really sad today

[Sinkinshyp]

I'm having one of my days that it's hard to feel anything other than pain and wanting my son. Next month just over 2 1/2 weeks my son will be gone 3 years October 13 and also my CTB date. Just about 2 weeks past that I'm supposed to be 49. I just am so destroyed. I want to take this card, his ashes, my pictures of my boys and go to the hotel and just CTB tomorrow. Waking up is just so much torture. I just cannot function without my son. We were so close. I just don't know why my heart keeps beating it's just so broken my heart was his how can it keep beating. He was my life my everything my reason to be. I just want to hug him and hold him. I'm not asking to be rich or famous I just want my family back. I just want my son. I am so angry I let him get his license. He would have had his license 2 yrs Oct 28th. He didn't even have it 2 years and died in a car accident at 25. He always had a passion for cars. He always had a car since 15 he would do things to them and sell them for profit. I wouldn't let him get his license because I always feared he would die in a car accident. I told him a car is a deadly piece of equipment. He wasn't responsible enough to take the garbage out he surely isn't responsible enough to have a license. He respected me and did not get his license after he turned 18. He was such an amazing person, son, man & friend.

I'm so sorry for those who have bad moms. I wish I could just hug you all and hold you and love you as a mom. It would help heal my broken heart and hopefully give you the love you need but are unable to get. I would love to tell horrible parents what hell is- waking up never to hear I love you mom, waking up and being so broken you can't even put your sox on because you're shaking and crying for your child. I just want my son I just want a hug from him I just want him to say I love you mom...

When my older son picked out cards or gifts for me I know he put a lot of thought into it, he just didn't grab any card or item. 2013 was a rough one as I was on life support for respiratory failure from emphysema and cold germs in September. He was 21 than and faced with some decisions as my next of kin. This was my birthday card from 2014. His writing is horrible so I'll type what he wrote. He always tried to use poetry since he was a teenager. Here is what he wrote on the card.

Mom your birthday means so much to me. To have you in my life another year. The time I spend enfolded in your love each day each moment is so dear. I cherish the very special bond we have. You lift my spirit in so many ways. I celebrate your life. I honor you and send you my love and care and praise. Hope today and the rest of time goes nothing but uphill for you. I appreciate everything you've done for me and I hope for nothing but happiness for you. Love you mom Happy Birthday.

I only wish he knew that happiness he wished upon me was already there. I had my sons at home and being mom made me happier than I could have ever thought possible..

 

[XYZ]

May you meet your son again.

 

[Ghost2211]

I wish there was more I could do to help. I can imagine the hell you're dealing with. I'm so sorry for your losses. My heart breaks for you. It's lovely you still have the card. I'm here if you ever want to talk, or if it would help you to share happy memories of your boys. Sending you hugs and love.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

May you meet your son again.

I can't wait. I picture my afterlife. Him meeting me smiling with his amazing blue eyes. I don't know if we can hug as a spirit but I want to hug him and never stop. I have 3 years of love and hugs waiting for him.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i'm sorry for your loss. i hope that you can see your son again soon.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I wish there was more I could do to help. I can imagine the hell you're dealing with. I'm so sorry for your losses. My heart breaks for you. It's lovely you still have the card. I'm here if you ever want to talk, or if it would help you to share happy memories of your boys. Sending you hugs and love.

Thank you so much RoseyBird. Maybe I'll put replies on this thread of memories of my son. I saved EVERYTHING. I have stuff he made in kindergarten. I saved it so when he grew up and had a family I could pass it down to him. I've asked my mom and bro what do I do with all this stuff now... I can't pass it down to him.. I have every card and gift he ever got/made for me. 2015 I think it was he went on his 1st vacation with a girl he was dating they went to Tennessee. He had a shirt made for me. A momma bear with her cubs and has his name and brothers name on the cubs and it says moms loves. I've put it in a frame because I don't want it ruined. He was always so thoughtful of me. I was so blessed and lucky he was my son and friend.

He was in his teen years. I think about 17. The school counselors said all the girls were his friend and wherever he was there was usually a flock of girls. He talked to me about everything always. He said Mom theres something wrong with me. I don't treat girls how the other guys do. Meaning he was wanting an emotional relationships vs just getting laid. He had had hmm 3 girlfriends by than and he said the girls told him he treats them so good and different than the other guys. I told him I think because you were raised by a single mom you respect the girls more. All his ex girlfriends still tell me how amazingly he treated them how they haven't found a guy who treats them as good as he did.

i'm sorry for your loss. i hope that you can see your son again soon.

thank you. If all goes to plan October 13 I will be reunited with him and we will never be apart again.

