lopbunny
Member
- Jan 24, 2021
- 7
Hi, I have been majorly depressed since I was 13 and it's only gotten worse recently. My parents basically kicked me out when I graduated high school, I work a full time job at a place I hate but I can't quit because I won't make enough money to live otherwise, I hardly make enough money with what I make now, and since I don't have a degree yet, other full time jobs don't pay shit (the only reason I got this job was because my sister's friend works there). I absolutely hate every minute of it, so many other things are going wrong in my life too, once I think it can't get any worse I'm proven wrong.
I'm just so fucking tired of living a life I don't even care about, I don't find anything fun, I hate working, every day I ask myself why I'm even alive. Therefore, I want to ctb. The problem is, I'm absolutely terrified of killing myself. Mostly because of the pain that comes with it, I'm a fucking coward and can't handle pain. I've thought about overdosing, but I tried that once and ended up chickening out (not taking enough), I still ended up in the hospital with tremors, tachycardia, I vomited once, it was honestly terrifying. I was in a lot of pain and now I get random bouts of chest pain/fast heart rate because of it. Luckily I was able to play that visit to the hospital off as me accidentally missing a few doses of my medication and taking extra to "make up for it". I've also thought about slitting my wrists but whenever I do cut I'm barely able to cut deep at all, it's fucking pathetic, they look like kitten scratches. I hate myself so much but can't even hurt myself like I deserve because I'm a pussy with pain, what a fucking joke. Would alcohol help dull the pain? Like if I were to cut when I was really drunk, would I feel it as much? I bought a surgical scalpel just in case, as I heard it hurts less.
I've thought of taking some sleeping pills while in the bath and hoping I fall asleep and fall underwater, but idk if that would work either. I've seen on here that SN is a common method but I'm kind of scared of ingesting anything since my failed overdose attempt. Tachycardia and tremors are so fucking scary. I also don't have access to the other medications people who use SN recommend to use with it. I wish there was just an easy way to call it quits without the pain. I'm so tired of being tired and sad all the time, I have mental breakdowns on the regular and I'm just so so tired. I feel like such a fake bc I want to just end this but I don't even have the courage to ctb.
Would this be easier if I were to stop taking my antidepressants? I don't feel like they really work but maybe I'd feel a lot worse and get the courage to ctb if I stopped taking them all together.
Any thoughts on what I should do?
I'm just so fucking tired of living a life I don't even care about, I don't find anything fun, I hate working, every day I ask myself why I'm even alive. Therefore, I want to ctb. The problem is, I'm absolutely terrified of killing myself. Mostly because of the pain that comes with it, I'm a fucking coward and can't handle pain. I've thought about overdosing, but I tried that once and ended up chickening out (not taking enough), I still ended up in the hospital with tremors, tachycardia, I vomited once, it was honestly terrifying. I was in a lot of pain and now I get random bouts of chest pain/fast heart rate because of it. Luckily I was able to play that visit to the hospital off as me accidentally missing a few doses of my medication and taking extra to "make up for it". I've also thought about slitting my wrists but whenever I do cut I'm barely able to cut deep at all, it's fucking pathetic, they look like kitten scratches. I hate myself so much but can't even hurt myself like I deserve because I'm a pussy with pain, what a fucking joke. Would alcohol help dull the pain? Like if I were to cut when I was really drunk, would I feel it as much? I bought a surgical scalpel just in case, as I heard it hurts less.
I've thought of taking some sleeping pills while in the bath and hoping I fall asleep and fall underwater, but idk if that would work either. I've seen on here that SN is a common method but I'm kind of scared of ingesting anything since my failed overdose attempt. Tachycardia and tremors are so fucking scary. I also don't have access to the other medications people who use SN recommend to use with it. I wish there was just an easy way to call it quits without the pain. I'm so tired of being tired and sad all the time, I have mental breakdowns on the regular and I'm just so so tired. I feel like such a fake bc I want to just end this but I don't even have the courage to ctb.
Would this be easier if I were to stop taking my antidepressants? I don't feel like they really work but maybe I'd feel a lot worse and get the courage to ctb if I stopped taking them all together.
Any thoughts on what I should do?
Last edited:
