obei
This is the only place where you can say “kys”
- Aug 4, 2023
- 250
So, as I wrote in my last post, I suffer from severe attachment issues. A few hours ago, I tried to sleep but couldnt cause I thought about the people I care about and if they see me worthy and care about me as well (even tho rationally I know they do).
I had issue sleeping cause of it, and just cried for a bit (not a cryer usually).
So, for some context, in my grandparents place I sleep in a huge bed w my mother cause I thought people were out to get me and kill us all if I stay alone in any of the rooms.
The point is, while I was trying to sleep, cried silently, and then went downstairs cause I was starving (have an eating disorder, so I cant rly stay sane and hungry for long anymore) and stuffed 2 empty pancakes at once and a piece of bread in my mouth, dont ask me why or what happend.
But anyways, as I did all this I would make a noise. I tried being silet fr, but anyways my mother heard me (except cry) and as I went back upstairs and into the room, she started arguing w me cause I woke her up a few times (she was rly tired that evening, she works hard, but I really did try being silent!!!) and she started ranting about literally everything I do wrong, and basically, even if she for sure thought about all that as "just her thoughts" and "she does that for my own good, because she loves me", ngl the whole rant, which she didnt say in these words, but in my head I translated it to "youre useless, lazy af, I only tolerate you cause youre my kid, youre unlovable, youre a bad person etc etc" ik I should see it all as a constructive criticism, but it is really hard sometimes when in youre head its just screaming all these things. I rolled to the other side of the bed and silently cried until she got up and left. Now it is 3am and I am alone here thankfully.
So as she was talking about all this, all I can think about is "she will be better off without me", and all this combined w my thoughts earlier just made it 10x worse.
Now Im thinking, should I od on Oxi, hang myself in the forest, or do you have any easier alternative?
I had issue sleeping cause of it, and just cried for a bit (not a cryer usually).
So, for some context, in my grandparents place I sleep in a huge bed w my mother cause I thought people were out to get me and kill us all if I stay alone in any of the rooms.
The point is, while I was trying to sleep, cried silently, and then went downstairs cause I was starving (have an eating disorder, so I cant rly stay sane and hungry for long anymore) and stuffed 2 empty pancakes at once and a piece of bread in my mouth, dont ask me why or what happend.
But anyways, as I did all this I would make a noise. I tried being silet fr, but anyways my mother heard me (except cry) and as I went back upstairs and into the room, she started arguing w me cause I woke her up a few times (she was rly tired that evening, she works hard, but I really did try being silent!!!) and she started ranting about literally everything I do wrong, and basically, even if she for sure thought about all that as "just her thoughts" and "she does that for my own good, because she loves me", ngl the whole rant, which she didnt say in these words, but in my head I translated it to "youre useless, lazy af, I only tolerate you cause youre my kid, youre unlovable, youre a bad person etc etc" ik I should see it all as a constructive criticism, but it is really hard sometimes when in youre head its just screaming all these things. I rolled to the other side of the bed and silently cried until she got up and left. Now it is 3am and I am alone here thankfully.
So as she was talking about all this, all I can think about is "she will be better off without me", and all this combined w my thoughts earlier just made it 10x worse.
Now Im thinking, should I od on Oxi, hang myself in the forest, or do you have any easier alternative?
