I think this will be a long post. I had posted the other day about everyone's final straw/last straw. But I felt like I would really like to hear whole stories. I feel like we all have a story of why we ended up where we ended up.
I am currently determining if I want to end my life or not. It feels so good to be able to talk about that without judgement. So I would like to write my story of how I arrived here, and I hope maybe some other people feel comfortable sharing their story.
5 months ago my husband and I had a disagreement, and we had a talk that included him saying that he doesn't want to get a divorce and he wants us to work on ourselves. 2 days later he came home from work, sat down at the dinner table and told me that he thinks it's time to get a divorce. To say that that was a gut punch would be an understatement. I was devastated, confused, this felt like a nightmare.
I begged and pleaded with him but he said he had been checked out for a while. I understood where he was coming from, we weren't happy. And we hadn't been for a while.
In the beginning of our marriage, I felt like I was "ahead". I was having a job, going to school to get an AA, while he was jumping from job to job, not really sure what he wanted. Well, eventually I applied him for a job at a company and he took it. It was a low pay entry level job, however, another company in the same field had "headhunted him", they really liked him and offered for him to start with them, making 6 figures but he had to relocate to another city 2.5 hrs. away. I did not want him to move, but he did an we agreed that I'd come visit him on the weekends. I stayed behind with his parents to finish my schooling, I also had a job in the city we lived in. A few months after he was gone, I quit my job so I focus on school full time. Unfortunately, our dog got really sick, and had multiple failed surgeries. My dog wasn't in any condition for a long drive and basically needed 24/7 care. I felt so alone and exhausted, but so did my husband as I couldn't come see him (he had to come to me on the weekends which stressed him out due to how demanding his job was). After a few months we decided to put our dog down, it was too much suffering. During the same time my parents in law lost their house due to financial reasons, resulting in all of us moving in with my husband. My husbands job didn't go so well and due to performance issues and high expectations they cut his salary in half. Then he took another job and makes even less now.
Well, this brings us back to the moment he asked for a divorce. His reasons were that he had been talking about us needing to change things for years, I and agree. We had so many talks, but neither one of us changed anything.
Throughout our marriage I had changed physically (gained 200 lbs.) and never finished my schooling due to failing classes. He felt like he was making a lot of sacrifices while I only cared about myself. I feel like he never considered our marriage in his decisions. And I feel like he stopped appreciating me, and spending time with me. I think we both were needing things, but we didn't know how to be married.
So he asked for a divorce. The day after he asked for one, he at least agreed to counseling. Well, the counselor compared our marriage to a dead dog so that was fun. That was his confirmation that he needed to end our marriage. He seemed sad for me and said I'm his best friend and he wants to keep me safe. The next day he had paperwork for me to sign and when I refused because it was just too fast for me, he got very angry and mean, saying he wished he would have never married me and I needed to leave. I was just stunned. The person I had been married to for almost 7 years, who told me time and time again he'd never leave me said these mean things to me. I just broke. This was the first time suicide had crossed my mind, but I don't think in a serious way. It was more of a "In a few weeks I'll shoot myself" if I can't fix this. He was suddenly a changed person, he went to the gym early in the morning, spend tons of time with his friends and really started taking care of himself. As a sidenote, I have never discouraged him from that, I actually encouraged him to do all of that.
Well, time went on. I agreed to sign everything to make him happy, I didn't ask for alimony, didn't take any of our stuff. While he sleeps on a $4000 mattress, I sleep on the cheapest mattress I could find on Amazon.
During all this, I had exactly one friend. He was my best friend of 4-5 years. Well, he found a girlfriend and basically ended our friendship because his girlfriend wasn't okay with us talking. So then I was completely alone.
The entire time, I felt like there was someone else in my husbands life. I kept saying the only way he would do that is if there would be someone else involved. Then a few months ago he became a little nicer and said if we're truly meant to be then we will find each other again and he won't fight it. I felt like okay, I can work with that. I was still hoping that giving it some time and really working on myself will result in him falling in love again.
The divorce finalized super quick since I just agreed to everything, and it was finalized a few weeks ago. Well, last week I saw him with another woman in our driveway. My heart shattered into a million pieces. Then I found out that he had brought her over to our house, while I was at work. Into the room that used to be ours, into our bed. When I asked him what I could expect now with him dating people, he said "What do you expect, we're divorced". I couldn't believe the cruelty in him. I was utterly confused. He seemed so angry at me. Its a little bit like he feels he talked for years and asked for change and he was hurting and now he wants to me to hurt. Although I am suspecting that this woman has been there for quite some time, and may even be the reason for the divorce.
That was the moment I fully considered that I may want to end my life. The immense pain, caused by someone who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I am not sure how to survive it. Sometimes I have moments where I am telling myself that things could get better, and I may find someone else, but the thought of being with another man disgusts me. I cannot ever get married again, it feels fraudulent. I already vowed once. Doing it again won't be an option for me personally. Knowing that MY husband, is with someone else, giving the love he had for me to someone else. It's devastating. The past few days I have been finding myself feeling relieved at the thought of ending it. So the pain would finally, finally end. The only thing I have left that makes me contemplate is my dogs. Without them I would have done it already, I think. I don't want to throw my life away if it could get better, but I am losing hope that it can/will get any better. I know millions of people recover from divorce, and even worse things. But I was also diagnosed with BPD throughout and have deep abandonment issues. All this pain is almost unbearable for me. It feels like, even if I could find happiness again, it's not worth going through all this pain.
