I know nobody can make this decision for me, but it would be so helpful if anyone could maybe share their thoughts on what they'd do in this situation.
I'm currently experiencing Post Finasteride Syndrome and protracted SSRI withdrawals. These have destroyed my life - constant awful depersonalisation, brain fog, relentless anxiety/feelings of doom, complete anhedonia and non-stop suicidal ideation. Alongside various physical issues (muscle pain, complete sexual dysfunction, awful loose skin). I've lost everything because of this - my job, my independence, any chance of love. I can't eat any food besides meat without worsening these symptoms dramatically.
I'm still in the process of tapering an SSRI, as this can make PFS worse. As I continue doing so, it is likely things will become worse with the withdrawals - I'm pretty sure I had akathisia before.
I know that I cannot live like this - I want nothing but to die. But, I don't know if in a long, long time things might improve. Though it's likely the brain fog, anhedonia and physical issues are likely permanent and related to PFS. A cure for PFS is decades away, if ever.
For the last year I've just been hanging on by a thread, pretty much house bound and just seeing if things got better, which they have very slightly (I kinda feel like I'm living in reality now and not pacing/crying all day)… but still no quality of life… and they may worsen as I try to reduce my SSRI again.
I could continue just hanging on… but here's the thing - I'm soon going to be loosing my job permanently (I've been off sick since the start of the year).
My job has an attached life insurance policy that will pay out to my family, even in the case of suicide.
So I just don't know what to do - I'm pretty sure I can't live like this, but I don't know if I'm always gonna feel like that… but most likely will for the next good few years at least.
I just want my family to be okay as they can be, and the life insurance payout would help them a lot. It feels silly rushing my suicide within the next couple of months, but I know by doing this they'll get a good chunk of money, whereas if I wait, and further down the line still feel like this, they'll get nothing.
This also sounds silly - but a year ago my ex cheated on me and emotionally abused me. I want to leave him a note when I go (not a blaming note, it's not his fault I'm in this position - more just a goodbye and reflecting on the relationship). It's likely he'll be my last love … and the longer I wait to go, the more weird it will seem for him to receive that letter.
I really don't know what to do. I truly just want peace, and for my family to be okay as can be.
I'm currently experiencing Post Finasteride Syndrome and protracted SSRI withdrawals. These have destroyed my life - constant awful depersonalisation, brain fog, relentless anxiety/feelings of doom, complete anhedonia and non-stop suicidal ideation. Alongside various physical issues (muscle pain, complete sexual dysfunction, awful loose skin). I've lost everything because of this - my job, my independence, any chance of love. I can't eat any food besides meat without worsening these symptoms dramatically.
I'm still in the process of tapering an SSRI, as this can make PFS worse. As I continue doing so, it is likely things will become worse with the withdrawals - I'm pretty sure I had akathisia before.
I know that I cannot live like this - I want nothing but to die. But, I don't know if in a long, long time things might improve. Though it's likely the brain fog, anhedonia and physical issues are likely permanent and related to PFS. A cure for PFS is decades away, if ever.
For the last year I've just been hanging on by a thread, pretty much house bound and just seeing if things got better, which they have very slightly (I kinda feel like I'm living in reality now and not pacing/crying all day)… but still no quality of life… and they may worsen as I try to reduce my SSRI again.
I could continue just hanging on… but here's the thing - I'm soon going to be loosing my job permanently (I've been off sick since the start of the year).
My job has an attached life insurance policy that will pay out to my family, even in the case of suicide.
So I just don't know what to do - I'm pretty sure I can't live like this, but I don't know if I'm always gonna feel like that… but most likely will for the next good few years at least.
I just want my family to be okay as they can be, and the life insurance payout would help them a lot. It feels silly rushing my suicide within the next couple of months, but I know by doing this they'll get a good chunk of money, whereas if I wait, and further down the line still feel like this, they'll get nothing.
This also sounds silly - but a year ago my ex cheated on me and emotionally abused me. I want to leave him a note when I go (not a blaming note, it's not his fault I'm in this position - more just a goodbye and reflecting on the relationship). It's likely he'll be my last love … and the longer I wait to go, the more weird it will seem for him to receive that letter.
I really don't know what to do. I truly just want peace, and for my family to be okay as can be.
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