Really struggling with body issues

[wantingdignity]

My body has gone through abusive incidents with my ex, including rape. It has gone through witnessing violence from an accident that killed several of my coworkers. It has gone through sudden weight gain from depression. It has gone through starting and stopping a suicide attempt. It has gone through self harm. It has gone through the panic of being hospitalized. It has gone through stressful jobs and volunteer work.

I am really, really struggling on feeling comfortable in my body. There are some things that are temporarily helping, like grounding exercises and gentler self talk.

I don't feel like my body is my own. It feels like a heavy blob. I take it on walks and it struggles to do basic things. It feels scared of me sometimes. I don't feel scared of my ex, but I feel scared of me. I feel like something snapped in my brain. I want to be hurt. I sometimes want someone to kill me.

I want to yell and scream. Maybe it's just because he's not here anymore that I'm feeling things again. How do you get through a breakup when someone was abusive? I can't have drunken escapades with my friends because I ended up in the ER from alcohol too recently. I can't have a hoe phase because I don't want anyone to see my body. I desperately want to be touched, but freak out when people actually do.

My ideal world right now would be if all of my friends could come over and hang out while I cried in the middle of the room and only got pats on the back as interaction. If that could be my whole life, it would be great.

I desperately need to start living again. How the fuck do I exist in my body? How do I feel like it's mine? I know some people on here have given some advice before. I'm trying everything.

 

[The Actual Devil]

My body has gone through abusive incidents with my ex, including rape...How do I feel like it's mine?

Hello, fellow survivor. I remember you from this thread, among others. What a club we belong to. I know we're opposite genders, but I may be able to help a little. To feel more comfortable in your body again, you may need to take a higher level of control over it, at least in the short term.

I liked to exercise a lot, and sculpting my body while keeping track of progress through pictures made the slow process feel more real. I didn't keep or share them, but it helped at the time to have them. I noticed someone else suggested something like that in a similar thread you started, and while their heart was in the right place, you were again getting advice from someone of the opposite gender. Men and women tend to prefer different exercise routines based on their preferences toward masculinity and femininity; if you prefer to look and feel feminine, a cardio routine combined with endurance workouts would fit that bill. The effect it would have would be to tone and slim your body rather than bulk up. I can point you in the right direction for that, if you'd like. Or if I'm way off on what your goals for your body are, I can recommend something more in line with them.

I also developed a rigid hygiene routine. Shaving/shaping hair, trimming nails and cuticles, scrubbing off dead skin, and removing blackheads. Obsessing over your looks may cause you to replace one issue for another, but for whatever reason, I never went full "obsessive" and was able to scale back the "neurotic-ness" of my routine over time. It helped me feel in control when it mattered most. I suppose you also have the option of learning advanced make-up usage, skin-care routines, hair-styling: you could go all-in on whatever beauty influencers these days are pushing. Be warned, though, that--like I said before--it could just be putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. Short term: yes, give anything and everything a try as long as it isn't harmful to you or others, why not? Long term: definitely therapy--trust a professional to tell you when a coping skill has crossed over into unhealthy obsession.

I think I've saved the most unconventional advice for last. I had a therapist who had gone through the ringer, same as us: a sexually abusive ex. And according to them, they got into tattoos and piercings as their way of taking back ownership over their body. Over time, they had gotten a couple of sleeves, some on their legs, and a couple of big torso tats. You could start with one somewhere obscure and see how it makes you feel. I never tried it, but there's so many inked-up people that have been through shit, I think must help more than we realize. For piercings, you could try something simple like a nose or belly button stud, or maybe a few of the more uncommon ones in your ears.
And if you are already covered in tats and piercings, then I'm sorry this last bit isn't very helpful, but I hope bumping your post helps you find some better advice.

Essentially, your current body reminds you of everything you've lived through, scars and all. You can learn to love it the way it is or go through a metamorphosis: radical acceptance or radical change. I've yet to be convinced that one choice is healthier than the other. I hope that what you end up trying helps you heal entirely.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

My body has gone through abusive incidents with my ex, including rape. It has gone through witnessing violence from an accident that killed several of my coworkers. It has gone through sudden weight gain from depression. It has gone through starting and stopping a suicide attempt. It has gone through self harm. It has gone through the panic of being hospitalized. It has gone through stressful jobs and volunteer work.

