Really want to find my peace but i promised not!!!!!

[-Raven's Night-]

I have been reading through posts for some time and a feeling of...maybe envy...(sorry for my alexithymia) always appear when people find their peace. My life basically never had a moment that I feel peace because of asd. because of it I keep finding trouble for myself, being criticized for being ''full of disgusting integrity'' and I just don't want to live in a strange world where it's wrong for obeying the rules and my behavior is strange because I am born like this. And there's even one thing that is too hard and can't be expressed by me (it cause me anxiety attack!) I do believe not everyone encounter such thing in their life. I failed to even tell my only and best friend. Moreover, I do something and have achieved something great each time but I can't keep it in mind, I still feel worthless. I be a open sufferer of asd and mood disorders online, sharing my poems, I wrote article for famous public accounts, I entered my ideal university though it's long time ago, but I do feel suck because no one hear me, I know it's strange feelings.
As you may see I was a member there almost three years ago but keep relatively silent. Have been suicidal for 5 years, when I was 17, I thought I would ctb at 18. When I was 18, I promised my best friend that I'll ctb at 27 yrs old (there's a date but since date is not allowed, not sure if years is allowed), because I do believe that a date set would ease his worry because once I made a promise I'll stick with it and will not ctb beforehand. I have chosen my method and keep visualizing the scene on the last day. That, to be honest, have been a consolation. because all I see is peace and really want to dive deep into it.
because that socialization is so hard. hypersensitivity is too hard, way to understand liberal meaning as an asd feature is annoying, I was hanging around in other forums I frequently visited but they don't give a fuck about me now. I feel so lonely. It's just like... I have been tried 8 kinds of meds just to find that what I have been suffering with is not what can be treated by meds but is a neurodevelopmental disorder, and then there are mood disorders following it. So sorry for venting so much, to sum up, how to deal with the situation that I really want to find my peace before those terrible scenes that keeps popping in my paranoid brain eat me alive but actually I can't ctb until (much) later. Almost crying, I will nothing will trigger me once again in my life which always happen AFTER the weekly counseling.
I understand my best friend that wishing me to postpone the date for ctb but the fact is I think the date is too late already. Still full of gratitude for him for listening to me venting all night long.

 

[jodes2]

There's fucking nothing wrong with integrity, my friend. Stay strong the thing with ASD is you can learn to do things differently if you like, with varying degrees of difficulty, but you have it in you

 

[-Raven's Night-]

There's fucking nothing wrong with integrity, my friend. Stay strong the thing with ASD is you can learn to do things differently if you like, with varying degrees of difficulty, but you have it in you

Thank you so much!!! yes I try to believe that I didn't do anything wrong, and of course will keep strong since I made that promise.

 

[jodes2]

nk you so much!!! yes I try to believe that I didn't do anything wrong, and of course will keep strong since I made that promise.

You're very welcome! Good man I truly wish you the best of luck, I know what ASD is like

 

[FuneralCry]

I believe it to be true that some people are simply not meant for this world. At least to me such a thing as peace could never exist in this life, it would be impossible. It does sound like a difficult situation to be in and I get that it's tiring feeling as though you have to carry on enduring this existence when you want to be gone, but I wish you the best.

 

[-Raven's Night-]

I believe it to be true that some people are simply not meant for this world. At least to me such a thing as peace could never exist in this life, it would be impossible. It does sound like a difficult situation to be in and I get that it's tiring feeling as though you have to carry on enduring this existence when you want to be gone, but I wish you the best.

Strongly agree. It's just like that i accidentally came to this world and it's a wrong place. The only reason to stay is the promise i made, my parents would be sad, and that they have invested so much money for my tuition fee of this university, pretty annoying makes me feel unable to make my own choice. I feel kinda jealous when seeing member have the choice to ctb and to find their peace... But i'm almost sure that i can go ctb at the time promised... don't want to delay that, i can't wait. Enduring this existence when wanting to be gone is so well written. Thank you so much and sorry that peace also do not exist in your life. (I re-read my first post and found that i wrote it in a rush and so hard to understand clearly...)