 

[BipolarGuy]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I'm sorry that you lost your son.
You know you can PM me.
I may not respond immediately (especially if it's late), but feel free to drop me a line.

 

[Ghost2211]

It sounds like he was a wonderful boy with a lot of potential.

 

[Lilacmoon]

I can't imagine how devastating that would feel. Hope he's waiting for you on the other side. He sounds wonderful.

 

[Mm80]

This is heartbreaking to read. Im so sorry youve gone through this x

 

[BlueOcean]

A really moving post, I have to admit I teared up a bit. Nobody deserves this kind of pain. I'm sure he loved you tremendously.

 

[tidalwxves]

I'm having one of my days that it's hard to feel anything other than pain and wanting my son. Next month just over 2 1/2 weeks my son will be gone 3 years October 13 and also my CTB date. Just about 2 weeks past that I'm supposed to be 49. I just am so destroyed. I want to take this card, his ashes, my pictures of my boys and go to the hotel and just CTB tomorrow. Waking up is just so much torture. I just cannot function without my son. We were so close. I just don't know why my heart keeps beating it's just so broken my heart was his how can it keep beating. He was my life my everything my reason to be. I just want to hug him and hold him. I'm not asking to be rich or famous I just want my family back. I just want my son. I am so angry I let him get his license. He would have had his license 2 yrs Oct 28th. He didn't even have it 2 years and died in a car accident at 25. He always had a passion for cars. He always had a car since 15 he would do things to them and sell them for profit. I wouldn't let him get his license because I always feared he would die in a car accident. I told him a car is a deadly piece of equipment. He wasn't responsible enough to take the garbage out he surely isn't responsible enough to have a license. He respected me and did not get his license after he turned 18. He was such an amazing person, son, man & friend.

I'm so sorry for those who have bad moms. I wish I could just hug you all and hold you and love you as a mom. It would help heal my broken heart and hopefully give you the love you need but are unable to get. I would love to tell horrible parents what hell is- waking up never to hear I love you mom, waking up and being so broken you can't even put your sox on because you're shaking and crying for your child. I just want my son I just want a hug from him I just want him to say I love you mom...

When my older son picked out cards or gifts for me I know he put a lot of thought into it, he just didn't grab any card or item. 2013 was a rough one as I was on life support for respiratory failure from emphysema and cold germs in September. He was 21 than and faced with some decisions as my next of kin. This was my birthday card from 2014. His writing is horrible so I'll type what he wrote. He always tried to use poetry since he was a teenager. Here is what he wrote on the card.

Mom your birthday means so much to me. To have you in my life another year. The time I spend enfolded in your love each day each moment is so dear. I cherish the very special bond we have. You lift my spirit in so many ways. I celebrate your life. I honor you and send you my love and care and praise. Hope today and the rest of time goes nothing but uphill for you. I appreciate everything you've done for me and I hope for nothing but happiness for you. Love you mom Happy Birthday.

I only wish he knew that happiness he wished upon me was already there. I had my sons at home and being mom made me happier than I could have ever thought possible..

I don't mean to dismiss your pain, I understand loosing someone is painful, so please know this comes from a place of love. You had a beautiful relationship with you son, you know it was strong and that he loves you, thats not something everyone gets, if you are having a bad day maybe see what helps you focus on the love more than the loss? I'm not saying that is an easy thing to do, but it could help. Do you talk to your sons friends? Do you have activities that help you keep that memory a live in a way that brings some joy instead of pain?

 

[Sinkinshyp]

It sounds like he was a wonderful boy with a lot of potential.

He was a wonderful person with a ton of potential. He died in his accident on his way to work somewhere between 6:50 am-7:00 am on Friday October 13. His car club he was part of apparently dedicated that nights meeting to him. They met at a vape shop who also makes beer. They shared a picture of a trophy with a beer with a note donations for the blah blah family. I was given the trophy and some of his ashes are in it. I remember the car show he didn't get the trophy and felt he deserved it more than the guy who got it- the car club all felt the same way. So the guy who got it dedicated it to my son. I think they met at 7pm or so that night. They already had bumper stickers made. His car was a shell and he made it so he had a big sticker built not bought across his windshield and his tag was Joe dirt. The stickers they made for him one was Built not bought Joe dirt. There are 4 different bumper stickers out and about for him. They also had T shirts there with a picture of him and his car with a saying nothing beats a great ride. I disagree. But anyway they did not receive confirmation he passed until about 3pm that day so in 4 hours time they made those bumper stickers and T -shirts. They sold them that night at the car meet. I was invited to come to a candle light ceremony Saturday-the night after he passed. I was so xanaxed out I can't believe I wasn't unconscious. They sold bumper stickers and T-shirts that night to. I bought a few of them. After it all happened months later I said what was there like 60 people or so? His best bud Diesel said there were over 200 people there. So many people said such amazing things about my son. We hope our children listen to us and wonder how they act away from us. I learned my son listened to all the lessons I taught him about treating people good. I have a video of the ceremony they made. Some things that were said, Joe was someone they should aspire to be like. If anyone needed help he was there never accepted nor asked for money or anything in return. How if he had to take a part off his car to help someone he would and he loved that car. How he was the most humble guy they knew. How the world lost one of the amazing guys there is. He taught many what a true friend was... I had so many tell me they knew Joey took care of me and I now have a ton of adopted sons who would be honored to be there should I ever need.

At the end of the candle light ceremony Diesel handed me a box. I said whats this? He said look it's something Joe left at my shop. It was addressed to Joe " Gearhead" the way he ordered car parts. I opened it up and it was full of money. I said I cannot accept this. Diesel said they all wanted to help as Joe was one amazing person to please let them help. They covered his cremation an urn and than some. Diesel said when you feel you are able to go to the accident site call me and I will come get you and take you. I said I am xanaxed enough I'm going when I leave here. I wasn't driving my ex sister in law was. Now by this time several people had left to go home. As we were pulling out Diesel yelled club and some numbers and some gathered at his car. So we get to the accident site. I sat in the road where the newspaper showed where his car came to a rest and suddenly cars come. So I got out of the road and there was a steady stream of cars for about 30 minutes. Diesel and the ones who gathered at his car when he called out club and those numbers called ones who had already left. They decided to go to the accident site as support for me. He was beyond loved by so many.

I have asked his friends to leave memories of him on a thread in facebook. I will share it to his facebook October 13th his 3 year anniversary. here are 2 comments that have been left.

" I remember Joe always came into autozone always trying to do something to that Honda of his, I always gave him advice and I let him practice on welding my exhaust after if fell off, I remember him saying he loved that car and he had so much ambition! He brought me up in life when I was down or in a rut! And he did that with so many people, he had the biggest heart I have seen in another person! I miss you Joe! You will always be my friend and I know you're watching! Gone but never forgotten! Love you bro!"

" One time I came out to my car from work to go to lunch and my front tire was flat, I shouted out for a spare here on CS (the car scene) page, joe quickly replied asking for a location of my work, I replied with the address, all the way up in town name! And got no reply, damn I'm screwed, come out after a hard day of work pissed off knowing I couldn't leave, walk around to the front of car and a fresh new tire is on ready to go, joe came and put it on no questions asked no money asked, I text him thank you so much, all he text me was if I can ever return the favor if ever needed , to do my best to do so, I never got the privilege to do that for joe, so I do it for everyone when ever I can! Thanks joe! Miss you buddy." "

I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I'm sorry that you lost your son.
You know you can PM me.
I may not respond immediately (especially if it's late), but feel free to drop me a line.

thank you hun. I appreciate it

I can't imagine how devastating that would feel. Hope he's waiting for you on the other side. He sounds wonderful.

thank you, I believe in my afterlife I will be met by my son waiting with a big smile. I just really hope we can spirit hug. I have 3 years of them saved up

 

[Ghost2211]

Thank you for sharing this. it's lovely to see him in the picture you and his other loved ones paint. He seemed well rounded and loved. It's good to hear he had a life of love and support, as well as passions and interests.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I don't mean to dismiss your pain, I understand loosing someone is painful, so please know this comes from a place of love. You had a beautiful relationship with you son, you know it was strong and that he loves you, thats not something everyone gets, if you are having a bad day maybe see what helps you focus on the love more than the loss? I'm not saying that is an easy thing to do, but it could help. Do you talk to your sons friends? Do you have activities that help you keep that memory a live in a way that brings some joy instead of pain?

thank you. The complicated grief disorder, anxiety, depression and ptsd make it hard to focus on the love without feeling the devastation of the loss. Yes, I was very blessed and lucky to have such an amazing relationship with my son. I know it was special and something many don't get to have. I do talk with some of his friends. Some of them reach out Hey Momma how are you doing? If you read the novel as part of this reply you'll see this car club said I have a bunch of adopted sons. A handful have held true to that promise. I had to move 45 minutes north of where we were living. I have to go down south to where we lived for my doc and pharmacy. Just driving past panda express ( my sons fav place for take out) triggers me into such sadness. It's hard to go past places we went to without being in pain. For a long time going shopping really hurt. First trigger was the redbox because when he went to the store with me he always wanted to see if there was a movie we could watch together. Than of course all his favorites in the store. I have over come the redbox trigger-mostly. My mom keeps saying I need to eat an apple pie for Joey. It was one of his favorites I avoid his favorites as of yet they trigger so much pain. He loved cereal especially before bed. I will sometimes eat some cereal for him at night.

 

[tidalwxves]

thank you. The complicated grief disorder, anxiety, depression and ptsd make it hard to focus on the love without feeling the devastation of the loss. Yes, I was very blessed and lucky to have such an amazing relationship with my son. I know it was special and something many don't get to have. I do talk with some of his friends. Some of them reach out Hey Momma how are you doing? If you read the novel as part of this reply you'll see this car club said I have a bunch of adopted sons. A handful have held true to that promise. I had to move 45 minutes north of where we were living. I have to go down south to where we lived for my doc and pharmacy. Just driving past panda express ( my sons fav place for take out) triggers me into such sadness. It's hard to go past places we went to without being in pain. For a long time going shopping really hurt. First trigger was the redbox because when he went to the store with me he always wanted to see if there was a movie we could watch together. Than of course all his favorites in the store. I have over come the redbox trigger-mostly. My mom keeps saying I need to eat an apple pie for Joey. It was one of his favorites I avoid his favorites as of yet they trigger so much pain. He loved cereal especially before bed. I will sometimes eat some cereal for him at night.

I'm sorry to hear this, I'm sure your son would want you to continue to enjoy these things and it unfortunate you've had such difficulty doing so. I hope that changes, continue to lean on us and know we are proud of your for trying, for sharing your story and also trying to advise others.

 

[Ready2GoNow]

This post is so touching. I'm sure your son knows how much you love him, and his love for you is so clear in that card. I wish I knew the right words to say to make you feel even the slightest bit better, but I don't. I can only pray you will be reunited again. You seem like such an incredible mother, and general human being. I wish I had a mother like you. It will be a great loss to this planet when you leave. I hope you find everything you seek on the other side, and more

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could make it better for you.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I'm sorry to hear this, I'm sure your son would want you to continue to enjoy these things and it unfortunate you've had such difficulty doing so. I hope that changes, continue to lean on us and know we are proud of your for trying, for sharing your story and also trying to advise others.

I have advanced for age emphysema. In 2013 I had full respiratory failure and docs appointed him my next of kin- He was 21 and docs made him decision maker. My mom and my bro and his friends have all said he tried so hard to make the right decisions. How much he loved me and just wanted his mom to be ok. Docs told him I had less than a 30% chance to survive and if I did I would never breathe on my own again my lungs were to damaged- they wanted him to put like a trach in for permanent ventilation. They told him they normally give 30 days but I was so damaged he had 10 days and if he couldn't decide they would and it will be to shut off life support. I cannot imagine what he went through knowing everything was in his hands. My moms advice was just shut me off. She said Joe, you know your mother would never want to spend her life in bed. She likes her gardening and she will never be able to do that again. I wouldn't want to live if I could never say I love you buddy because I had a ventilator hooked up in my vocal chords. They had me in a medical coma- 1 to give my body time to try to heal and 2 so I didn't rip things out if I woke up. They were slowly trying to bring me out of it and I wasn't coming out of it. Apparently he & my mom came in to see me and my leg was moving. My mom said his face lit up and he said nanny shes moving. Thats good isn't it? She said he sat there 3 days after that and would not leave my side. I remember waking up to my son on my left side holding my hand rubbing it. Of course I was confused I didn't know what was going on. I just looked around. I somehow came out of the medical coma and was released 2 weeks later on oxygen with my son as caregiver with a visiting nurse. He took such good care of me and his baby brother who was 12 at the time. He cleaned the house, cooked meals, walked his brother to the bus stop got him at the bus stop, he sat in at every nurse visit and asked beyond mature questions. If I got up to get a drink he would say Mom you aren't supposed to be doing that ask me to do it for you. I had a blood clot in my rt leg. I kept telling him if I sit and do nothing I will never get off the oxygen. 6 months after my respiratory failure I was off the oxygen because I had the best caregiver- my son. He lived at home so he was there to take care of me.