I am really, really struggling on feeling comfortable in my body. There are some things that are temporarily helping, like grounding exercises and gentler self talk.

I don't feel like my body is my own. It feels like a heavy blob. I take it on walks and it struggles to do basic things. It feels scared of me sometimes. I don't feel scared of my ex, but I feel scared of me. I feel like something snapped in my brain. I want to be hurt. I sometimes want someone to kill me.

I want to yell and scream. Maybe it's just because he's not here anymore that I'm feeling things again. How do you get through a breakup when someone was abusive? I can't have drunken escapades with my friends because I ended up in the ER from alcohol too recently. I can't have a hoe phase because I don't want anyone to see my body. I desperately want to be touched, but freak out when people actually do.

My ideal world right now would be if all of my friends could come over and hang out while I cried in the middle of the room and only got pats on the back as interaction. If that could be my whole life, it would be great.

I desperately need to start living again. How the fuck do I exist in my body? How do I feel like it's mine? I know some people on here have given some advice before. I'm trying everything.

My body has gone through abusive incidents with my ex, including rape. It has gone through witnessing violence from an accident that killed several of my coworkers. It has gone through sudden weight gain from depression. It has gone through starting and stopping a suicide attempt. It has gone through self harm. It has gone through the panic of being hospitalized. It has gone through stressful jobs and volunteer work.

I am really, really struggling on feeling comfortable in my body. There are some things that are temporarily helping, like grounding exercises and gentler self talk.

I don't feel like my body is my own. It feels like a heavy blob. I take it on walks and it struggles to do basic things. It feels scared of me sometimes. I don't feel scared of my ex, but I feel scared of me. I feel like something snapped in my brain. I want to be hurt. I sometimes want someone to kill me.

I want to yell and scream. Maybe it's just because he's not here anymore that I'm feeling things again. How do you get through a breakup when someone was abusive? I can't have drunken escapades with my friends because I ended up in the ER from alcohol too recently. I can't have a hoe phase because I don't want anyone to see my body. I desperately want to be touched, but freak out when people actually do.

My ideal world right now would be if all of my friends could come over and hang out while I cried in the middle of the room and only got pats on the back as interaction. If that could be my whole life, it would be great.

I desperately need to start living again. How the fuck do I exist in my body? How do I feel like it's mine? I know some people on here have given some advice before. I'm trying everything.

You're spiraling and your subconscious is trying to process the trauma you've been through. So I'm going to summarize this but you might want to do some reading in your spare time on the subject.

When you go through abusive and traumatic events, your brain struggles to process whatever you been through... But you might become abusive if you don't forgive yourself, that's what it sounds like when you're saying you want people to hurt you. Now as for the whole hoe phase thing...
We are affected by the people we sleep with and the more people you let into your personal space,
The more of them you become. This isn't inherently just a spiritual/energy thing it's a psychological pathology.

I think regardless if you're skinny or fat, pretty or ugly, you should be loved for who you are...
But the problem is you're not going to feel loved until you're able to let those walls down.

So you're looking for the external validation and empathy of friends just letting you vent, but you're wanting it to be more but also only if you want it.
So you're seeking control. But seeking control is only just going to tear you apart. Even seeking people to use you sexually is a form of seeking control over the person who sexually assaulted you.

I think the best thing to do is to have a long talk with yourself. It's okay to be weak and it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay not to know what to do. It's okay to cry your eyes out and it's okay to be numb.
But you will never be able to fill the void inside yourself with another human being. I'm 33, recovering sex addict. An ex con, and really...
A man who tried to build himself out of the broken pieces of other people. In my hunger I only ate things that left me malnourished. In trying to be strong I broke everything in my world.

You are stronger than a hurricane, once you accept that it's not about control, it's not about flying...
It's about trust and "gliding" through the chaos.
So count the small wins, you'll get there.