Venting Really tired of living in ctb limbo

[Made4TV]

I'm trying to put things into place so I can ctb. Hopefully soon.

I have a call with a lawyer to review a few questions I have about my will. Then I'll have that and my Power of Attorney and Medical POA, living will etc done and just need to get them witnessed and notarized. I've downloaded the form to get the title replacement for my car so that the person who has to sort things out after I go will have an easier time of things. I've also sent my best friend quite a few notes with all my banking and password information, etc.

At the same time, I'm making plans for Christmas, even though I hope to be gone before then. I feel really guilty about this but a friend might pay my way, and I don't know how to feel about bailing on that. And I'm paving the way to potentially file for bankruptcy after the new year as my financial situation is now pretty dire. I'm also looking for work in my field just in case I don't ctb, and I have several doctors appointments coming up in the next few weeks. I don't want to cancel them because if I end up not ctb, I want this medical stuff taken care of.

But it also feels like a waste of time to have an MRI, ultrasound, and other appointments (5 in the next three weeks) if I'm going to ctb as soon as those are done.

I told my therapist today that I couldn't see her anymore this month because of finances, thinking that would help at least sort of cut one tie. She then told me she would see me once a week for the rest of the month without charging. So I agreed, because...damn, what can I say to that? She really cares about me.

I am just so torn and it's hard to be making plans but also making other plans that are totally contradictory. I hate this limbo. Hate it.

I keep trying to cut ties with people so it will hurt less but it's not working. And then a friend goes out of her way to try to hang out with me over Christmas and I don't know how to say no to that. I don't want to say no, then decide to postpone ctb for some reason, and then end up spending another lonely Christmas eating pizza.

And my cat. When I was at the vet the other day I picked up 2 months worth of his medicine even though....who knows. I felt like I should only be getting 1 month since it's a waste to get the second month when I won't need it. Except...if I will.

Anyone else hate this?

 

[TiredHorse]

Oh, I hate this like only someone in your shoes can begine to imagine! Awful, isn't it?

I make my own granola in batches that last about a month. I ran out four days ago. Yesterday I broke down and made another batch, feeling furious and wretched the entire time --I don't want to be around long enough to go through another damned batch of granola! Hell, at this point I hate buying a loaf of bread, or a quart of milk, because it implies I'll be around long enough to use it.

A friend asked if I wanted to purchase some shop supplies on his order, to make the purchase enough for free shipping. Yeah, I guess... But must I remain alive long enough to use the supplies? Or to even receive the shipment?

Gods damn it, why can't I pull myself together and LEAVE!?

I've tried this before, I know what it takes, I've been practicing with the bag and the tank... And I'm so damned exhausted, and all the pain is still there, and it hurts just as bad as ever, but it keeps slipping out of reach when I try and use it.

Soon. Please, soon. Before Solstice. Just let this end.

Limbo is its own special flavor of hell.

 

[TAW122]

I hate living in limbo too, but most of my circumstances are generally bad that I've grown fairly accustomed to a lot of rejection, disappointment, and what not. I'm in the state where all it takes is a powerful catalyst (shitty enough event to send me over the edge) and it's all over for me. I've also become disconnected with many things and just feign happiness and joy (as to not arouse suspicions). I will be going to get my firearm this month, just waiting for that one special time where nobody is at home so I can just carry the damn beautiful instrument into my bedroom without raising alarms.

 

[Retched]

Limbo is awful.

 

[311]

Agreed

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

 

[Kdawg2018]

Yes limbo is aweful! I've taken most of my clothes to consignment as a way to get rid of them. I made my exit bag the other day & all my nitrogen stuff is waiting on a test run of the system. I spent most of my money on the setup (Im unemployed) so I need to ctb soon, I have mixed reviews on picking a day vs waiting for a day Im in the right mood for it. But pretending like I have plans for x mas etc and pretending daily that I am ok is exhausting!

 

[Deivis]

Yeah, but it's all up there, man, in your mind.

You tend to think in a negative way, while you should rather sweet-coat it and think in a positive way.
Like you're moving to another country and cutting loose ends.

There is hundreds of people who offed themselves to back you and me up.

Think like a samurai or whatever - an astronaut in a spacecraft to Mars.

I'm actually glad that more and more people choose to end themselves how they want and when they want. It's our middle finger to the rest, to our ever-decomposing bodies that we are forced to feed and wash, our minds that give us nothing but despair and so on!

It was in the news today that some Navy General of the 5th Fleet in Bahrain offed himself. Great.

Kate Spade, Avicii, Chester Bennington, dozens and dozens of unknown heroes - they have to become new role models for the 21st century, when we all have a free will and don't bow our necks for any authority - be it a fucking church, family, IRS, or whatever.

Maybe when you finish all your tasks, you'll change your mind and live happily ever after, who knows?

We all are just gladiators in the Colosseum, fighting through our day, all aware of the outcome, while the chosen few are laughing at us from above!

