Story Reason why I must die

[Outofhope]

I'm 23. And already spent a combined 20 months in prison.

I Have terrible schizophrenia and no friends. I'm in love with someone who utterly hates me.

My childhood was filled with sexual, emotional and physical abuse and relentless bullying at school.

I've had two failed attempts so far, sleeping pills OD (more of a cry for help).

And partial hanging (ligature broke).

My next attempt will be to jump off a bridge as I can't source SN or N.

The only time I ever 'fit in' was In prison or a psych ward. Only contact with people I have are delivery drivers, and a few people online I'm 'friends' with.

(I've never met as I'm too ugly and insane and they'd run a mile)


I'm pathetic.

In the last 24 hours I've been hallucinating and I feel like I'm going insane. I'm under so much emotional pain and I can't take it anymore.

I've not had a single friend since I was 14 and I'm full of hated and anger to the world.

Worse part is I've had great opportunities and every time I've blown it. I can't be relied upon and I do nothing good.

There is no hope of anything getting better.
I'm tired and just want to sleep forever.

 

[GarageKarate07]

I'm 23. And already spent a combined 20 months in prison.

I Have terrible schizophrenia and no friends. I'm in love with someone who utterly hates me.

My childhood was filled with sexual, emotional and physical abuse and relentless bullying at school.

I've had two failed attempts so far, sleeping pills OD (more of a cry for help).

And partial hanging (ligature broke).

My next attempt will be to jump off a bridge as I can't source SN or N.

The only time I ever 'fit in' was In prison or a psych ward. Only contact with people I have are delivery drivers, and a few people online I'm 'friends' with.

(I've never met as I'm too ugly and insane and they'd run a mile)


I'm pathetic.

In the last 24 hours I've been hallucinating and I feel like I'm going insane. I'm under so much emotional pain and I can't take it anymore.

I've not had a single friend since I was 14 and I'm full of hated and anger to the world.

Worse part is I've had great opportunities and every time I've blown it. I can't be relied upon and I do nothing good.

There is no hope of anything getting better.
I'm tired and just want to sleep forever.

Ok. So what's going on today O.O.H.? What set you off? Why are you hallucinating?

 

[Outofhope]

Ok. So what's going on today O.O.H.? What set you off? Why are you hallucinating?

I'm honestly not sure why I'm hallucinating. It's very difficult because if I told a professional they'd section me.

I can't open up to my parents.

My Mother wants me to be sectioned due to 'not having any human contact' or failing to get a job, when I can't even get out of bed due to worry of hurting someone.


Last time I spoke to my dad he threatened to 'beat the gay out of me' or words to that affect.


I'm pretty much triggered by fact that it's dawning on me recently that I have no other option other than suicide. I've thought this for a while, but it's clear to me now. I'M past the point of any return.

My previous attempts where half hearted, next attempt won't be.

 

[tormented1]

get long hair bro

 

[GarageKarate07]

So in a way you are stuck with your parents? What kind of halucinations are you having? Are you on meds or do you feel you might be on the wrong meds?

 

[Mentalmick]

get long hair bro

What? For some reason you sound like someone who was recently banned.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

get long hair bro

This is good advice, I've been working on this myself.

 

[Outofhope]

So in a way you are stuck with your parents? What kind of halucinations are you having? Are you on meds or do you feel you might be on the wrong meds?

I'm meant to be on anti psychotics. But I don't take them. I was only given them in prison by force.

Didn't notice any difference other than sleeping all day. I don't want to take them now and only kick the can down the road.

My parents don't worry me too much, they don't care I've accepted that.

I keep having hallucinations that I'm getting notifications on my phone when it's turned off. Pinging noises messages on Snapchat from people etc. and also hearing voices of people I know in my head saying random stuff.

 

[GarageKarate07]

I'm meant to be on anti psychotics. But I don't take them. I was only given them in prison by force.

Didn't notice any difference other than sleeping all day. I don't want to take them now and only kick the can down the road.

My parents don't worry me too much, they don't care I've accepted that.

I keep having hallucinations that I'm getting notifications on my phone when it's turned off. Pinging noises messages on Snapchat from people etc. and also hearing voices of people I know in my head saying random stuff.

To help you calm down you can do simple things. Take a shower. You could write like some kind of happy story. It sounds dumb but it can help LOL. You could take some CBD or smoke a fat joint if you're into that. You could go for a long walk. Like walk until you kinda get tired. Exercise also helps. I took a walk about 3 miles and I leave my phone at home when I walk. I looked back at how far I had to walk back and I really wanted my phone to get a cab. lol. My point is simple things can do a lot. I'm not well right now either. A lot of people posting today have had a hard time. So dont feel alone. There's nothing wrong with being upset. So dont put yourself down about that.

I'm meant to be on anti psychotics. But I don't take them. I was only given them in prison by force.

Didn't notice any difference other than sleeping all day. I don't want to take them now and only kick the can down the road.

My parents don't worry me too much, they don't care I've accepted that.

I keep having hallucinations that I'm getting notifications on my phone when it's turned off. Pinging noises messages on Snapchat from people etc. and also hearing voices of people I know in my head saying random stuff.

Also you can drink some salt water. Like a quarter cup of filtered water with some salt in it. Then drink a few glasses of water after that. You will refill your electrolyte. Drink a glass of water and fill it up 2 more times. Flush your system. You might pee a lot but some toxins will come out as well as the sugars in your blood. You will feel like you a little. Again it sounds dumb but it might be worth giving a chance. Also you dont have to go outside. You can chill and have some water and flush your body for a minute. It can sometimes calm you down a lot.

