Venting Relapsing after 6 months clean (CW: SH)

[birdofafeather]

I'm a person with a few addictions; the main ones are alcohol and self harm.
My alcohol addictive became life consuming when I stopped harming. To be clear: I didn't stop harming because I was getting better. On the contrary, I was getting a lot worse, and out of fear of being noticed and sent to a psych ward, or losing the few people I have left due to my disgusting scars and mental issues, I stopped harming, and let alcohol take the brunt of my mental issues.
It's been 6 months since I harmed. And it's been a shitty 6 months, both in terms of life events, and just general bullshit that comes with 11 years of being suicidal. And today, I had a conversation with someone. It should have made me happy, because it was the first conversation I've had in about a month that hasn't been an argument (I know, I'm the problem most likely, but I do not have the energy to fix that). Well, it didn't. I left it feeling emptier and lonelier than when it started, and I pulled the blades out the pouch, disinfected it, gave myself 6 clean slashes on the shoulder, each one slightly deeper than the last, put the blade away and cleaned myself up.
I don't feel disappointed, funnily enough. I broke a clean streak that's lasted half a year and I literally could not care less. In fact, as I was doing it, I felt far more comfort than any mental health services and suicide hotlines (and all the other bullshit that is supposed to help) have made me feel in the entirety of the time I've been clean. It was like an old friend that I lost. Suddenly, for a short and beautiful moment, my mind went quiet. I felt a peace I haven't felt in ages.
But the downside is, while I don't feel0 disgusting for doing it, I feel disgusting for not being disappointed. I feel like there's something wrong with me for being relieved I'm self harming again. And it's gnawing at me. I will always feel wrong. I will always feel othered. But now it just feels like I'm losing my mind. Which is ironic, given I'm suicidal, and just want to fully self destruct, this should be normal for me. But it isn't. Because where's my grief over the lost clean streak? Where's my guilt for breaking it? Why don't I have these thoughts and feelings I'm supposed to feel?

 

[aitouka]

No one is 'supposed' to feel anything. You feel what you feel, and there are no 'wrong' emotions. It's hard being clean, there's a reason why it's called an addiction. Trying to find a healthy coping mechanism in place of alcohol or SH is difficult, I know, but really - try everything! You might not have the energy to, as I'm like that as well, but slowly by slowly, please try to open yourself up to more things, whether that be art or sports or music or any hobbies/simply any subjects you would like. When you find something you love, that will become your coping mechanism. And hopefully you will feel better, and no, there are no wrong emotions. You are not wrong for not feeling disgusted or not feeling guilt. Congratulations though, you maintained a half-year clean streak! That is difficult to do, so you've done well. It's ok that you've broken it, staying clean is so hard. Just try to explore further in terms of coping mechanisms. Good luck, and we're here for you.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Personally I haven't cut in a while but I don't have any negative feelings about it whatsoever. And yes it does help more than all the conventional crap they recommend (a fact they're loath to acknowledge). Sure, there are pragmatic reasons not to do it such as avoiding cosmetic problems (scars) and the interpersonal problems that come with those reasons don't translate to me per se having a negative opinion about it. It's okay if you approach it the same way.

I think it's okay if your streak was broken. It's just a number. Saying you're back at 0 misses all the work you out in between then and now that can't be so easily negated.