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etherealgoddess
perseverance is inevitable success
- Dec 8, 2022
- 174
It's been so hard to find something that strikes in the middle of contentment (being happy how my life is going) and feeling happy, stimulated, not empty. It's always one or the other. When I'm happy with how my life is going out, I feel drained and life sucks. I'm technically all balanced, but I can never have the time fully recharge because I crave novelty and hyper focus, and that's not possible in the pace of the world. When I feel great and am operating based on how my brain wants to function, I feel a ton of shame because I can't fit into the 24 hour system that society functions in—and again, life sucks. And plus, if I were to keep going like that, I'd go broke and not be able to afford to live. And what's been really freeing for me is just coming to acceptance that because of the way my brain operates, my life is gonna suck. When I look at my fiancé, he can balance his life so easily. It's so natural for him. For me, to be happy, I love to hyper focus and get sucked into something for literally hours or even the entire day while my fiancé has that natural need for a break after two hours and easily balances his life to a functional state. For me, balancing with breaks just kills me. I fucking hate it. I've tried so hard to do what society wants and trying to be happy at the same time, but I can't. So I won't be happy… ever. But coming to that conclusion is actually so freeing for some reason?!? I've spent so long trying to find the answers, and maybe my answer is that I have no answer. Life is gonna be miserable with this brain, but accepting it makes me feel a bit better about it. I'm gonna take care of my life and fix it and get it back together but just accept I feel like garbage while living in this system that society makes us conform to.
Have any of y'all heard about the whole hunter/farmer personality thing? Society is basically farmer personality. Wake up at the same time, do the same thing every day, predictability, etc. Hell, hell, and well… hell. I def have a hunter personality. I crave novelty and can go crazy for something before I get bored and need a new fascination. I can't find a balance where I can chill without hyperfocusing.
Overall, coming to this conclusion is healing weirdly. I'm just realizing I'll fix my life. I'll try to adapt if I'm feeling like garbage. But I'll always feel a good amount of garbage. And that sucks but bringing awareness to it and surrendering kinda just again makes it feel better. Not the answer I wanted from the universe but… I think this is mine.
Have any of y'all heard about the whole hunter/farmer personality thing? Society is basically farmer personality. Wake up at the same time, do the same thing every day, predictability, etc. Hell, hell, and well… hell. I def have a hunter personality. I crave novelty and can go crazy for something before I get bored and need a new fascination. I can't find a balance where I can chill without hyperfocusing.
Overall, coming to this conclusion is healing weirdly. I'm just realizing I'll fix my life. I'll try to adapt if I'm feeling like garbage. But I'll always feel a good amount of garbage. And that sucks but bringing awareness to it and surrendering kinda just again makes it feel better. Not the answer I wanted from the universe but… I think this is mine.