Recent Realization

[cassxtho]

I don't know if this would go here or suicide discussion, but I think it's kind of positive so I'll just write it here.

Recently I've hit a plateau and my depression just got worse and worse. I know this sounds stupid, but I watched a self-help video on youtube and I think it's opened up my thinking in a new way and I realized why everything has been so horrible for me. I make things horrible. Every post or comment I've made here is so defeatist, in my real life I act that way too. "Some people aren't meant for living" my ass it's only that way because I make it seem like that. Everybody has their own issues and struggles to overcome, the only reason mine seem so much worse is because I let them get to me and I wear them on my sleeve. People don't like me because I'm obvious about not liking myself. If I don't like myself, how can I expect anybody to like me? If I don't put in the work for myself, how can I expect anybody to do it for me?

Furthermore, I care way too much about what other people think of me rather than what I think of myself. I asked myself this question: how many people does it take to ruin my day? The answer is one. One comment, one bad look, one thing and suddenly I am devastated or just want to crawl into bed and rot. Why? Why does it matter what other people think of me so much? I have people in my life who like me, so why do the ones who don't matter more? It's because my faith in myself is entirely defined by how other people react/think of me. This is my life, I'm the important one, I need to work on these things more because how can I live a happy life if my happiness isn't dependent on me and only me.

I am so mean because I am so insecure. I shouldn't give a flying fuck about anybody else. There is a person in my class that always comes to mind, and he has a lot of the traits that many incels have. Hes neurodivergent (and I don't think he knows it), he's not conventionally attractive, a little weird, and a lot of girls don't like him. But he owns all of this. He doesn't care. The fact that he doesn't care is what makes him attractive once you get to know and start talking to him. People may insult him all the time, but he doesn't let that ruin his day. He continues to live because he is self-assured and that makes him an alluring person for me and many other people who have gotten to know him as a peer, not even as a friend. I really want to be like him.

I am a privileged middle class white girl. There is no excuse for me to be the way that I am. I am depressed, I do have an eating disorder, I am neurodivergent, I am all of these things and more. I have so many struggles that I do not bother mentioning, but these do not define me because everyone else is the same way. My life is not special because right now there is no reason for it to be. However, just like everyone I have the potential to make it this way. This realization I've had has kind of been brought on gradually because I did start to go to the gym and put more care into my appearance after watching that video, and like magic people have started to talk to me more. As I become more confident people see that and are more confident in me as well. A girl in my class I've always viewed as above me has started snapping me outside of school, this has never happened to me before! I have made a few new friends so easily just by trying to better myself, something that has been so hard for me for the past 18 years of my life.

I know this post is making things sound a lot greater than they are in my real life, but it is just motivational for me because I now know exactly what I have to do to be happy with myself. I don't care about trying to make myself look a certain way anymore. I don't like heavy makeup and I don't/can't get toned the way that is becoming trendy for girls, I don't care. I want to look a certain way and I will look it because that is how I feel comfortable. Same way with interests. I don't like a lot of popular music or clothes, but that doesn't matter at all. I'm not going to a prestigious college simply because I don't want to. That doesn't matter and I'm not less smart than anyone.

This ended up being way longer than I expected lol, but I don't even understand half of it myself. I think that I've finally began to better understand the world and the other people around me, and that by the end of this year I will have become somebody who is proud of herself, and who her friends can be proud of. Right now, I hate myself, but I have the capacity to change into somebody who is valuable and that's what matters.

 

[its-about-time]

Take this motivation and run with it! You're absolutely right. Depression is not an excuse to live miserably, that's agitating for a lot of people to hear, but it's true because each person has the ability to push themselves and try to be better. Even if there isn't typical "success" in that, there's a lot of admiration to be had for people with grit who keep pushing themselves instead of giving up and just hating everything.

 

[Dried_Ink]

Don't ever feel guilty for struggling. If privilege were any remedy to suffering, then we wouldn't have the richest and most powerful celebrities committing suicide. Trauma is trauma. We don't compare ours with others'.

 

[Regen]

Wow! Sounds that you are on the right way! Congratulations! I think it is a good idea to wrote down this thoughts, if you have a bad time you can read it and you can remember yourself what had worked in the past.

Sometimes I also watch some you Tube videos to find help. How did you find this one? What were your searching words?

 

[Sister of the Moon]

This is brilliant. I'm happy that you've found a way to own your issues and take yourself forward. Sometimes this epiphany is all that is needed to make a good enough recovery to have a half decent life. Don't be too hard on yourself, even people who seemingly get something of a life together, can end up having bad days again, it's all part of life. I really hope you continue with your positivity, it's inspiring.