I still plan on ctbing but my suicidal ideation has decreased enough that I'm able to manage it (before, my suicidal thoughts would be bad enough that they would cause me distress). Back when it was really bad, I started sexting men online, lied to my dad about having to stay at uni all day and having to come home late because of exams back during my suspension and spent the day riding the subway and walking around random areas downtown (which includes walking around a supposedly dangerous area while it was dark out, though I have doubts about dangerous it really was), wasted some money on some sex toys from a sex shop, was trying to meet up with one of the dudes who I was sexting to lose my virginity to them (they were around 14 years older than me if I remember correctly), starting drinking but had to stop after getting really drunk from drinking this one time (now, my body can't handle drinking strong alcoholic drinks without feeling extremely nauseous immediately after), I started smoking weed, my self-harm got worse and I started cutting down to the bean, tried to ctb on impulse while at uni by hanging myself in the washroom (the rope I had from my recent failed attempts at the time was in my bag and I knew that it would fail but my suicidal ideation had gotten so bad that I couldn't think straight), and, finally, I decided to try shrooms without bothering to purchase a scale first in order to measure out the dose I was taking (which ended in me having a bad trip where my emotions were all over the place and I was completely disorientated). I actually didn't prepare at all prior to tripping... That's basically all of the reckless stuff that I remember doing off the top of my head.
Funnily enough, once I got the hang of tripping I found that shrooms actually helped me out a lot and I attribute them to my eventual recovery from the years-long rough patch I had been going through since I was 16. I still plan on ctbing, but I probably will wait a while since there are some things I want to sort out first and there are some personal matters going on with some of the people I care about at the moment (it's basically one big mixture of health, psychological, financial, and unemployment related issues). I want to ctb before I reach around age 25, but if I can't then I want to at least die before I reach age 30 (max).
cause I've stared down people much bigger than me. but when I'm truly suicidal and feeling down I do have a dangerous fuck you attitude. no I'm not trying to be edgy.