 

[Made4TV]

Yes limbo is aweful! I've taken most of my clothes to consignment as a way to get rid of them. I made my exit bag the other day & all my nitrogen stuff is waiting on a test run of the system. I spent most of my money on the setup (Im unemployed) so I need to ctb soon, I have mixed reviews on picking a day vs waiting for a day Im in the right mood for it. But pretending like I have plans for x mas etc and pretending daily that I am ok is exhausting!

Totally agree. I had to sign up for insurance for next year which I didn't even want to do....but....if I don't ctb that'll be horrible if I don't have insurance next year. Even though I can't really afford the initial premium payment I need to make right now. Aaaaarrrrrgh. I hate this. But I have to get more things in place or else I won't feel comfortable about ctb. And Christmas - everyone is trying to make plans for that. And someone is asking me about getting together the end of that week....and it feels so awful to say yes, thinking it might be no, but then again, might be yes. What a cluster.

 

[Deivis]

Even though I can't really afford the initial premium payment I need to make right now. Aaaaarrrrrgh. I hate this.

You've mentioned some therapist. What kind of treatment do they provide? CBT and pills?
Can you say anything about its efficacy?

 

[Kdawg2018]

Yeah, but it's all up there, man, in your mind.

You tend to think in a negative way, while you should rather sweet-coat it and think in a positive way.
Like you're moving to another country and cutting loose ends.

There is hundreds of people who offed themselves to back you and me up.

Think like a samurai or whatever - an astronaut in a spacecraft to Mars.

I'm actually glad that more and more people choose to end themselves how they want and when they want. It's our middle finger to the rest, to our ever-decomposing bodies that we are forced to feed and wash, our minds that give us nothing but despair and so on!

It was in the news today that some Navy General of the 5th Fleet in Bahrain offed himself. Great.

Kate Spade, Avicii, Chester Bennington, dozens and dozens of unknown heroes - they have to become new role models for the 21st century, when we all have a free will and don't bow our necks for any authority - be it a fucking church, family, IRS, or whatever.

Maybe when you finish all your tasks, you'll change your mind and live happily ever after, who knows?

We all are just gladiators in the Colosseum, fighting through our day, all aware of the outcome, while the chosen few are laughing at us from above!

I like your post! The one that really got me was Anthony B, he made me want to travel a lot & I went abroad for a year, I was really depressed when I heard of his death, but I support him obviously in his choice. I am waiting for everything to line up for me and I feel like, when is it my day to join the choosen ones :P

 

[Made4TV]

You've mentioned some therapist. What kind of treatment do they provide? CBT and pills?
Can you say anything about its efficacy?

Hi, yeah, I've had really good luck with my current therapist and psychiatrist. I do take a huge handful of antidepressants because....suicidal AF if I don't. I've had pretty good success with my current cocktail. If you consider being on this site to be "pretty good success" - ha. A lot of my depression isn't chemical though...although through the years I'm sure it's changed my brain chemistry. I'm currently on a pretty good combination of Effexor, Wellbutrin, and Remeron. No huge side effects except appetite stimulant with the Remeron. Which sucks because I'm already fat. But whenever we try to discontinue that one, I tank within a few weeks. I've been on a lot of other antidepressants in the past with varying degrees of success. Had a very difficult time getting off Paxil, and I think I have a slight hand tremor from an atypical anti-psychotic I once took. Otherwise I seem to be an outlier here on this forum with my success with meds.

I've had DBT therapy in the past which I've found helpful. I've seen it help lots of people who are borderline. I'm not, but I still came away with a lot of good insight and skills. Definitely recommend folks at least look into it. A lot of behavioral health hospitals and community mental health programs (at least in the US) offer some of it through day programs, or other groups. It's not usually something you do with individual therapy. You could also get the books/workbook online I'm sure. With my therapist and my doctor I do regular talk therapy that is complicated because I have DID (multiple personality disorder). So we (me and other personalities) talk quite a bit about our past trauma and try to work through and resolve issues as they come up. We do trauma work to process what trauma we can. We also work a lot on working together as a team - communication and understanding each other. So I don't know if this is CBT or what...I've also had good therapy in the past that was more addressing current life stressors (not delving into my trauma). But I didn't know about the DID then, so things were a little more straightforward. Therapy (the therapy I've had with *good* therapists - I've had some bad ones too) has really helped me. HOWEVER, this is a big however, we have it better in some ways in the US because we can usually choose our therapist and take time to pick one that might be right for us. Some people can't do that depending on their insurance. For me, I wasn't able to find a therapist on my insurance who has expertise in DID, so I have to pay out of pocket. Part of the reason I plan on ctb - can no longer afford the therapy. Those on NIH - it's my understanding you get assigned to someone randomly and there is quite a wait. That would be hard - like you're just stuck with whatever person they pair you with? And if you have a misunderstanding or something that follows you on your record? Sounds like crap to me, even though I do think the US should have single-payer health care.

Sorry I went way off on tangents. Feeling very chatty today I guess.