Recovering when problems are not in my control?

[thisIsNotEnough]

I don't know if I want to get better. I just don't think it's possible when the things making me suicidal are not things I can change, so it doesn't feel worth trying.

I mean, there are some things I can address that wouldn't make me less suicidal, but would help me cope with it. I could make more friends, get into a relationship, etc. But I don't know, the idea of making new connections makes me feel like I would be more trapped in this life and hurt even more people if my suicide is as inevitable as it feels.

Does anyone have experience with trying to recover in a situation like this? What actually helped you?

To be honest, talk therapy hasn't done anything for me and no antidepressant has helped one bit, so I don't know what else there is. I'll be starting intensive outpatient soon, but I feel like that will just be a higher quantity of talk therapy and maybe some medications that probably won't help or will make things worse. Please don't suggest religion or spirituality as I have religious trauma. I physically can't exercise as well, though I wish I could :(

 

[mysticatedwine]

even if you can't change the things that make you suicidal, you can try to find ways to change how your brain adresses them. i don't believe it's a bad thing to make connections and friendships, they're part of what will make you find the strength you need. even if things eventually don't work out and you feel like suicide is the only option you have left, you'd have tried. suicide isn't egoistic

most of the things that make me suicidal are things that i have very little control over. i don't have a lot of fighting power, im at the mercy of where the flows leads me. the only thing that helps me struggle are what little consistent hobbies and friendships i've managed to build. they're all i got really

i'm sorry it's a little cheesy of an answer maybe, but that's all i've got until now. as to 'what else there is' as you say, you might as well try anything, if most things until now havent worked out. have you tried cognitive behavioral therapy? it is talk therapy like the rest but it is more structured, scientific, realistic and grounded in the things you can do

 

[thisIsNotEnough]

Yeah I've tried CBT and DBT. But honestly, I don't really think there is a way to change how my brain addresses my traumatic experiences. especially the ones that are ongoing. A lot of how my brain works is almost set in stone from what I experienced in childhood. Yeah, it can change over years and years, but I need to get better immediately because this is unbearable.

The best I've been told by therapists is "yeah that sucks, but hey it can get better", which is just not helpful at all. Or they'll think it's just low self-worth. Like no, I'm suicidal because I deserve better and I don't have better, not because I feel like I'm not valuable. They don't get it a lot of the time, unfortunately. Probably because their first instinct in dealing with patients with suicidal thoughts is that they're irrational, not that the underlying issues need addressing. And even if they recognize the underlying issues, if nothing I do could change them, there's no advice to give other than "hang in there".

I do see the value in friendships and hobbies of keeping me alive, but the bigger issue is quality of life, you know? Sure, maybe it'll stop me from attempting, but even just having these thoughts is a lot to deal with. I'm suicidal because my life sucks, that's all, and if it got better, I wouldn't feel this way anymore. That's why during the brief time where things were mostly okay, I didn't once think about suicide.

Maybe I'm just beyond help at this point, I don't know