My SN is in transit, will take 1-2 weeks I suppose.
I've been posting a lot here lately, I have nothing to do really so that's probably why. Might be too much for some but oh well.
I turned 27 during the holidays. I'd just dropped out of university where I forced myself to stay for almost 3 years. I don't care about the direction I took in my studies, it's not something I'm interested in and in the hypothetical scenario I forced myself to go into uni again, I'd have to have a pretty much fresh start, maybe get 1 year of studies accredited. But more importantly, I don't have the strength to go through it again, never mind the actual work-life afterwards.
I've recently accepted the fact that I am probably autistic, possible bipolar or perhaps because I force myself into these places I do not enjoy and stress me out, I go through psychosis. I have zero social connections: my family was abusive growing up and I was abused in all the other ways as well, including rape as a child that I suppressed for many years.
If I had sought out help maybe things could have turned out differently, but I didn't and they didn't. I honestly hated people a lot for what I was done to growing up and self-isolated to be frank. I've destroyed my teeth and throughout the years I've accrued debt and now owe around 45k that I feel like is an impossible amount to pay back since I don't think I'll ever fully be able to work.
I have nothing except debt, bad teeth due to not taking care of them and self-medicating with soda and other junk, and a lot of regrets and facepalming over what I do during my psychotic episodes. I also feel strongly that even though I'm okay now, if I were to continue I'd go through psychosis again and again throughout my life.
I've tried to seek out different things to do and experience, that I might enjoy, but nothing works. I don't get enjoyment out of anything. So there's no point to struggle onwards. I've been depressed most of my life so this isn't new, but I feel like I've been able to at least try different things at this point and confirmed nothing works, so the pointlessness of everything is now confirmed to me.
When I try to think of what would make me stay alive, I think if I suddenly got 1 million and was able to pay off my debts and then 24/7 surround myself with food and lay in a bed watching tv, browsing the internet, etc., then I could hypothetically do that, but I would just continue living like a husk that I always have. So even in that scenario, there's no real point for me to go on. I don't value life and never have. I've never understood how it comes so seemingly easily to others to value it and do things.
I also feel like if I were to continue living like a husk, which I could do because in my country welfare is very much available, the shame of getting older and older without having anything to show for it would become increasingly too much to bear. I score high on IQ tests and passed a very difficult exam to get into university, but I literally can't get through basic daily life and everything really is a struggle for me. So I'm in a situation where I have always and will always underperform. I don't see anything good in my future and I don't value life. I probably would have continued on suffering if it wasn't for me learning about SN though; it seems like a peaceful enough way to go. Will be chugging that shitty taste and probably vomiting before passing out, but hey, then it's over. Pretty thankful for this forum.
I've been posting a lot here lately, I have nothing to do really so that's probably why. Might be too much for some but oh well.
I turned 27 during the holidays. I'd just dropped out of university where I forced myself to stay for almost 3 years. I don't care about the direction I took in my studies, it's not something I'm interested in and in the hypothetical scenario I forced myself to go into uni again, I'd have to have a pretty much fresh start, maybe get 1 year of studies accredited. But more importantly, I don't have the strength to go through it again, never mind the actual work-life afterwards.
I've recently accepted the fact that I am probably autistic, possible bipolar or perhaps because I force myself into these places I do not enjoy and stress me out, I go through psychosis. I have zero social connections: my family was abusive growing up and I was abused in all the other ways as well, including rape as a child that I suppressed for many years.
If I had sought out help maybe things could have turned out differently, but I didn't and they didn't. I honestly hated people a lot for what I was done to growing up and self-isolated to be frank. I've destroyed my teeth and throughout the years I've accrued debt and now owe around 45k that I feel like is an impossible amount to pay back since I don't think I'll ever fully be able to work.
I have nothing except debt, bad teeth due to not taking care of them and self-medicating with soda and other junk, and a lot of regrets and facepalming over what I do during my psychotic episodes. I also feel strongly that even though I'm okay now, if I were to continue I'd go through psychosis again and again throughout my life.
I've tried to seek out different things to do and experience, that I might enjoy, but nothing works. I don't get enjoyment out of anything. So there's no point to struggle onwards. I've been depressed most of my life so this isn't new, but I feel like I've been able to at least try different things at this point and confirmed nothing works, so the pointlessness of everything is now confirmed to me.
When I try to think of what would make me stay alive, I think if I suddenly got 1 million and was able to pay off my debts and then 24/7 surround myself with food and lay in a bed watching tv, browsing the internet, etc., then I could hypothetically do that, but I would just continue living like a husk that I always have. So even in that scenario, there's no real point for me to go on. I don't value life and never have. I've never understood how it comes so seemingly easily to others to value it and do things.
I also feel like if I were to continue living like a husk, which I could do because in my country welfare is very much available, the shame of getting older and older without having anything to show for it would become increasingly too much to bear. I score high on IQ tests and passed a very difficult exam to get into university, but I literally can't get through basic daily life and everything really is a struggle for me. So I'm in a situation where I have always and will always underperform. I don't see anything good in my future and I don't value life. I probably would have continued on suffering if it wasn't for me learning about SN though; it seems like a peaceful enough way to go. Will be chugging that shitty taste and probably vomiting before passing out, but hey, then it's over. Pretty thankful for this forum.