He texted me oct 9th about a girl he had been seeing. I know they were friends with benefits for about 2 yrs. He discussed everything with me. He had decided he wanted to try to commit to her. I texted you mean my son might get married and I might be a nanny? I was so so excited. He died friday oct 13. I met her at the candlelight ceremony and we still talk. She truly loved my son. when they were discussing the relationship he told her if they live together they had to live with me for a while since I needed him. When they move out they need to be close to me because I need him....

I bring all this up because... " I'm sure your son would want you to continue to enjoy these things" my mom and my bro all tell me he would never want me to give up especially because of his car accident. He fought so hard to keep me alive. He would want me to enjoy things for myself and him. Having been a single mom- his dad didn't want him I was all he had. For his first 8 1/2 years he was all I had. Than he became man of the house at 15- he ALWAYS did things for his baby brother & I... he took being man of the house very serious, than my care giver at 21 I think he truly liked the role reversal how he somehow was now the parent. He was so amazing I don't know what I deserved to get so lucky. To have so much love when my early life was so much hell.

thank you for letting me share and lean on you. I truly appreciate so many of you and sharing has eased some of my pain.

 

[Lilacmoon]

Emphysema? I only have asthma and it's already unbearable for me somtimes. I can only empathise with you even more, it's awful not being able to breathe. You have suffered so much, but I'm thankful you were able to relieve some of it here. Thank you for sharing so much :)

 

[Sinkinshyp]

This post is so touching. I'm sure your son knows how much you love him, and his love for you is so clear in that card. I wish I knew the right words to say to make you feel even the slightest bit better, but I don't. I can only pray you will be reunited again. You seem like such an incredible mother, and general human being. I wish I had a mother like you. It will be a great loss to this planet when you leave. I hope you find everything you seek on the other side, and more

Thank you for such kind words. I believe we will be reunited in my afterlife. I will be met with his beautiful smile and amazing blue eyes. I have 3 years of hugs and I love you buddy so hopefully we can spirit hug and I never have to let go. It hurts my heart so many here have had abusive mothers. I wish I could take everyone here who didn't have a loving mother and hug them, show them they are loved. Somehow help their pain and help heal mine.

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could make it better for you.

thank you hun hugs back at ya

Emphysema? I only have asthma and it's already unbearable for me somtimes. I can only empathise with you even more, it's awful not being able to breathe. You have suffered so much, but I'm thankful you were able to relieve some of it here. Thank you for sharing so much :)

yeah it sucks. Humidity makes it really hard to breathe. I miss hot showers, but the steam makes it so I can't breathe and almost pass out. I can't mow the lawn, when my dog gets a wild hair to run it's really hard to chase her down the road. I smoke more than I ever did I'm up to 2-3 packs per day. I was hoping to expedite my lung damage and get out of here that way. The year my son died before he died, 3 different docs told me I wont live to see 50. I'm supposed to be 49 the end of october. I don't feel like my lung damage has worsened and waiting to be in final stage is taking to long. Just befor ehe died they said I was just past 50% through stage 3. Stage 4 is end stage. Thank you for letting me share, it does help. I took my ALL sleeping meds and extra xanax slept 14 hours last night. It's my way to avoid the deep pain I feel. Normally I take 1 of my sleeping meds with a xanax. When I really want to sleep and avoid the pain I take 4 different sleeping pills and extra xanax. I'm sorry you have asthma I hope you can feel better. I might medicate soon as I'm really hurting again.