 

[Outofhope]

To help you calm down you can do simple things. Take a shower. You could write like some kind of happy story. It sounds dumb but it can help LOL. You could take some CBD or smoke a fat joint if you're into that. You could go for a long walk. Like walk until you kinda get tired. Exercise also helps. I took a walk about 3 miles and I leave my phone at home when I walk. I looked back at how far I had to walk back and I really wanted my phone to get a cab. lol. My point is simple things can do a lot. I'm not well right now either. A lot of people posting today have had a hard time. So dont feel alone. There's nothing wrong with being upset. So dont put yourself down about that.

Also you can drink some salt water. Like a quarter cup of filtered water with some salt in it. Then drink a few glasses of water after that. You will refill your electrolyte. Drink a glass of water and fill it up 2 more times. Flush your system. You might pee a lot but some toxins will come out as well as the sugars in your blood. You will feel like you a little. Again it sounds dumb but it might be worth giving a chance. Also you dont have to go outside. You can chill and have some water and flush your body for a minute. It can sometimes calm you down a lot.

yah I've read a few threads. Kinda sucks seeing people have a lot of pain.
Personally I think I deserve the pain, often I do risky shit just for the self harm really.

Thanks for your advise though I appreciate the ideas. I'm too demotivated to workout and I'm honestly so depressed I can't even get out of bed.

To help you calm down you can do simple things. Take a shower. You could write like some kind of happy story. It sounds dumb but it can help LOL. You could take some CBD or smoke a fat joint if you're into that. You could go for a long walk. Like walk until you kinda get tired. Exercise also helps. I took a walk about 3 miles and I leave my phone at home when I walk. I looked back at how far I had to walk back and I really wanted my phone to get a cab. lol. My point is simple things can do a lot. I'm not well right now either. A lot of people posting today have had a hard time. So dont feel alone. There's nothing wrong with being upset. So dont put yourself down about that.

Also you can drink some salt water. Like a quarter cup of filtered water with some salt in it. Then drink a few glasses of water after that. You will refill your electrolyte. Drink a glass of water and fill it up 2 more times. Flush your system. You might pee a lot but some toxins will come out as well as the sugars in your blood. You will feel like you a little. Again it sounds dumb but it might be worth giving a chance. Also you dont have to go outside. You can chill and have some water and flush your body for a minute. It can sometimes calm you down a lot.

Interesting, never heard that about salt water before. Could try it.

 

[GarageKarate07]

yah I've read a few threads. Kinda sucks seeing people have a lot of pain.
Personally I think I deserve the pain, often I do risky shit just for the self harm really.

Thanks for your advise though I appreciate the ideas. I'm too demotivated to workout and I'm honestly so depressed I can't even get out of bed.


Interesting, never heard that about salt water before. Could try it.

You can take a shower. You can stretch. You can flush your system with salt water and 3 glasses of water. No need to leave your bed. You can write a story. A positive story LOL. It can really help. It sucks feeling alone. Dont forget that you can vent here or at least just look for people to talk to about nothing or everything.

 

[Outofhope]

You can take a shower. You can stretch. You can flush your system with salt water and 3 glasses of water. No need to leave your bed. You can write a story. A positive story LOL. It can really help. It sucks feeling alone. Dont forget that you can vent here or at least just look for people to talk to about nothing or everything.

I think I'm going to try partial hanging again in about 30 mins. Totally overwhelmed by the idea of walking up tomorrow. I've got a little vodka to take the edge off and yes it's impulsive but I feel like if I build up to a day an a time I will lose my nerves.

 

[GarageKarate07]

I think I'm going to try partial hanging again in about 30 mins. Totally overwhelmed by the idea of walking up tomorrow. I've got a little vodka to take the edge off and yes it's impulsive but I feel like if I build up to a day an a time I will lose my nerves.

Just be careful whatever you do. You could help other people on here who are having a bad day. That would be nice for you to do and it would keep your mind busy.

 

[WornOutLife]

I think I'm going to try partial hanging again in about 30 mins. Totally overwhelmed by the idea of walking up tomorrow. I've got a little vodka to take the edge off and yes it's impulsive but I feel like if I build up to a day an a time I will lose my nerves.

Whatever you do, just don't do anything on impulse.
I've read all your comments and you've been trough a lot. I couldn't have been as strong as you.
I really hope you can sort things out.

Feel free to pm me whenever you want if you need to talk.

Hugs,

Matt

 

[Outofhope]

Whatever you do, just don't do anything on impulse.
I've read all your comments and you've been trough a lot. I couldn't have been as strong as you.
I really hope you can sort things out.

Feel free to pm me whenever you want if you need to talk.

Hugs,

Matt

Hello.
Failed at hanging. Couldn't find the sweet spot. My head felt like it was going to explode and I wasn't passing out.

Managed to scramble out of a noose some how, then spent all morning crying about how pathetic I am and how I stopped myself from ending it all.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

What? For some reason you sound like someone who was recently banned.

Hmm, yeah, I know who you mean

 

[nopointofliving]

Hello friend,

You must be proud of yourself. You have survived many battles on your own.

I feel your pain. I know we always get affected of how close people define us. Free yourself from their words and definitions. You are too STRONG and BRAVE. You passed through hard time at young age, and you had the courage to face the dark. This is a warrior trait. You fought bravely for a long time. It's time to have some rest. Please take a shower tonight. Watch some videos and relax for a while. Then, you can decide what to do next. I totally understand and respect your decision whatever it is. I wish you nothing but peace and light.

 

[Somage]

This is a ten week old post why are you replying now?? Last post end of February it's now may what is the point bit late no?