Relationship breakup - borderline personality disorder ruined both of us

[JassieDusk]

I had the most loving bf, the most caring, pure soul, childish, innocent. Well, we met when I was practicing Islam before I got tired of it and left after two years of converting. He is a born Muslim and told me many times he can't picture himself with a non believer. It's his fear of hell holding him back, as he said. Yet he didn't mention leaving me until last night.

I got high on various drugs not even knowing what I was taking. Videocalled him in that state and scared the shit out of him. It's not the first time I was doing this. He mentioned living in endless fear of getting a call like that from me again. Not to mention being very open about my suicidality. Yesterday he said he can't take it anymore. His sugar dropped from stress after my call. He said he can take anything if I convert to Islam. I told him I cannot force myself to believe in something I don't. That's it then, he said. I begged. Oh god how much I begged him not to leave. I was choking on my own vomit, not being able to see in front of me.

BPD attachment is no joke. I made a foul out of myself and out of him aswell. I am trying to tell myself it's not my fault, and it's not his either. I never felt such pain in my life, physical pain. Caused by just a few words of a boy I was with for 6 months. I cannot imagine making it through a day without calling him at the end. Everything will remind me of him. I feel as if my soul is being ripped apart. I just can't let go. Rationally thinking, I should. This doesn't work. It's the disorder speaking, not me. I am harming both of us. Why can't this pain just stop. I never realized until now how alone I actually am without him. I have no one

 

[SASU-KE]

I feel that you made a choice on your own to leave and it should be respected.
That being said,his reaction is typical.

Still, I can see how important he is to you. Maybe you could talk to him again?What you're going through sounds brutal, I'm sorry.

 

[JassieDusk]

I feel that you made a choice on your own to leave and it should be respected.
That being said,his reaction is typical.

Still, I can see how important he is to you. Maybe you could talk to him again?What you're going through sounds brutal, I'm sorry.

Thank you I didn't make a choice to leave, he did. Actually we should leave each other alone. But I can't think rationally. I don't think it's about him mattering to me, it's about my disorder not letting me think rationally in these type of situations and making a fool out of myself.
My body goes into panic mode as soon as I feel abandonment approaching

 

[SASU-KE]

I didn't make a choice to leave, he did.

Oh no, I was talking about your choice to leave Islam. I feel his choice to leave the relationship was way too abrupt. Especially since he never brought it up before. And yeah, I've known people with your disorder before, and it's very tough on them.It's not your fault of course, just unfair circumstances.

I'm not a big fan of Islam myself. I'm not a fan of any religion, but least of all that one. Nothing against the people who follow the religion. They are mostly born into it or indoctrinated . But the tenets and teachings of Islam I'm just not keen on.

 

[JassieDusk]

Oh no, I was talking about your choice to leave Islam. I feel his choice to leave the relationship was way too abrupt. Especially since he never brought it up before. And yeah, I've known people with your disorder before, and it's very tough on them.It's not your fault of course, just unfair circumstances.

I'm not a big fan of Islam myself. I'm not a fan of any religion, but least of all that one. Nothing against the people who follow the religion. They are mostly born into it or indoctrinated . But the tenets and teachings of Islam I'm just not keen on.

Same. I despise every religion especially Islam. That's why the two of us can't be in a relationship long time. To follow a religion you have to support/defend slavery, misogyny, war, rape and so on or cherry pick ignoring all the bad parts. I had a convo with him the other day how my heart breaks for women in Afghanistan and he started to defend the taliban regime saying they are "protecting them" by forcing niqab onto them.
Crazy how a religion can brainwash someone into being so scared of hell that he doesn't even dare to touch me anymore since I admitted to leaving Islam. I morn what kind of a person he would be without religion

 

[SASU-KE]

Same. I despise every religion especially Islam. That's why the two of us can't be in a relationship long time.

There was a girl who was perfect for me at one point of time. My parents also liked her a lot. The problem was she was religious. My mother is also especially religious. So she liked her especially. Me, on the other hand, headed for the hills . Never regretted that decision. Religious people and their fanaticism is just scary.
Can't be going to church on Sundays either. I need to relax on the weekends

To follow a religion you have to support/defend slavery, misogyny, war, rape and so on or cherry pick ignoring all the bad parts. I had a convo with him the other day how my heart breaks for women in Afghanistan and he started to defend the taliban regime saying they are "protecting them" by forcing niqab onto them.

Yeah, the thing I dislike most about Islam is that treatment of women. I don't understand it. The stuff that's going on in Afghanistan and some of these other Islamic countries is just horrific.

Crazy how a religion can brainwash someone into being so scared of hell that he doesn't even dare to touch me anymore since I admitted to leaving Islam. I morn what kind of a person he would be without religion

Imagine a simple thing. If he was born in another household, he would have simply adopted that religion. It's just a silly construct that has no real value. I won't choose religion over people. It's just another way for certain people to Lord over others saying 'god wills it'.

 

[JassieDusk]

There was a girl who was perfect for me at one point of time. My parents also liked her a lot. The problem was she was religious. My mother is also especially religious. So she liked her especially. Me, on the other hand, headed for the hills . Never regretted that decision. Religious people and their fanaticism is just scary.
Can't be going to church on Sundays either. I need to relax on the weekends


Yeah, the thing I dislike most about Islam is that treatment of women. I don't understand it. The stuff that's going on in Afghanistan and some of these other Islamic countries is just horrific.

Imagine a simple thing. If he was born in another household, he would have simply adopted that religion. It's just a silly construct that has no real value. I won't choose religion over people. It's just another way for certain people to Lord over others saying 'god wills it'.

You're right. An overly religious person and an atheist just doesn't work. It's a huge difference. I cannot understand his world as well as he can't understand mine. I just wish with all my heart he'll wake up one day as someone totally different regarding religion because it's just so hard to let go not just because of him but because he's the only person I talk to in day to day life. I am truly alone without him.
But on the other hand he'd support my murder (for being a disbeliever- khafir) if he wouldn't know me so…can religious people have their own identity outside of religion..? Smh