Help Really weird feeling, Have you ever felt that ?

[Nirrend]

Good evening to all,

I am making this thread because something is bothering me.

To put it simply, I have been keeping a diary for several weeks now, which I know will inevitably lead me to my death. This was the goal and my objective was to allow people who wish to do so and who are going through these phases, to understand, detect, remove guilt or reassure themselves about what they are going through before they die (I WOULD NEVER ENCOURAGE ANYONE OF COURSE).

The problem is, as I wrote in my diary today, I felt really bad about one thing.

Yesterday I had what may have seemed like a good time and it made me forget about my ctb project for a moment, so much so that when I realised it, I panicked.

It sounds absurd and I understand, but the fact that I've always had proof (even when I was having happy moments that I always considered illusory) that I'm unhappy with my life and suddenly I forget that I want to end it, it terrified me.

To put it simply, I don't know what to think anymore, because this whole day, I lived it normally until I thought about it and said to myself, "But this pain will come back".

A few days ago I was totally ready to leave, now I feel confused, I don't know if it's the right solution anymore. But I did everything, I tried everything to get better and in the end it all came back to suicide.

When I write this, I feel both indifferent and worried, because I wonder if you've been there, if you too have a false flash of lucidity where you say to yourself "I'm wrong, in fact, life is great" and then you quickly come back to yourself.

I wonder if I'm not the one doing the false maintenance

I wonder if I'm really suffering or if I'm making up a life for myself, it's extremely disturbing

I wonder if I'm really going to make it in ctb, because it changes all my plans

I wonder if it's a trick of my brain or SI to keep my body from ending soon

I wonder if I'm just unconsciously minimizing what I am really living and traduce it by a fake well being

I really don't know what to do, when 99% of the time I know I'm suffering...

I also know that I don't want to fight anymore

Has this ever happened to you?

I wish you a good evening <3

 

[blackwidow]

I'm new to here but been lurking in the background for a few months now.. something I've learned from reading many posts is that we are all here for different reasons.. and many have been here a while. something I noticed is that ctb can become an obsession to some... almost to the point where having a good day throws them totally, like you, and they feel guilty for it. such uncertainty is this life we exist in.. After reading your post I would remind yourself that you are in control of what you do, and only you. ctb is always there, it's an option not something you have to do at a specific time.. we have good days and horrendous ones.. you may find your writing your diary for years or for just one more day, but in the mean time don't beat yourself up because you had a good day, and think you shouldn't and don't deserve it.. you do. take care

 

[Jrmull1993]

@Nirrend Just because your planning to CTB doesn't mean your not entitled to have a great day.

My only advise is to live day by day and if you get to the point where a potential good day won't change how you feel, then by all means CTB. However, if your feeling that a good day may take the pain away than it may make sense to put the plans on the back-burner for the time being.

I'm living a halfway decent life at the moment, however I know what my future holds, which is why I'll be exiting life early to avoid the inevitable. While I feel my plan is great for me, no plan is universal. Perhaps reading over your diary and reassess where you are at the moment?

 

[theboy]

I also have a life diary. Sometimes I review my previous pages and say to myself "Oh, what I wrote is very sad and strong". I understand you. There are times when you wake up and realize that you are facing death itself. Then that feeling goes away and you go back into the cycle of depression wanting to do CTB.

It is common to ask your same concerns. These are moments when we evaluate where we are going and where I am now.

 

[Lily (Osako)]

I've actually thought about this.
If my situation were to change for the better, would I still choose to ctb?
Some days the answer is yes, some days the answer is no, and most days the answer is I have no idea.
It's ok to question your decision. It's okay to be confused or uncertain.
I think it's pretty normal.
I can't and won't tell you what to do. That is your decision alone.
But there is no shame in questioning whether or not this is the right decision for you.
There is no shame in changing your mind. Nor is there any shame in deciding you're ready to go.
Whatever you decide, we are all here for you and support whichever decision you make. We also support you not deciding right now.
There is no deadline (no pun intended) on when you should decide.

 

[Obliviate]

Hello, I'm new here and I can definitely relate. It's like you know life is hell and the world is falling apart and you're at your lowest but you have those rare good days that make you question everything. That is what we call being human and having emotions. I'll have good/fun moments and then bam the universe hits me with something awful that gives you a reality check reminding you that the "good moments" are fake. For example I'll be having somewhat of a good day and then go on social media and a post about a shooting, murder, rape, animal abuse pops ups and then it's like falling into the dark pit hole again. Or someone being rude or something bad happening and your like "Ah there it is"

 

[damaged_soul]

A similar thing happened to me. After failing my suicide attempt in December, I planned to try again this summer. For many months, I was super passionate and determined about suicide. I thought about it constantly and knowing that I would get to die soon gave me strength to keep going through my days. Then one random day in May, all of a sudden something happened. I was trying to fall asleep when suddenly a flicker of doubt crossed my mind about ctb. It was totally random. Ever since that moment, doubts have continued to pile up in my brain. The doubts aren't based on logic or reason, or on being satisfied enough with life to keep going -- they're based purely on fear of what will happen when I attempt. Originally I had thought that I would be done with my suicide research/plan in July and would ctb in August, but my fears have delayed me so much that it is mid-August now and I still haven't procured most of the items I need. I honestly think this whole thing was just a sadistic twist of my mind to kick in SI and force me to live. In any case, I really hope I will still be able to ctb sometime in the coming months, especially since things are about to get much, much worse for me soon.

 

[MetroTransit]

I have had that happen a few times. After my first attempt I didn't think I would live longer than the next week or two and then the planned date moves forward. To be honest it is really the simple things that made these feelings dissipate for a bit: listening to some music , going outside, driving, going out with my mother since I know she enjoys it. I'm not religious, but it could be that maybe the universe doesn't want me to leave early, though I don't really know. I think that it is possible that being reminded of what we enjoy in life allows nature to make us hold on despite what we want. Of course the desire to want to end it all comes in waves and when I'm not distracted with something more immediate.

 

[Nirrend]

Thank you everyone for your enlightening words ! That made me think a lot and since this morning I realize that yes, when we are obsessed with CTB, we tend to forget what a non-focused state of mind looks like. Now I'm more fair with my thoughts and yes, CTB ideation came back.

So it seems that this is the normal track of life and in the future it could happen again but I don't care.

Wishing you a good day :)

 

[dreamofsheep]

Yes! I almost begrudge the times when I feel fine because it seems easier if I was resolute and at peace with my decision.

 

[novem]

You are bargaining with yourself periodically. I have this feeling all the time. There is a reason for your decision to ctb. And I suppose the reason did not vanish. You are just distracted by a dose of serotonin.

 

[anxiety cat]

I can completely relate to what your saying. I have these mental battles daily…

 

[cujoh]

being happy leads me to being miserable as fuck for this very reason.

 

[Limerance]

Maybe something in your life changed and you haven't noticed? I'm talking about other people's attitudes, someone you met, a new idea that popped in your head.

Meaning may come from really weird places. I'm constantly swinging between wanting to end everything, believing I'm more useful alive, or simply wanting to be there to see where things go.

Sometimes, you don't have to understand everything. Just focus on how you're feeling instead of the meaning behind it. Maybe it'll help you refocus.