Discussion Relapse - CTB thoughts as a "drug"

[YukiFox]

Hi community. Some people here know my story. I'm more pro-recovery with myself than a saying goodbye. I tried to avoid the forum to make more steps to my plenitude and living as a transgender woman, but this current crisis with COVID-19 triggered again my depression and another thoughts.
See: I really try to convince myself that all that CTB thoughts was for not being happy as a male and everything will be fine when I complete my gender transition, both legal and hormonally, but since I was fired I feel more uncertain about my immediate future, the financial stability is my primary reason of stress because I really struggled to being hired to jobs even I had a degree in Spanish language. So this COVID-19 quarantine messed up with my mental stability.
And now, confined in my room, trying to find some freelance work in Internet and uncertain about my short future, the CTB returned again. I find some kind of "addictive" to my brain, I don't trying immediately but only to think about it I want more and more about thinking of plan, when and where to do it and figure out what I need to do it. That's why I called that thoughts addictive: it comforts me for short time, but when I desist from it, I try to avoid it for days and I fell again for it.
That actions include visiting this forum, reading about methods and, specially, read about for people who choose hanging as their method. My mind is puzzled because I feel mercy or solidarity with others and their pain but for myself I called impatient, egoistic, impulsive. And since I'm Trans and read a lot of tragic stories of trans people who CTB, I tried to use that stories to discourage me to do so and to stop fantasize about it.
But it's complicated. Depression is hard to overcome. I don't take any medicine for it, and the public health system is only focused to this crisis and I can't make an appointment for psychiatry in public health system.
I want to fight for my dreams and goals. I know that this Covid-19 could be a temporary emergency (or at least could have some flexibilize in future for young people like me), but my mind isn't prepared for this kind of challenges. The gender dysphoria hits hard every day that I can't get make-up, clothes or more accessories for making my appearance more femenine. I'm tired for this male disguise. And it's only the second week of quarantine.
I want to understand why death (In any form, but specially suicide) is a drug for my brain. I lost sensibility or taboo for this topic and if our society wasn't so hypocrite about it, I talk about it like the weather or sports with my friends or colleagues. But since I don't want to being taken as suicidal or psychopath, I suffer in silence. And no, I don't encourage others to CTB, or don't respect the life of others (That's unethical), however, why my obsession? Why I'm so broken that I lost the taboo? Why I don't fear for the feelings of my family and close friends? Why my mind thinks that CTB is a sentence, and I only don't know the date? And let me talk a little bit about spirituality here: I don't mind if I was condemned in the afterlife. I don't care about my soul. Even I'm consider myself a pagan I believe that every human is the owner of their souls and the gods, goddesses and other spirits are here to help us and not to claim our souls as a merchandise.
If you want to give me a support, I appreciate it. If you feel like similar, I want to look about how you manage this "addiction".
Am I the only one?

 

[BridgeJumper]

I feel similar. Suicide lost its meaning, its not something I do only at my absolute worst. Im addicted to trying to kill myself in the same way a heroin junkie is addicted to dope. Trying to kill myself brings me a mental high - I can let go of all my negative feelings and pain by doing dangerous things. Sometimes its so bad Im up at night for days secretly trying to jump every night. Its not novel anymore, Im just going through the motions the same way I would brush my teeth. And now I could barely order my meds that make me stable enough not to be locked up for 3 more months, cant see any therapist, and Im so tired of protecting the facade I put up for my parents :/
I try to stop but its so persistent, its like a part of who I am.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I know what you mean. Thinking about suicide for me can be addicting, but that is because it is comforting to me. I always know that when life gets to be too hard, I have an emergency exit I can take. It might be challenging to find, but I know it's there. When I get stressed out, I think about how I want to CTB and go over the details about how to make it work in my head and sometimes it helps to cope with things when other coping mechanisms don't work.

I think part of the problem is that I know that this world we live in is shit and that someday, a new problem will arise that will NOT get better, unless I actually go through with my plan to end my life. This is a fact that I have to accept and knowing it is the reason that I think about dying as often as I do. I don't exactly want to die, but I don't want to live a hellish existence either, so if my life begins to get worse and there is no chance of improvement, then dying is the solution. Yes thinking about killing myself can be addictive, but that would not be the case for any of us if the world we live in didn't give us reasons to think about it in the first place.