Reasons why I am going to ctb at 30

[FireFox]

My 20s are just awful and are a mess. I don't want to live to see another decade. 30 will be even worse than my 20s I know it. 30 is the perfect age for suicide for me. I really wanted to live but didn't know how. Life was never meant for me. I am 24 and will be dead in 6 years time.

- My grandmother or mother ( close too) will most likely pass away when I hit my 30s and I will be on my own stuck with more responsibilities. Most of my relatives are just self centred pieces of sh*t and can't be relied upon in a crisis. I have the worst relatives ever. Some relatives are nice but too busy with their own lives.

- 30 is the age women are expected to achieve big things and have something to show for it. I already feel like a failure in my 20s due to my lack of achievements. I am not going through this again for another decade or me. I am deeply disappointed in how my life turned out to be. I wanted to travel, life an exciting life and making a positive difference in the world.

- The realisation I will always be the invisible woman which no guy will take an interest in. At school I was always naturally confident answering questions in class, speaking at school assemblies and talking to people but I always the invisible girl who never got asked out on a date or had a guy really like her for who she is. The guys at school who did take an interest in me did it at as a dare or something to laugh at with their friends, i received public humiliation from the boys at school especially those i liked. At school all the other girls had guys who liked them and show them love. I am still the invisible woman in adulthood. I wish I looked like a supermodel because guys will actually notice me and will be interested in me. I have black hair and brown eyes I find these features boring and dull compared to blonde hair, red hair, green eyes and other eye colours. We live in a shallow society that cares about physical beauty rather than a kindness of a person's heart. I love my slim body but I absoultely hate my brown eyes and black hair. All I wanted was a man to love for the person I truly am and a future with him.

- I know nothing at navigating the adulthood and it intimidates me.

 

[Crazy4u]

I relate to your post a lot. Life was awful in my twenties too but I always thought I will figure something out. Let me try to live my life. I left my parents place when I was 24 years old. I enjoyed freedom for a while but was very stressed about responsibilities. My life consisted of shopping trips, movies, errands, work, and studies. That's it.

I moved to the US after a few years. I wanted to live and experiment new things. It is the land of dreams, right? I traveled to few states for fun. I TRIED to get my shit together. I started getting frustrated with the lack of achievements when I became 30 years old. My classmates on facebook are living their lives. They "Have it all". I didn't have much going on.

I got a dog 2.5 years ago to cope with loneliness and figure out how to fix my life. COVID madness started. COVID helped me see the true me. I have always been suicidal but tried my best to live my life and figure it out. I'm fed up with dealing with problems one after another. Most of these problems are not in my control. I was drowning in fake hope. I perfectly understand what you mean by "navigating adulthood". I figured some stuff out (thanks Google) but I still don't understand many things.

It is over. I started ordering supplies for my CTB. It will be this year hopefully before summer.

 

[Zzzzz]

That is very difficult. We do live in a very shallow and cruel society. I believe it is one of the primary contributing factors to Many suicides. May you find peace one way or another.

 

[SomeoneDutch]

It sounds like you're going through a lot. I'm sorry you feel that way. I can relate to your feelings a lot.

At the same time I think it's impressive you're still giving yourself as much time as you are. A lot can change in that time, for the better or worse. You never know what kind of people you may come across or whatever else could happen.

I do wish you all the best, wherever your path may lead you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I am not meant for this life as well. I'm sorry you are in this situation, I know that it can be hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. I can imagine it must be devastating being unable to live the life you want. Life is very disappointing. Having so much dread for the future can be awful, I do not want to be there to see my future. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[jimmy7754]

I have blonde hair and blue eyes over 30 and don't want to do this shit one more day

 

[FireFox]

I have blonde hair and blue eyes over 30 and don't want to do this shit one more day

@jimmy7754 big virtual hug :)

I don't want to see another day, another month and another year. Everyday when I wake up all I feel is just tired of being alive in this healthy body which I do not even deserve. All the good people of the world died from covid19 and I am alive when I don't even deserve it.

Why do want to catch the bus?

 

[CyberCat95]

Yeah 30 is my next 'date' I guess but hopefully sooner

 

[JoeyJoey]

My 20s are just awful and are a mess. I don't want to live to see another decade. 30 will be even worse than my 20s I know it. 30 is the perfect age for suicide for me. I really wanted to live but didn't know how. Life was never meant for me. I am 24 and will be dead in 6 years time.

