Venting Really coming to terms with things

[sapphoslastpoem]

It's been super disorienting for me to think about how I started feeling suicidal when I was 9. For almost my entire life, I've have to struggle with my mental illnesses and living a normal life was incredibly hard. I think I was 16 when I decided that I wouldn't let my suicidal thoughts take over and I was going to do everything I could to want to live (find a boyfriend, have good friends, get my college degree and career).

I'm in my early 20's now and almost all of those goals got flushed down the toilet. Except, I have a boyfriend (he's the most loving and caring person in the world) but I wish I never met him because I'm going to be leaving soon and hurting him in the process, he's the only one who doesn't deserve to feel pain from my departure.

I feel selfish and like a horrible person—I am a horrible person and what happened almost a year ago, solidifies that. I spent too long in my teens years trying to prevent the inevitable, I was meant to die. From the moment I could comprehend what was going on around me, from the moment I was first diagnosed and burdened to live a life in mental suffering, I was destined to end my life and I waited too long.

I waited too long and now it's gotten to be too much, now I know that's my only solution. Can't get a job anymore, can't leave my house, too nervous and paranoid to be around anyone. I'm not living anymore, I'm suffering and it's agonizing. Anyone who says that I should wait to see how life ends up, wants me to suffer, they want me to be worse off.

 

[FuneralCry]

I feel like I have stayed here for too long as well. I really should have left a while ago as it would have prevented so much suffering. I find those types of people irritating who say you should wait as things could get better, as they are not experiencing life in the same way as us and life may be worth living to them, but that doesn't mean that they should force their beliefs on others. Suicide is a personal decision after all. It sounds like you have suffered so much in life, this life really is so tiring. I wish you relief from suffering.

 

[VKVK]

I relate to every little last thing you said, the only difference being that I'm male. You could pretty much switch boyfriend with girlfriend and it feels like I made this post. I know how you feel. It is, simply put, too painful. I too will be leaving soon, as I can't for the life of me find a way to be "happy", "fulfilled" or achieve my """goals""" (not accept my fate). I hope your pain ends soon, one way or another.

 

[Rational man]

You are very hard on yourself. Its dragging you down. Does your boyfriend know how you feel?. I was in a relationship for several Years but it fell apart becuase we didn't work hard enough to make it work which is hard but also makes my ctb easier because now im single, i havs few people to leave behind. I hope you find peace❤

 

[sapphoslastpoem]

You are very hard on yourself. Its dragging you down. Does your boyfriend know how you feel?. I was in a relationship for several Years but it fell apart becuase we didn't work hard enough to make it work which is hard but also makes my ctb easier because now im single, i havs few people to leave behind. I hope you find peace❤

My boyfriend knows. He's a saint, he's been with me through this past year of trauma and paranoia that I've had to suffer through (we've been together for over 2 years now). While all of my friends and family left me alone to suffer with this shit, he's been here doing everything he can to help me. Unfortunately, there's no way to help me. I fucked my life up last year and as a result I can't go back, I can't be in society anymore, I'll always be an outcast.

I feel horrible that my boyfriend will have to feel the pain of my death (he's already lost two people in his life to suicide). I have no other choice though.

 

[Rational man]

My boyfriend knows. He's a saint, he's been with me through this past year of trauma and paranoia that I've had to suffer through (we've been together for over 2 years now). While all of my friends and family left me alone to suffer with this shit, he's been here doing everything he can to help me. Unfortunately, there's no way to help me. I fucked my life up last year and as a result I can't go back, I can't be in society anymore, I'll always be an outcast.

I feel horrible that my boyfriend will have to feel the pain of my death (he's already lost two people in his life to suicide). I have no other choice though.

Such an awful situation for you, becuase few people find the their soulmate. I can only guess that he would be ripped apart if you left this world. I feel your pain and i wish you peace in your heart❤❤

 

[dandan]

I'm a male, and felt similar to that, it was hormone things, not in my head.

My head is also kinda screwed but with hormone therapy I'm at least alive and willing to search and live a little more , get a checkup?

 

[sapphoslastpoem]

I'm a male, and felt similar to that, it was hormone things, not in my head.

My head is also kinda screwed but with hormone therapy I'm at least alive and willing to search and live a little more , get a checkup?

Unfortunately, my situation (at least from last year) is a result of my OCD sabotaging me and fucking up my life. As a result, I got Trauma from people who got involved and later was diagnosed with PTSD. I wish this was a hormonal issue for me but in the end, it's just my brain being wired wrong and fucking my life up

 

[hamvil]

I feel like I have stayed here for too long as well. I really should have left a while ago as it would have prevented so much suffering. I find those types of people irritating who say you should wait as things could get better, as they are not experiencing life in the same way as us and life may be worth living to them, but that doesn't mean that they should force their beliefs on others. Suicide is a personal decision after all. It sounds like you have suffered so much in life, this life really is so tiring. I wish you relief from suffering.

I relate a lot with what you wrote. I died in May 2020 everything after that was an hell. One wrong choice after the other. Medicines and useless therapy. Breaking ties with the very few friends I had. I know I will never be more that I was in 2020. I do not have kids and I will never have them because I do not work anymore as man and anyway my marriage is failed and I would never manage to build a relationship with another woman (nobody would want me). I have nothing more to do on this planet and for sure I have nothing to offer to anybody. But I am also so scarred about taking the necessary step. All I want is nothingness but I worry that there could be something after this.

 

[dandan]

I'm a male, and felt similar to that, it was hormone things, not in my head.

My head is also kinda screwed but with hormone therapy I'm at least alive and willing to search and live a little more , get a checkup?

And even so, lately I've been feeling like you guys above. I know I've been so much worse that I know I'm not in a suicidal catching the bus urge, I mean, I have N in my fridge, that's so comfortable but I'm not planning on using it, yet.

Buy I just can't figure out life, or even so if I want to live in it the way I do, either I change or fuck it

Keep venting and searching ,
Or end it, it's our choice