must be unlovable, unworthy of love, not good enough, all the time. This is not true though and it is not a fact, it's just our way of trying to reason and make sense of things. You proberbly are a very sensitive, empathetic, kind, caring gentle soul who very much deserves to be loved, that is proberbly why you attract people who abuse and reject you, because they see these qualities in you that they want. Then they become jealous when they realise they don't have them in themselves and they try to take them from you to make themselves feel better. Nurture them and don't let these people take them away. I wish you luck and I think if you did come across someone with the ability to love you back in the way you love, then you won't feel the need to ctb.

 

[SanguineShark]

You are not unlovable. This is not a fact, though I realise this is how you are feeling. I too feel the same way, for very similar reasons and I hear myself telling myself that I must be unlovable, unworthy of love, not good enough, all the time. This is not true though and it is not a fact, it's just our way of trying to reason and make sense of things. You proberbly are a very sensitive, empathetic, kind, caring gentle soul who very much deserves to be loved, that is proberbly why you attract people who abuse and reject you, because they see these qualities in you that they want. Then they become jealous when they realise they don't have them in themselves and they try to take them from you to make themselves feel better. Nurture them and don't let these people take them away. I wish you luck and I think if you did come across someone with the ability to love you back in the way you love, then you won't feel the need to ctb.

Aw you almost made me cry;; tysm I appreciate it