- My grandmother or mother ( close too) will most likely pass away when I hit my 30s and I will be on my own stuck with more responsibilities. Most of my relatives are just self centred pieces of sh*t and can't be relied upon in a crisis. I have the worst relatives ever. Some relatives are nice but too busy with their own lives.

- 30 is the age women are expected to achieve big things and have something to show for it. I already feel like a failure in my 20s due to my lack of achievements. I am not going through this again for another decade or me. I am deeply disappointed in how my life turned out to be. I wanted to travel, life an exciting life and making a positive difference in the world.

- The realisation I will always be the invisible woman which no guy will take an interest in. At school I was always naturally confident answering questions in class, speaking at school assemblies and talking to people but I always the invisible girl who never got asked out on a date or had a guy really like her for who she is. The guys at school who did take an interest in me did it at as a dare or something to laugh at with their friends, i received public humiliation from the boys at school especially those i liked. At school all the other girls had guys who liked them and show them love. I am still the invisible woman in adulthood. I wish I looked like a supermodel because guys will actually notice me and will be interested in me. I have black hair and brown eyes I find these features boring and dull compared to blonde hair, red hair, green eyes and other eye colours. We live in a shallow society that cares about physical beauty rather than a kindness of a person's heart. I love my slim body but I absoultely hate my brown eyes and black hair. All I wanted was a man to love for the person I truly am and a future with him.

- I know nothing at navigating the adulthood and it intimidates me.

You have time to turn things around and make good what you think and know is bad.
You know the worst thing is , and I am guilty of it as well, is that you think people outside your circle won't listen, but they will.
You might not like your black hair and brown eyes but others are out there who will like them.
I don't like blonde hair or green eyes ! Although red is quite nice .
My point being is please try and realise that there is still plenty to find in life, good things. It comes.

You are only in your 20's and you have still time to find that man who will love you and you love him. Still plenty of future to build with a man even if you are in your 30's when you find him.
Imaging at 80 years old you will have spent 50 great years together. Although you might still be nagging him to pull up the toilet seat so he doesn't pee on it( after all those years)

We do live in a shallow society, I learnt that years ago, before you was born ( showing my age)
But however shallow it is there is no need to feel intimidated because for all the 'beautiful' people we see forced upon us in life it gives a false impression of reality. There might be 10% of the world's population who are the people you aspire to be, and that leaves 90% of every one else. That includes you, me and just about everyone else who is not on telly, film, SC or anything else.

Women are not expected to be successful by 30, you can choose your own timetable and you still can have the chance of traveling. I took my first airplane flight at 34.
Everyone has their own lifestyle planning that can be achieved at any age.

I have been blabbing on for too long.

Please be ok .

 

[jimmy7754]

@jimmy7754 big virtual hug :)

I don't want to see another day, another month and another year. Everyday when I wake up all I feel is just tired of being alive in this healthy body which I do not even deserve. All the good people of the world died from covid19 and I am alive when I don't even deserve it.

Why do want to catch the bus?

My dad died too early.. really needed him.. my mum lost it and I ended up lost af by my mid 20s.. before you know it I'm over 30 injured.. naive and swirling around like an idiot. I'm so infuriated about my constant thoughts of suicide.. but I can't stop them because it's all seated in a pool of bad decisions and regret which got me to such a shitty predicament. Idk what I'm doing anymore and why I'm waiting.. a miracle?? I wish.. it won't happen.. I know from how I grew up I really had to be more self aware.. boy did I mess that up.. I must be slipping away.

 

[FireFox]

My dad died too early.. really needed him.. my mum lost it and I ended up lost af by my mid 20s.. before you know it I'm over 30 injured.. naive and swirling around like an idiot. I'm so infuriated about my constant thoughts of suicide.. but I can't stop them because it's all seated in a pool of bad decisions and regret which got me to such a shitty predicament. Idk what I'm doing anymore and why I'm waiting.. a miracle?? I wish.. it won't happen.. I know from how I grew up I really had to be more self aware.. boy did I mess that up.. I must be slipping away.

