realizing my ex-friends have possibly become triggers ?

[apgpfk]

i no longer talk to my ex-friends. however, since we enjoy the same hobbies and are in many similar friend groups and communities, i find that i often bump into them whether i like it or not. anytime i go to any event that i know they'd like or attend, i always feel so uneasy and find myself a lot more observant than usual.

that much is pretty normal to me. i feel like most people would feel that way. however, i find that every time i see them in real life, my mind starts spinning and i start spiralling. i suddenly would not be able to think straight or rationally, start wanting to sh or impulsively try to ctb, and start wanting to do things i know i'd regret. it's so hard to stop myself, even if someone is next to me trying to help me. the lack of self control i have in these moments is really scary. i don't know what my limits are. i'm scared i'll go too far. i don't know what thoughts are simply intrusive thoughts and what thoughts are things i'd actually do.

i... really do want to get better, but it also seems like i'm at the mercy of my hormones. whenever it gets closer to my period, i tend to lose my cool a lot quicker than usual. it's so scary. i don't want to live like this. i can't blame it all on my cycle, but i'm sure at least a small part of it does affect my mental. i've been trying to reparent my inner child and appease my fear of abandonment and everything, but i feel like i'm not getting anywhere. maybe i am, but i guess i'm not seeing it at the moment. no one really tells you that you'll just randomly start breaking down sobbing in the middle of the night on a random tuesday even if you were fine for two weeks straight.

god, recovery is making me lose my mind. the amount i have to work on to even begin to have a happy and fufilling life is so overwhelming. feels like my anxiety will eat me alive before i get there.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I'm sorry for your suffering. I've never fallen out with irl friends, the closest I can relate would be if I was in the same area as some family that abused me, esp. my uncle, or perhaps a school bully. If I imagine it's like that, I would lose my mind too.

I'm sorry that you have to keep bumping into them and be continually reminded. I don't have any advice since I think you're doing everything that can humanly be done. I believe everything is going to be okay though.