Whoever took the time to read all of that, thank you.
I am currently determining if I want to end my life or not. It feels so good to be able to talk about that without judgement. So I would like to write my story of how I arrived here, and I hope maybe some other people feel comfortable sharing their story.
5 months ago my husband and I had a disagreement, and we had a talk that included him saying that he doesn't want to get a divorce and he wants us to work on ourselves. 2 days later he came home from work, sat down at the dinner table and told me that he thinks it's time to get a divorce. To say that that was a gut punch would be an understatement. I was devastated, confused, this felt like a nightmare.
I begged and pleaded with him but he said he had been checked out for a while. I understood where he was coming from, we weren't happy. And we hadn't been for a while.
In the beginning of our marriage, I felt like I was "ahead". I was having a job, going to school to get an AA, while he was jumping from job to job, not really sure what he wanted. Well, eventually I applied him for a job at a company and he took it. It was a low pay entry level job, however, another company in the same field had "headhunted him", they really liked him and offered for him to start with them, making 6 figures but he had to relocate to another city 2.5 hrs. away. I did not want him to move, but he did an we agreed that I'd come visit him on the weekends. I stayed behind with his parents to finish my schooling, I also had a job in the city we lived in. A few months after he was gone, I quit my job so I focus on school full time. Unfortunately, our dog got really sick, and had multiple failed surgeries. My dog wasn't in any condition for a long drive and basically needed 24/7 care. I felt so alone and exhausted, but so did my husband as I couldn't come see him (he had to come to me on the weekends which stressed him out due to how demanding his job was). After a few months we decided to put our dog down, it was too much suffering. During the same time my parents in law lost their house due to financial reasons, resulting in all of us moving in with my husband. My husbands job didn't go so well and due to performance issues and high expectations they cut his salary in half. Then he took another job and makes even less now.
Well, this brings us back to the moment he asked for a divorce. His reasons were that he had been talking about us needing to change things for years, I and agree. We had so many talks, but neither one of us changed anything.
Throughout our marriage I had changed physically (gained 200 lbs.) and never finished my schooling due to failing classes. He felt like he was making a lot of sacrifices while I only cared about myself. I feel like he never considered our marriage in his decisions. And I feel like he stopped appreciating me, and spending time with me. I think we both were needing things, but we didn't know how to be married.
So he asked for a divorce. The day after he asked for one, he at least agreed to counseling. Well, the counselor compared our marriage to a dead dog so that was fun. That was his confirmation that he needed to end our marriage. He seemed sad for me and said I'm his best friend and he wants to keep me safe. The next day he had paperwork for me to sign and when I refused because it was just too fast for me, he got very angry and mean, saying he wished he would have never married me and I needed to leave. I was just stunned. The person I had been married to for almost 7 years, who told me time and time again he'd never leave me said these mean things to me. I just broke. This was the first time suicide had crossed my mind, but I don't think in a serious way. It was more of a "In a few weeks I'll shoot myself" if I can't fix this. He was suddenly a changed person, he went to the gym early in the morning, spend tons of time with his friends and really started taking care of himself. As a sidenote, I have never discouraged him from that, I actually encouraged him to do all of that.
Well, time went on. I agreed to sign everything to make him happy, I didn't ask for alimony, didn't take any of our stuff. While he sleeps on a $4000 mattress, I sleep on the cheapest mattress I could find on Amazon.
During all this, I had exactly one friend. He was my best friend of 4-5 years. Well, he found a girlfriend and basically ended our friendship because his girlfriend wasn't okay with us talking. So then I was completely alone.
The entire time, I felt like there was someone else in my husbands life. I kept saying the only way he would do that is if there would be someone else involved. Then a few months ago he became a little nicer and said if we're truly meant to be then we will find each other again and he won't fight it. I felt like okay, I can work with that. I was still hoping that giving it some time and really working on myself will result in him falling in love again.
The divorce finalized super quick since I just agreed to everything, and it was finalized a few weeks ago. Well, last week I saw him with another woman in our driveway. My heart shattered into a million pieces. Then I found out that he had brought her over to our house, while I was at work. Into the room that used to be ours, into our bed. When I asked him what I could expect now with him dating people, he said "What do you expect, we're divorced". I couldn't believe the cruelty in him. I was utterly confused. He seemed so angry at me. Its a little bit like he feels he talked for years and asked for change and he was hurting and now he wants to me to hurt. Although I am suspecting that this woman has been there for quite some time, and may even be the reason for the divorce.
That was the moment I fully considered that I may want to end my life. The immense pain, caused by someone who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I am not sure how to survive it. Sometimes I have moments where I am telling myself that things could get better, and I may find someone else, but the thought of being with another man disgusts me. I cannot ever get married again, it feels fraudulent. I already vowed once. Doing it again won't be an option for me personally. Knowing that MY husband, is with someone else, giving the love he had for me to someone else. It's devastating. The past few days I have been finding myself feeling relieved at the thought of ending it. So the pain would finally, finally end. The only thing I have left that makes me contemplate is my dogs. Without them I would have done it already, I think. I don't want to throw my life away if it could get better, but I am losing hope that it can/will get any better. I know millions of people recover from divorce, and even worse things. But I was also diagnosed with BPD throughout and have deep abandonment issues. All this pain is almost unbearable for me. It feels like, even if I could find happiness again, it's not worth going through all this pain.
Whoever took the time to read all of that, thank you.