@jimmy7754 Rest in Peace to your dad. I am so sorry for your loss. Its so scary how our own bodies can turn against us. The human mind is so cruel, sadly most of the population are far too ignorant to understand how cruel the human mind is and how hard it is to continue fighting everyday to make the thoughts stop.

Depression or mental illness generally is like being in prison with your own thoughts and there is no escape.

I am tired of fighting i was born in to a world I just was not strong enough to live in. I want out.

I relate to your post a lot. Life was awful in my twenties too but I always thought I will figure something out. Let me try to live my life. I left my parents place when I was 24 years old. I enjoyed freedom for a while but was very stressed about responsibilities. My life consisted of shopping trips, movies, errands, work, and studies. That's it.

I moved to the US after a few years. I wanted to live and experiment new things. It is the land of dreams, right? I traveled to few states for fun. I TRIED to get my shit together. I started getting frustrated with the lack of achievements when I became 30 years old. My classmates on facebook are living their lives. They "Have it all". I didn't have much going on.

I got a dog 2.5 years ago to cope with loneliness and figure out how to fix my life. COVID madness started. COVID helped me see the true me. I have always been suicidal but tried my best to live my life and figure it out. I'm fed up with dealing with problems one after another. Most of these problems are not in my control. I was drowning in fake hope. I perfectly understand what you mean by "navigating adulthood". I figured some stuff out (thanks Google) but I still don't understand many things.

It is over. I started ordering supplies for my CTB. It will be this year hopefully before summer.

@Small_Dreams It's so hard seeing people I went to school with having their lives together. I am tired of things not going properly in my life. I am done with life and I want out from this world.
I am not strong
I am not smart
I am not good enough
6 years from now I will be dead.

You have time to turn things around and make good what you think and know is bad.
You know the worst thing is , and I am guilty of it as well, is that you think people outside your circle won't listen, but they will.
You might not like your black hair and brown eyes but others are out there who will like them.
I don't like blonde hair or green eyes ! Although red is quite nice .
My point being is please try and realise that there is still plenty to find in life, good things. It comes.

You are only in your 20's and you have still time to find that man who will love you and you love him. Still plenty of future to build with a man even if you are in your 30's when you find him.
Imaging at 80 years old you will have spent 50 great years together. Although you might still be nagging him to pull up the toilet seat so he doesn't pee on it( after all those years)

We do live in a shallow society, I learnt that years ago, before you was born ( showing my age)
But however shallow it is there is no need to feel intimidated because for all the 'beautiful' people we see forced upon us in life it gives a false impression of reality. There might be 10% of the world's population who are the people you aspire to be, and that leaves 90% of every one else. That includes you, me and just about everyone else who is not on telly, film, SC or anything else.

Women are not expected to be successful by 30, you can choose your own timetable and you still can have the chance of traveling. I took my first airplane flight at 34.
Everyone has their own lifestyle planning that can be achieved at any age.

I have been blabbing on for too long.

Please be ok .

@JoeyJoey Thank you so much for your kind words. I am just tired of things not going well and I am not strong enough for this world. Too weak, too sensitive and just not good enough.

Next week my job ends and i am just back on square one. I am a total loser who only managed to get a job on a welfare employment scheme because I was not good enough to get regular job. I didn't even tell people how I got my first job because I am ashamed. Being unemployed after graduating literally broke my confidence.

My mum is helping me find another job it is so embrassing because I am at an age where you're supposed to be a real adult.

I wish I was born in to a super wealthy family because the wealth would allow me to do whatever I want with my life and I will no longer find suicide attractive anymore because i will have control. I am tired of having to work hard for everything.

 

[waitingforrest]

I feel exactly the same as your post. Sometimes I look back and wonder what went wrong in my life, sometimes I wonder if I even had a chance in the first place.

I also don't really want to live the next decade either, there's too many things going against me. Honestly spending the next few more years all alone and watching as the little company I have left pass away sounds like torture.

For me at least, even if I were to get a partner, I won't ever seem to be satisfied with life enough to continue living. It's just not having anyone that can love me is just another downside I guess. But, I can doubt I would ever find a partner, a shallow society and a paranoid me don't mix.

I honestly hate adulthood because everyone around me expects me to function just like all the other adults. When in all reality, I still have the mentality of a child and crumble at the slightest weight of responsibility.

I really want to just hug you honestly. Living on is never easy when it feels so hopeless.