Venting Relapses followed by ellipses...

[Cinnabun1112]

(This is something I wrote within the first year of my journey with mental illness) let me know if you relate

Relapses followed by ellipses ...

...what do I do?
...why do I feel lost?
...why do I feel overwhelmed?
...why do I feel lazy?
...why do I feel like I don't enough time?
...why do I feel lonely when I hug myself?
...why do I feel lost when I'm found?
...why do I feel so alone?
...why do I miss those lost?
...why do I feel as if I ruin every relationship I am in?

Am I truly an alien of sorts. A magnificent creature not of this world? Who would've thought it'd be so lonely. I'm trying to be stronger than I feel I am. I am trying to let go of self medication. I am trying to prove myself but why do I always feel I am behind or misunderstood? Why do I keep looking for validation I'm not getting and why does it all hurt? Why can't I sleep? Why do I always expect to have all the answers? I'm trying to run to things that once helped. Talk to people that once helped but there's no reliability. I cannot rely. Very few people I can rely on. But why does sadness always fill my heart and put my mind to a halt? I cant. But I promised myself I would never say I can't again. I can and I will. One step at a time. I'd just like to smoke a cigarette and be alone. I want to starve myself but I am not doing well so I just say, "well let's try tomorrow" is forgiving myself too much a block on actually moving forward? Am I just a codependent melancholy story? Why do I see connections that others don't feel? Why am I hated? Why do hurt people hurt people? Why am I just as bad?

 

[pole]

i feel the same way alot. question why this happens a certain way, why me? i honestly just think its bad luck and/or some destiny. i really believe some people were destined to go through hardship, maybe cause they did something in a past life and who they were then, or just cause there suppose to be.

me asking these questions, and EXPECTING for things to happen, good things to happen is what leads to my heartaches. When i expect someone to be there, for this and that to come true, to hope and believe. And when i do, is when im stuck with asking these questions to myself in the end of it.

iv just stopped expecting and hoping for things to happen.

 

[Cinnabun1112]

i feel the same way alot. question why this happens a certain way, why me? i honestly just think its bad luck and/or some destiny. i really believe some people were destined to go through hardship, maybe cause they did something in a past life and who they were then, or just cause there suppose to be.

me asking these questions, and EXPECTING for things to happen, good things to happen is what leads to my heartaches. When i expect someone to be there, for this and that to come true, to hope and believe. And when i do, is when im stuck with asking these questions to myself in the end of it.

iv just stopped expecting and hoping for things to happen.

Exactly and it's so sad that we do, but I'm just glad you could relate. That means a ton. It makes it apparent that we who suffer from this seemingly endless emotional, mental, and physical pain are deep, (usually) caring individuals. I studied Religion in college and have many times thought that I must have had the meanest previous life with the worst karma and came into this world again to pay my dues.

 

[pole]

Exactly and it's so sad that we do, but I'm just glad you could relate. That means a ton. It makes it apparent that we who suffer from this seemingly endless emotional, mental, and physical pain are deep, (usually) caring individuals. I studied Religion in college and have many times thought that I must have had the meanest previous life with the worst karma and came into this world again to pay my dues.

that's literally my thought process, literally identical. im an empath, ill care more about others than myself. iv realized caring is good and bad. i care A TON about friends, when there going through stuff i genuinly wanna help them and it feels like i feel what they feel. but caring about EVERYTHING, such as things that happen to us (bad things) and taking to heart is my weakness. i dont wanna care anymore, about anything and everything. Its made me exhausted. Caring has made me have hope, and having hope and expectations with such bad luck and destiny prevails to nothing but mental and emotional suffering, but we still somehow put ourselves through it in anyway.

iv thought deeply about this. almost as if iv had feelings about this past life. and i think im being punished for it in this life. And/or that im cursed. I also kind of feel like some people have written destinies. its why to me, bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. some arent destined for good things in life such as happiness and some are.

I'm glad i found someone that could relate quiet easily to. most of my friends irl arent that deep, or just think im overreacting and exaggerating smh.